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Thank you for the help so far. I have posted an updated essay below, as I feel this one had some rather weak spots, that others have pointed out.

So you're the cockroach king? I don't know much about transfer essays so I can't offer anything in that vein but that prolonged part seriously grossed me out. Cut it down or cross your fingers and hope that a woman doesn't get your file.

edit: also, I'd never recommend an adcomm read something. It just seems cocky. Same with the "rewriting the law" bit.

Zazelmaf wrote:My wife and I lived in a ten by thirteen foot apartment that was nearly uninhabitable for one, none-the-less, two people.

Don't have time to comment on the whole thing, but "none-the-less" isn't a real word. While "nonetheless" (without hyphens) is, it does not belong there; it means essentially "in spite of". I think what you want is "let alone", as in "one, let alone two". Unfortunately the whole sentences is pretty much broken, and you need something like this possibly:

My wife and I shared a ten-by-thirteen apartment that seemed unbearably small for one person, let alone two.

Also, if you haven't already, you should discuss your odds of transferring to other NYC schools in the transfers forum, especially since transferring into Fordham is often considered a bad idea.

I think this statement needs work, you sound like you want to stay in Mass. and are reluctantly going to New York. You should sell your desire to attend the transfer school.

Thank you for your replies. I have decided to start again from scratch, keeping in mind what everyone has said. As for Fordham, I realize the pros and cons regarding attending, but I still feel that it is a good fit for me, even without OCI. I will be applying to a wide range of schools in New York City, and plan on updating my application accordingly. Anyway, thank you again, and here's my updated essay.

Again, feel free to say what needs to be said. I have to have this done in a couple of weeks.
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My life has greatly centered on setting goals and reaching for them. I have set and accomplished many goals in my life. Goals that others told me were improbable if not outright impossible. But no matter what, discouragement has never stopped me. I am the first in my family to go to college, and as such, the first to attend law school. I am also the first in my family to leave the United States. I have spent considerable time and immersed myself in the cultures of South East Asia, Europe, and Central America. For this I am immensely proud.

I have sacrificed much but gained more than I have ever dreamed of. I left a city I had spent many years in, a city I had grown to love greatly, to accomplish my next great achievement. I was not scared of moving to the east coast, in fact, I was thrilled. After I graduated high school I left home in rural Montana to live in downtown Seattle. And from there I moved to San Francisco. I have devoted my studies towards the law and have come out with an appreciation for what I can accomplish if given a direct course. Each morning I would tell myself that I was one step closer to having my JD. As my first year comes to a close, I realize that I am a third of the way there.
However, I find myself in transition. My dream has always been to practice law in New York City. When deciding on where to begin law school I chose to focus on the east coast. While I was not admitted into a school in New York City, I knew that would not stop me. I knew that I would end up in the city I dreamed of living in, and it only drove me to excel.

As my wife has been accepted into St. John’s in New York to finish her degree in teaching, I realize there is no time better than now to move closer to my own goal, to begin the study of law at Fordham University. I wish to study at Fordham as it is well known for its international law program as well as its renowned International Law Journal. The campus location, in the center of the greatest city in the world, only makes Fordham more ideal to me. Being a Jesuit University only furthers my interest in Fordham, as I have greatly enjoyed my studies at University of San Francisco, another fine Jesuit institution where I realized it was Law I wanted to pursue.

Although I have challenged myself during my first year of law school, I realize that the challenges, and the rewards, have only begun. I have greatly enjoyed everything I have studied and look forward to that realization, in two short years, where I embark on my next goal, as a graduate of Fordham University, to step foot into the outside world and to put to use everything I have learned. I dream of becoming a part of the city of New York, a city that is in many ways, a symbol of the United States. No other institution can help me accomplish my goal as yours. I look forward to the accomplishment of my dream, of being a man of the law, and a proud graduate of Fordham Law School.

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Thank you. I would greatly appreciate any help I can get with this. I have just been doing it here and there between finals, so it's not that great.

kublaikahn wrote:To be honest, this piece is disjointed and difficult to read. It does not do much to market you to an NYC school.

Zazelmaf wrote: My life has greatly centered on setting goals and reaching for them. I have set and accomplished many goals in my life. Goals that others told me were improbable if not outright impossible. But no matter what, discouragement has never stopped me. I am an intrepid soul. Not because I do not know what I want, but because I am willing to pay the price to make my dreams a reality. I lead a goal-centric life that has made me I am the first in my family to go to finish college, and as such, the first to attend law school. I am also , and the first in my family to leave the United States to travel and live abroad. I have spent considerable time and immersed myself in the cultures of South East Asia, Europe, and Central America. For this I am immensely proud. I succeed, despite the discouragement that often comes from those less adventurous, because I have learned to quickly build a home and join a community wherever I go.

I have sacrificed much but gained more than I have ever dreamed of. I left a city I had spent many years in, a city I had grown to love greatly, to accomplish my next great achievement. I was not scared of moving to the east coast, in fact, I was thrilled. [this should be chronological] After I graduated high school I left my hometown in rural Montana to live study? in downtown Seattle. And from there I moved to I pursued my career in San Francisco. I have spent considerable time and immersed myself in the cultures of South East Asia, Europe, and Central America. I have always had an affinity for other cultures and a willingness to openly compare and contrast ours with others around the globe.

