First PS -- Need Feedback!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:14 pm

First PS -- Need Feedback!

Postby LegalDiva » Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:44 pm

I got great feedback on this post. I really needed it - I read so many sites about what to add, not add, etc... I'm starting over!

Thank you
Last edited by LegalDiva on Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:58 pm

Re: First PS -- Need Feedback!

Postby ITEDreamer » Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:42 pm

The binocular analogy is interesting although done rather clunkily.

LegalDiva wrote:In the family that I come from, our seats to view life were comparable to the seats in the section labeled 614 [can you just say "nose bleed section" so we dont have to guess?] in the Louisiana Superdome ["where my family used to watch the games", can you personalize this experience so that it becomes interesting?]. [Also, not sure why this is true, do you want to tell us? were your parents uneducated, unmotivated, aloof?] You got a 50/50 view on life, but the view was not clear without the use of a personal magnifying device. I always wanted to be successful, but did not quite understand what defined success. For many years I viewed life without the use of any type of magnifying device [Now drop the metaphor, "Early in life, I had a hard time achieving success because I was missing the assistance required to focus on what was important"]; during these years I was befuddled wondering why I could not see what others could see kept missing important lessons and choices. Many around me had discovered what their personal magnifying device was; however, I was still struggling to determine what my personal magnifying device was. make the determination. After a lot of failures and after experiencing many small successes in life I sat down and concluded what my small successes had in common; I had finally discovered my personal magnifying device. [Shouldn't this be a story about a mentor that you found? Not just siting down and going "Aha!"] I had been successful for one reason and one reason only [this is not true so it makes you sound immature, you are successful for many reasons, but the most important according to you is that you found the value in seeking another's expertise, encouragement and accountability]; that reason was the fact that I had a mentor. My personal magnifying device, the one thing that helped me to see life clearly and to define success was my mentor. I learned that a mentor is a vital ingredient to the recipe of success. [do not mix your analogies like this, binoculars to recipes?]

I have spent my life persuading individuals to make decisions from what toppings taste better on a pizza to understanding why credit life/disability insurance is important to what tax credits better suit them. The knowledge, experience, confidence and salesmanship that I possess will help me to relate to my fellow students, clients, mentees and colleagues. My work as a pizzeria employee, a loan officer, accountant and auditor will contribute to my success as a lawyer. In addition, my ability to show that I genuinely care to inspire and assist others will help me to build rapport with my community and help them to better understand and respect my profession.
These two paragraphs (your intro and conclusion) are really not connected. Giving advice (e.g. pizz toppings) and mentoring are not the same thing.

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Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: First PS -- Need Feedback!

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:15 pm

I think you need a clear direction. The first para didn't work. It wasn't unique. It's a story many of us have faced. The rest of the essay really didn't have a flow. It was a bunch of stuff in your life all jumbled together. I also did not like the direct mentioning of "God." Exclude anything about religion and politics in the PS. You don't want to piss off an adcomm for a dumb reason like that.

If you want to keep the mentor theme, open with a clever anecdote about how a specific person impacted you. Then, connect that story to how you've since been inspired do x, y, z.

You've got plenty of time to think about this since it's only a 1st draft.

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