Deleted, thank you!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Thompson123
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Deleted, thank you!

Postby Thompson123 » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:15 pm

Deleted by author.
Last edited by Thompson123 on Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:08 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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gbpackerbacker
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby gbpackerbacker » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:23 pm

May I ask where you are submitting an app this late? Or are you just applying super early for next cycle?

Thompson123
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby Thompson123 » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:34 pm

I'm unfortunately very late...but Stetson and U of Miami

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Emma.
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby Emma. » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:36 pm

Thompson123 wrote:I'm unfortunately very late...but Stetson and U of Miami


Whoa, you need to proof this before you send it anywhere. I didn't get past the first line where you say "..and was fortunate enough to find a position as an internship..."

CanadianWolf
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:38 pm

This is a very well done personal statement. If it matches your writing skills displayed on the LSAT, you should receive good news from both law schools.

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fundamentallybroken
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby fundamentallybroken » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:41 pm

Emma. wrote:
Thompson123 wrote:I'm unfortunately very late...but Stetson and U of Miami


Whoa, you need to proof this before you send it anywhere. I didn't get past the first line where you say "..and was fortunate enough to find a position as an internship..."


And then continue to use "was fortunate enough" another two times. On top of that, too much passive voice, unnecessarily capitalized nouns, and terms that jumble the story (e.g. how is the babysitter convicted of the crime before the trial?)

My last minute advice would be to proof and rework this thing at least three or four more times, then apply early next cycle for fall 2012.

kublaikahn
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Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Apr 11, 2011 12:12 am

This is a good PS. It is not ready for primetime though. On quick read I noticed a number of grammatical and spelling errors that will derail the nice effort you are putting forth here. I will highlight a few.

Thompson123 wrote:Shortly after graduating from college, I couldn’t wait was eager to make my “mark in the world”. I boldy sent out penned letters to every attorney I could find, and was fortunate enough to find a position as an intern rewarded with an internship at the County Prosecutor’s Office [not sure if this should be caps]. My first day at the office, I shadowed an Assistant Prosecuting Attorney. He asked me, “Why in the world would anyone ever want to become a Prosecuting Attorney? He said explained, “We work long hours for miniscule pay, have death threats made to us on a weekly basis, and are constantly faced with the frustration of having to make plea bargains when witnesses change their testimony or refuse to testify at all. Better yet Even worse,” he continued, “we often have to dismiss cases on technicalities and let known criminals go free.” Stunned by his frank and direct honesty, I wasn’t sure how to respond to his question. At that particular moment, I couldn’t could not think of [postulate/imagine/deduce] a single convincing reason that sounded convincing enough to refute his comments. His arguments sounded so compelling. Why would someone choose this career? I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I left his question unanswered.

Over the next several months, I was able to validated some of his statements myself. Although I did not witness any death threats no one threatened my life, I was able to experienced firsthand the frustrations of plea bargaining, the long hours of case preparing for cases, and it was easy to acknowledge that pay shortfall was true long days stretching to the next pay check. We were not riding around in Mercedes, we were eating fast food and the lifestyle became quickly apparent. [I do not know what to do with this sentence. Delete it?]

During the first few months, To reward me for months of hard work, I was fortunate enough to get involved in the Prosecuting Attorney assigned me to a tragic high profile case, which he tried himself handled by the Prosecuting Attorney. The preparation for the case had been ongoing We prepared for months and I was able towitnessed the entire trial. The case involved a baby sitter accused of killing a small child. The most emotional and difficult part of the case was meeting the child's parents of a child who had been killed was difficult. Understanding that the babysitter was the person convicted of the crime made it even harder, because it was apparent that they had blamed themselves for trusting this person with their only child. I was further moved to help them because with their grief they carried the added burden of guilt having chosen and trusted their child with the babysitter. [this needs work I know, but the way you have phrased it is confusing.]

The trial continued on ebbed and flowed for several weeks and by the time as the jury was sent for deliberation, we were not confident they would return with a conviction. I was able to experience endured the agony of waiting for the verdict with the parents,. when we believed we only had a fifty percent when our team estimated just a fifty percent chance of winning.

When the jury returned to the courtroom, emotions were tensed tense [are people tense, which is an emotion, or is an emotion tense? I'd choose a different word here] . We all nervously glanced looked at each other and took a deep breath. When the verdict was read, “guilty” was the only word that mattered. I turned to look at the faces of both parents. They hugged each other and cried. Tears of “relief” filled their eyes, rather than tears for “joy”[goes without saying]. The moment they had been waiting for over many months, was finally here. They both looked sowere relieved that justice had been served and that another family would be spared their pain. It was at that moment, that I finally knew the Their relief and appreciation answered to the question I had been asked by that the Assistant Prosecuting Attorney asked on my first day at the office. I knew could express exactly why anyone would I want to become a Prosecuting Attorney criminal prosecutor. Because despite the long hours, the low pay, the death threats and the daily frustrations, at this moments like this, it all becomes worth it. One that day, at that moment, it was the Prosecutor who had made all the difference in the world "his mark on the world", and although he could not stop the crime from happening, he was able to do the next best thing…. help close the wound and heal the pain . He was able to make a huge difference in the lives of this for the victims' family. I cannot only imagine their continued agony they would have experienced, had the babysitter been set free.

