UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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mleibman
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UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby mleibman » Sat Apr 09, 2011 4:22 pm

Deleted for editing. I do not wish to keep my PS up permanently. Sorry, I didn't see any official delete button. To those who are not noobs like me, feel free to recommend how to officially remove the post. Thanks.
Last edited by mleibman on Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby sparty99 » Sat Apr 09, 2011 5:17 pm

Too superficial. Needs more depth. You list how you have interests and did activities, but never go into depth with one theme. You played NCAA baseball and lost the opportunity to distinguish yourself from other applicants. You also talk about having autism, but do a poor job really explaining how you are able to thrive in-spite of that condition.

You want to attend UCLA due to their enteainment program and that's been a goal since you were 15, but it is unclear as to how you truly prepared for a career in that area. Did you do an internship with Fox News during undergrad? Entertainment law? Why not corporate law? Why not child advocacy? How did you choose entertainment law?

kublaikahn
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Apr 09, 2011 9:01 pm

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Last edited by kublaikahn on Tue May 17, 2011 2:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BeaverHunter
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby BeaverHunter » Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:34 pm

All in all this is a good personal statement, however I and many other readers will naturally question the legitimacy of the introductory story given the incredible level of detail you recall from that day so long ago.

Otherwise a fine statement, good luck to you.

LSATclincher
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby LSATclincher » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:28 am

This is certainly a risky PS. Generally, I'd say avoid talking about any mental illness. You might lose the trust of the adcomms that you can succeed in law school. I understand it's a big part of your life and an important reason why you are choosing law school, but I'd cut it out. There should be no doubt that your PS will increase your chances of law school. With this, that is not the case.

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kwais
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby kwais » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:39 am

In the nicest way possible, I have to say that the opening story is unbelievable. Even if true, it seems too perfectly tailored to a personal statement. Don't make the reader start by questioning your integrity. Otherwise I liked it. Of course, many drafts and many editors should come between this and the final.
@sparty. Really? She didn't demonstrate how she prepared for this career track? have you read other PSs? did you actually read this one? Remember, the PS should not be a rehash of resume.

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mleibman
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby mleibman » Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:10 pm

I know the introductory statement seems "exaggerated". Yet, I remember it very well, specifically because it was a defining point in my life, and it caused me much pain (It is hard to forget a moment when a teacher calls you stupid and you loose a best friend). I need a jumping off point, so tips on how to refine the introduction would be helpful.

As for the "mental illness" component, aspergers is not a "mental illness" in the way schizophrenia or bipolar is. I have shown that it is a positive rather than a negative (IMO, because of it, I am an excellent student).

As for a contrary experience, I could perhaps discuss a professor I had in college (also someone who has aspergers). I could demonstrate how that person instilled in me the confidence to finally look at it in a beneficial way rather than just something I have dealt with all my life. The one thing I have to keep in mind is maintaining how it ties into me wanting to go to UCLA. I fear this could eat away at valuable space in my PS.

MOST important: The organizational structure is something that most concerns me. I wanted to stress how having aspergers forces me to become "fixated" on things. This fixation is entertainment law and motion picture finance. Needless to say, UCLA offers a great deal of specialized courses in this area.

Thank you so much for all of the feedback. It has been very helpful.

kublaikahn
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:18 pm

,
Last edited by kublaikahn on Tue May 17, 2011 2:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:33 pm

I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. Although your profile shows no LSAT score, my best guess is that you will do very well.

P.S. There are a few minor errrors & a touch of pandering, but otherwise this is an interesting essay full of intelligence, energy & optimism.

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mleibman
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Re: UCLA personal statement - be harsh, its a rough draft

Postby mleibman » Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:14 pm

I appreciate all of the feed back. As for the introductory paragraph, I will begin writing an alternate essay with a similar introduction. Thank you for the suggestion kublaikahn. I will delete this essay now in preparation for further editing.




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