More recently, I left San Francisco, a city I had grown to love, to pursue my passion to practice law in NYC. I was thrilled to move to Massecheusetts to study law. Each morning I would tell myself that I was one step closer to having my JD. As my first year comes to a close, I realize that I am a third of the way there. However, I find myself in nearing a new transition. My dream has always been to practice law in New York City. When deciding on where to begin law school I chose to focus on the east coast. While and though I was not admitted into a school in New York City, I knew that would not stop me remain committed to that goal. I knew that believed I would end up in the city I dreamed of living in, and it onlydrove me to excel.

As my wife has been accepted into St. John’s in New York to finish obtain her degree in teaching education, I realize there is no time better than now to move closer to my own goal, now is the time to begin the study of law at Fordham University. [Consider removing this paragraph, it may be a net negative to your application]

[new paragraph, CONTINUE EDITS HERE] I wish to study at Fordham as it is well known for its international law program as well as its renowned International Law Journal. The campus location, in the center of the greatest city in the world, only makes Fordham more ideal to me. Being a Jesuit University only furthers my interest in Fordham, as I have greatly enjoyed my studies at University of San Francisco, another fine Jesuit institution where I realized it was Law I wanted to pursue.

Although I have challenged myself during my first year of law school, I realize that the challenges, and the rewards, have only begun. I have greatly enjoyed everything I have studied and look forward to that realization, in two short years, where I embark on my next goal, as a graduate of Fordham University, to step foot into the outside world and to put to use everything I have learned. I dream of becoming a part of the city of New York, a city that is in many ways, a symbol of the United States. No other institution can help me accomplish my goal as yours. I look forward to the accomplishment of my dream, of being a man of the law, and a proud graduate of Fordham Law School.

Sorry I could not finish edits do to time constraints. I will try to pick it up this evening if you still want help.

The bolded is not a sentence

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my understanding is that you can have understood subject, but not understood predicate. I don't mean to critique online grammar, but if OP were to reuse your ideas - which were solid - he/she should know to change this minor error

You mentioned removing the paragraph that stated that my wife is attending school in NYC. I would like to mention that in my PS, as I think it's a strong point for me transferring. Is there a better way I could add it? Based on everything I am reading, schools seem to look positively at compelling reasons for transferring than just 'wanting to move up the rankings'.

If not in the personal statement, perhaps an addendum?

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kublaikahn wrote:

Zazelmaf wrote:You mentioned removing the paragraph that stated that my wife is attending school in NYC. I would like to mention that in my PS, as I think it's a strong point for me transferring. Is there a better way I could add it? Based on everything I am reading, schools seem to look positively at compelling reasons for transferring than just 'wanting to move up the rankings'.

If not in the personal statement, perhaps an addendum?

Yes include your family circumstances. The whole PS should be about why Fordham right? You are already a law student, you want to be a Fordham law student. So there is room for multiple factors. However, if I was framing it, I would say your wife applied to and has been accepted to schools in NYC to support your goals of NYC and International Law. I think your most compelling reason is you want to work in NYC and focus on international law.

I would assume you applied to Fordham a year ago. Tell them what has changed since then about you and your skill set since then. But make it a story and make it interesting. Have you done anything besides study as a 1L?

ETA: the reason I thought the paragraph may detract is because you are talking about being goal oriented and then to say you would switch schools for some other reason weakens your argument. If you frame it as your wife getting into a NYC school as supporting your shared goals, then it works better, IMO.

I see, that makes better sense. I actually did not apply to Fordham, as my GPA 3.2 and LSAT 153, were not good enough to warrant it in my opinion. I should have retook the LSAT, but was way too busy with life at the time (I know, bad excuse). I will definitely frame it as my wife getting into NYC schools as supporting our shared goals (which is why she applied to NYC schools in the first place). Thank you again.

As for 1L, having moved across the US and trying to get top grades, I have not done much else other than study. This summer I am going to Costa Rica and Panama for a month. I might be working when I get back in something law related, but still waiting to hear back on that.

I have made some more edits to this, I hope it flows better now. I would like to send it out in the next week. (I will also be applying to Cardozo, Brooklyn, Rutgers and possibly NYU - so will edit accordingly)

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I am an intrepid soul. This is not because I do not know what I want, but because I am willing to pay the price to make my dreams a reality. I lead a goal-centric life that has made me the first in my family to finish college, the first to attend law school, and the first to travel and live abroad. I succeed, despite the discouragement that often comes from those less adventurous, because I have learned to quickly build a home and join a community wherever I go.

I have sacrificed much but gained more. After I graduated high school I left my hometown in rural Montana to study in Seattle. I pursued my career in San Francisco. I have immersed myself in the cultures of South East Asia, Europe, and Central America. I have always had an affinity for other cultures and a willingness to openly compare and contrast ours with others around the globe.

