Time to get back to work on my PS

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icecold3000
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Time to get back to work on my PS

Postby icecold3000 » Fri May 06, 2011 12:10 pm

Thanks for the help
Last edited by icecold3000 on Sun May 08, 2011 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JamMasterJ
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Re: Time to get back to work on my PS

Postby JamMasterJ » Fri May 06, 2011 2:17 pm

icecold3000 wrote:Now that my spring exams are over, I would like to get back to work on my PS. I wrote this over last Christmas break and I am ready to get it fine tuned before the coming cycle. Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated and I would be glad to return the favor.



In 2006, to the astonishment of my friends and family, I volunteered to do something unimaginable for many college studentsREWORD. With school not shaping up CHANGE as I imagined and longing for a drastic change, I enlisted in the United States Army. I recognized that my decision would invariably land me on the front lines of an active war zone. As a cavalier nineteen year old, this did not faze me. I simply wanted to take my life in a different direction and the Army afforded me the opportunity to escape my past WHAT PAST? and face challenges in ways I never before fathomed.

Not long after finishing training, I found myself in Northern Iraq during what is often referred to as the "troop surge." When I first laid my eyes on the modest mud-huts and noticed the dozens of donkeys roaming around, I felt as though I had stepped back INTO biblical times. I SPENT MOST OF MY DEPLOYMENT DRIVING through remote villages and patrolling X abandoned desert highways. The threat of being ambushed by insurgents armed to the teeth with rocket-propelled-grenades and automatic assault rifles lingered IN my thoughts. I learned quickly that attention to detail could be the difference between life and death. One wrong move could have lethal consequences not just for me, but FOR other soldiers. However, running patrols is only one aspect of an enlisted soldier’s duties X in a modern war zone. We always had other less celebrated jobs to perform. 


Of my many duties while serving in Iraq, nothing impacted me more than the time I spent guarding Iraqi detainees. I was stationed in a small Combat Outpost (COP) with about 150 soldiers. Our COP operated as a holding cell for detainees until they could be transported to the larger base in Mosul. Every single one of the detainees in our COP had been captured and brought in by someone in our Company. It was not an impersonal DOUBLE NEGATIVE matter. These were ACTUALLY THE insurgents we were out there fighting with everyday. We knew it and they knew it. During my guard shifts, I could not help but notice the desperate look of terror in the eyes of our captives. They seemed convinced we were moments away from taking them out back and shooting them. Under Saddam Hussein’s regime, they would have faced certain death for their insurrection. Many prisoners believed we would treat them with similarly harsh punishment. 


Even though they were my enemy, I began to envision what it would be like in their shoes. Many of the prisoners I guarded were at the bottom of the insurgent hierarchy. Often, these men were the unfortunate pawns of the higher-ups. In a small makeshift holding cell, I shared a cigarette with a prisoner while he worryingly NOT A WORD told me - through a translator - that the terrorist had threatened to kill his family if he did not cooperate. He had no other choice. In that same little shack, another detainee DISCLOSED that he could not provide food for his children. The foreign Syrian fighters had offered him a large payoff simply to dig a hole next to the road after curfew. While this crime may seem minuscule, in reality it was a common tactic foreign fighters used for hiding roadside bombs targeted at our morning patrols. 


Through hours of overseeing detainees, I ultimately realized that many of these men, who are often viewed as terrorists THIS DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT, were sometimes just doing what they HAD TO IN ORDER to survive. While their actions were not always justifiABLE, they were by no means villains. The line between atrocity and decency is not always apparent. My time in Iraq allotted me an uncanny view of seeing the point of view from both sides.

Now that I have served in the Army honorably and taken advantage of my military benefits to pursue my bachelor’s degree, I would like continue my service in a different way. I believe I now possess the maturity, discipline, and work ethic to pursue a career in law. I contend that my past experiences will allow me to empathize with future clients as well as contribute a distinctive voice in the legal WORLD.

Really cool statement. Mostly just minor edits from me. read all the bold and all caps

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icecold3000
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Re: Time to get back to work on my PS

Postby icecold3000 » Fri May 06, 2011 5:33 pm

Thanks for the feedback, very helpful. After looking at this again, I am starting to wonder if the why law part is even necessary at the end. I am starting to feel that it almost makes it sound cheesy. Any thoughts?

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JamMasterJ
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Re: Time to get back to work on my PS

Postby JamMasterJ » Fri May 06, 2011 7:31 pm

icecold3000 wrote:Thanks for the feedback, very helpful. After looking at this again, I am starting to wonder if the why law part is even necessary at the end. I am starting to feel that it almost makes it sound cheesy. Any thoughts?

Loretta Deloggio says that Why Law makes for a weak PS. I think that it's tangental to the point your making here and is probably unneccessary unless a school (such as Loyola-Chicago) specifically asks for it

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memphisbelle
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Re: Time to get back to work on my PS

Postby memphisbelle » Fri May 06, 2011 8:24 pm

I really like your statement. Thank you for your service. Although I am in the review process myself and can't offer any really substantive advice, I **think** the 'why law' thing is hit too plainly and too often by alot of applicants. There are some really helpful people on here that can help get this to it's best form.

Either way, you'll do well. :)




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