Revising my PS. Any takers???

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Successful24 » Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:33 pm

The butterfly metaphor will stay, I feel it sets the tone of the statement and what I took from my experience is what makes the PS so compelling. Yes, I am an English minor. Maybe I am one who can't shake the permitted use of fragemnts in creative non-fiction writing I don't know...either way, I have always submitted 4.0 papers and I have tutored in English professional writing and american lit for some time. What ever I need to fix, will certainly be taken care of by the time I am ready to apply. Thank you for the advice.

Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand- probably best not to begin your PS with a fragment.

I had been captured- this is passive, try "was captured".....


I agree that this topic has the potential to be a compelling PS, but your writing has to improve drastically. Right now it is entirely too colloquial and poorly constructed. You're sure you're an English minor?!

Edited for so much spelling fail.

User avatar
Michaela
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:20 am

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Michaela » Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:42 pm

Successful24 wrote:The butterfly metaphor will stay, I feel it sets the tone of the statement and what I took from my experience is what makes the PS so compelling. Yes, I am an English minor. Maybe I am one who can't shake the permitted use of fragemnts in creative non-fiction writing I don't know...either way, I have always submitted 4.0 papers and I have tutored in English professional writing and american lit for some time. What ever I need to fix, will certainly be taken care of by the time I am ready to apply. Thank you for the advice.

Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand- probably best not to begin your PS with a fragment.

I had been captured- this is passive, try "was captured".....


I agree that this topic has the potential to be a compelling PS, but your writing has to improve drastically. Right now it is entirely too colloquial and poorly constructed. You're sure you're an English minor?!

Edited for so much spelling fail.


A PS isn't a creative writing piece. Also, I think you are a flame.

Evidence:

-pickle jar extended metaphor?!
-turning in "4.0" papers
-so much spelling/formatting fail

User avatar
Paraflam
Posts: 472
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:09 pm

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Paraflam » Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:08 pm

Successful24 wrote:The butterfly metaphor will stay, I feel it sets the tone of the statement and what I took from my experience is what makes the PS so compelling. Yes, I am an English minor. Maybe I am one who can't shake the permitted use of fragemnts in creative non-fiction writing I don't know...either way, I have always submitted 4.0 papers and I have tutored in English professional writing and american lit for some time. What ever I need to fix, will certainly be taken care of by the time I am ready to apply. Thank you for the advice.

Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand- probably best not to begin your PS with a fragment.

I had been captured- this is passive, try "was captured".....


I agree that this topic has the potential to be a compelling PS, but your writing has to improve drastically. Right now it is entirely too colloquial and poorly constructed. You're sure you're an English minor?!

Edited for so much spelling fail.


I understand what you're trying to convey with the butterfly metaphor... but it doesn't work. Your PS would be much smoother without it. That's my advice, but do what you want.

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Successful24 » Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:18 pm

Oh great Michaela, you have enlightened me. A PS is not a creative writing piece! When I ask for feedback it isn't an open party for you to insult my minor. When I said thanks for the advice, it means you can exit the thread anytime. So, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.
and Thank you Paraflam, even though you questioned my minor, you were very genuine in you revisions. I appreciate that and I'll remove the metaphor to see how it would sound.


Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:The butterfly metaphor will stay, I feel it sets the tone of the statement and what I took from my experience is what makes the PS so compelling. Yes, I am an English minor. Maybe I am one who can't shake the permitted use of fragemnts in creative non-fiction writing I don't know...either way, I have always submitted 4.0 papers and I have tutored in English professional writing and american lit for some time. What ever I need to fix, will certainly be taken care of by the time I am ready to apply. Thank you for the advice.

Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand- probably best not to begin your PS with a fragment.

I had been captured- this is passive, try "was captured".....


I agree that this topic has the potential to be a compelling PS, but your writing has to improve drastically. Right now it is entirely too colloquial and poorly constructed. You're sure you're an English minor?!

Edited for so much spelling fail.


A PS isn't a creative writing piece. Also, I think you are a flame.

Evidence:

-pickle jar extended metaphor?!
-turning in "4.0" papers
-so much spelling/formatting fail

User avatar
Michaela
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:20 am

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Michaela » Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:16 pm

Successful24 wrote:Oh great Michaela, you have enlightened me. A PS is not a creative writing piece! When I ask for feedback it isn't an open party for you to insult my minor. When I said thanks for the advice, it means you can exit the thread anytime. So, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.
and Thank you Paraflam, even though you questioned my minor, you were very genuine in you revisions. I appreciate that and I'll remove the metaphor to see how it would sound.


intarwebz not that srs

Successful24
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Revising my PS. Any takers???

Postby Successful24 » Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:33 pm

I wouldn't waste time posting things if I didn't want a serious response. Oh and it's okay to type English you know.

Michaela wrote:
Successful24 wrote:Oh great Michaela, you have enlightened me. A PS is not a creative writing piece! When I ask for feedback it isn't an open party for you to insult my minor. When I said thanks for the advice, it means you can exit the thread anytime. So, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.
and Thank you Paraflam, even though you questioned my minor, you were very genuine in you revisions. I appreciate that and I'll remove the metaphor to see how it would sound.


intarwebz not that srs




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