More recently, I left San Francisco, a city I had grown to love, to pursue my passion to practice law in NYC. I was thrilled to move to Massachusetts to study law. Each morning I would tell myself that I was one step closer to having my JD. As my first year comes to a close, I realize that I am a third of the way there. However, I find myself nearing a new transition. My dream has always been to practice law in New York City. When deciding on where to begin law school I chose to focus on the east coast and though I was not admitted into a school in New York City, I remain committed to that goal. I believed I would end up in the city I dreamed of living in, and it drove me to excel.

In realization of our shared goals, my wife has been accepted into St. John’s in New York to obtain her degree in education. I realize now is the time to begin the study of law at Fordham University. (not sure if this is too short, or what I could add to it)

I have chose to pursue the study of law at Fordham as it is well known for its international law program as well as its renowned International Law Journal. The campus location in the center of New York City makes Fordham more ideal to me. My interest in Fordham is furthered by it being a Jesuit institution. I attended University of San Francisco, another Jesuit university, and it was there I realized my passion for the law and thirst for knowledge. Fordham’s strong alumni network in the San Francisco Bay Area is yet another reason I have chose Fordham as the place I most want to study the law.

I have greatly challenged myself during my first year of law school and I realize that the challenges, and the rewards, have only begun. I have greatly enjoyed my first year and all that I have learned. My next life goal is to transfer and complete my Juris Doctor at Fordham University and begin a challenging and rewarding career in New York City.

My life is about goals and obtaining those goals. I will always do what it takes to make my dreams a reality and to make myself a better person. I believe that the guidance of one of New York’s best law schools is truly the next step in my life. I know that I will be a success and I want Fordham University to be a part of it.

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Thank you again. I have followed your advice and have changed things around a bit. I am not sure if this is much better, but I tend to feel am I showing too much and not telling enough, especially about myself. I also have developed my reasons for wanting to attend Fordham in more detail. so here's my next draft.

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I am an intrepid soul. This is not because I do not know what I want, but because I am willing to pay the price to make my dreams a reality. I lead a goal-centric life that has made me the first in my family to finish college, the first to attend law school, and the first to travel and live abroad. I succeed, despite the discouragement that often comes from those less adventurous, because I have learned to quickly join a community and build a home wherever I go.

A year ago I was accepted to (law school). I lived in San Francisco at the time, but I was determined to do what it took to begin the study of law. Most of my life I have survived with little money. Resources were tight when it came time for me to decide to either begin my dream or defer it. I chose to begin a new course, and I know I made the right choice.

It was through meticulous saving that we found a way to afford to move to the northeast from the Pacific coast. My wife and I gave away most of our possessions and embarked on a journey by bus across the United States. This was not my first journey across a continent. Three years before my wife and I traveled by train and bus from Bangkok, Thailand to Singapore and back. It was on this trip, as well as previous journeys in Mexico and Europe that I gained a great appreciation for the diverse cultures of the world. I witnessed first hand Buddhist temples, traveling with monks from the Bangkok to the temple of Doi Suthep high in the mountains above Chiang Mai. Upon returning to San Francisco, I continued to study and volunteer with Buddhist organizations, even though I myself am not Buddhist.

Even when in Thailand, I knew I wanted to go to law school. I was never unsure of that goal even when I left the city I loved. I was thrilled to move to Massachusetts to study law. I knew it was through hard work and perseverance that i would excel. I created excellent relationships with my professors, always with a desire to understand the law more deeply. When midterm grades were posted, I found I was ahead of my peers. I always believed that I could do well. It was because the sacrifices I made and my love of learning the law that motivated me.

I chose to study on the east coast because is my goal to practice law in New York City, and though I was not admitted to a school in New York, I am committed to that goal. As another step toward our shared goals, my wife has been accepted to St. John’s University in New York to obtain her degree in education. She is also the first in her family to obtain a higher education. We both realize that this is a critical juncture in our lives and we are excited to begin it. Now is the time for me to begin my study of law at Fordham University.

I have chosen to pursue the study of law at Fordham for its course offerings in international and corporate law. I desire to work in and represent the corporate world while having first hand knowledge of how the laws of the world I have loved exploring shapes international business and financial transactions. It is these subjects I intend to focus on while at Fordham. Having lived in downtown San Francisco and Seattle, and yearning to return to a major city, Fordham’s central campus location is ideal to me. The strong values that were instilled in me as well as the superb education I gained from attending a Jesuit university is another reason I greatly desire to be member at Fordham.

I have greatly enjoyed studying at (law school), and will always be grateful for the chance they took on admitting me. However, for my personal and career goals, I realize that Fordham is a much stronger fit. It is through Fordham’s strength in the corporate world that sets it apart from my current law school. Realistically, I realize that my opportunities to begin practicing in New York City are much stronger by attending a school in New York City. In order to fulfill that which both my wife and I want, it is time we make this transition. I believe that the guidance of one of New York’s best law schools is truly the next step in my life. I realize that in order to obtain success one must know what they want and pursue it. I am confident that Fordham University is where I belong.

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