After this experience, I was fortunate to become a victim’s advocate at the Prosecutor's Office. Through our efforts to reach out to the community to help solve crimes, I’ve been able to meet many of these victim’s families. This experience has motivated me even more and to help make a difference and see that these families have the opportunity to see justice serve for the crimes committed against their family members. [this mini paragraph should be in your resume and does not add much to this PS, use this real estate to better develop what you are trying to do in the next and closing paragraph]

Armed with the knowledge and confidence I have gained from this experience, I have decided to follow my heart to law school. I am eager to take the next step to become a legal advocate and I now know just exactly why I want to pursue this career prosecute.
Last edited by kublaikahn on Mon Apr 11, 2011 12:21 am, edited 3 times in total.

071816
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby 071816 » Mon Apr 11, 2011 12:13 am

Apply next cycle

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:07 pm

It's a very good PS. Could be better if you can liven it up with the active voice. I have highlighted all the uses of the verb "to be/have". As you can see almost the entire piece is in this voice. A is B, C is D. I was this. That was that. You also use the word "able" ad nauseum.

By the way, "fortunate" means lucky. You should not say you were lucky to succeed unless you mean it had nothing to do with your effort and skill. I suspect you are a humble guy, but now is not the time.

Thompson123 wrote:Shortly after graduating from college, I was eager to make my “mark in the world”. I boldly penned letters to every attorney I could find, and to my surprise, heard back from a large majority. I was overwhelmed with the positive responses I received. After interviewing with several different firms, I was fortunate enough to find my dream position, an internship with the county prosecutor’s office.

During my first day at the office, I shadowed an assistant prosecuting attorney. Immediately after our introduction, he looked at me with a very serious face. “Why in the world would you ever want to become a prosecuting attorney?” he asked. “We work long hours for miniscule pay, have death threats made to us on a weekly basis, and are constantly faced with the frustration of having to make plea bargains when witnesses change their testimony or refuse to testify at all. Even worse,” he continued, “we often have cases dismissed due to technicalities, which let known criminals go free.” Stunned by his frank and direct honesty, I was not sure how to reply. At that particular moment, I could not think of a single convincing reason to refute his comments. His arguments sounded so compelling. Why would someone choose this career? Not being able to compile a response, I left his question unanswered.

It [subjectless sentence] did not take long before I was able to validate some of his statements myself. Although my life was not threatened, I experienced firsthand the frustrations of plea bargaining and the long hours preparing for cases. It [subjectless sentence] was also easy to acknowledge that the pay shortfall was true. We were not riding around in Mercedes and we were eating fast food. The average lifestyle of a typical prosecuting attorney became quickly apparent.

During the first few months, I was able to get involved in a tragic case handled by the prosecuting attorney. The preparation for the case had been ongoing for months and I was able to witness the entire trial. Meeting the parents of a child who had been killed was difficult. Learning that the babysitter was the alleged offender of the crime, made it [subjectless clause] even harder. It [subjectless sentence] was apparent that they blamed themselves for trusting this person with their only child.

The trial continued on for several weeks and by the time the jury was sent for deliberation, we were not confident they would return with a conviction. I was able to experience the agony of waiting for the verdict with the parents, when we believed we had only a fifty percent chance of winning.

When the jury returned to the courtroom, emotions were tensed. We all looked at each other and took a deep breath. When the verdict was read, “guilty” was the only word that mattered. I turned to look at the faces of both parents. They hugged each other and cried. Tears of “relief” filled their eyes, rather than tears of “joy”. The moment they had spent so many long months waiting for, was finally here. Justice had finally been served. It was during that moment, that I realized the answer to the question I was asked by the assistant prosecuting attorney, on my first day at the office. I knew exactly why I wanted to become a prosecuting attorney. Despite the long hours, the low pay, the death threats and the daily frustrations, at this moment, it all becomes worth it. On that day, at that moment, it was the prosecutor who had made all the difference in the world. Although he could not stop the crime from happening, he was able to do the next best thing…. help heal the pain. He was able to make a huge difference in the lives of this family. I can only imagine the continued agony they would have experienced, had the babysitter been set free.

After this experience, I was fortunate to be offered a position working as a victim’s advocate for Crime Stoppers. Through our efforts in reaching out to the community to help solve crimes, I’ve been able to meet many of these victims’ families. This experience has motivated me even more to help make a difference and to ensure that these families have the opportunity to see justice served for the crimes committed against their loved ones.

Armed with the knowledge and confidence I gained from working with the prosecutor’s office and the Crime Stoppers program, I decided to follow my heart to law school. I am eager to take the next step to become a legal advocate and I now know just exactly what reward awaits at the end.

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gbpackerbacker
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Re: LAST MINUTE ADVICE- SUBMITTING PS TOMORROW

Postby gbpackerbacker » Fri Apr 15, 2011 2:22 am

chimp wrote:Apply next cycle




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