Deleted by author. Thank you for your help.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ACBeaumont
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Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 7:05 pm

Deleted by author. Thank you for your help.

Postby ACBeaumont » Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:31 pm

Deleted by author. Thank you for your help.
Last edited by ACBeaumont on Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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esq
Posts: 571
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:59 pm

Re: Please critique my PS. Spare no criticism.

Postby esq » Thu Apr 07, 2011 11:55 pm

First of all, you have good material here that could be formed into a solid PS. Now that I've prefaced with that, I think that you have plenty of issues that you need to work on before this will help you compete for an adcomms attention. Not only is it too long, but it drags because you need to find more concise and interesting ways to communicate - too much fat. You also have some obvious typos, passive writing style (e.g. "a badger had broken:" a badger broke), and some other grammar/structural issues - you need a thesis so you can focus this mess on something, for one. Also, you do not quite answer the question "why law school," which I think is needed here, and you seem to be relying too much on the sob story end of your experience. It isn't necessarily bad to focus on your hard knocks, but if you do you need to turn it into something positive (maybe how it all adds up to you being a solid candidate for legal studies and why.)

BeaverHunter
Posts: 98
Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:05 am

Re: Please critique my PS. Spare no criticism.

Postby BeaverHunter » Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:30 am

The essay starts off very strong but definitely fades. If you were looking for a unifying theme, I would expand on "if you have to ask if its good enough it isn't". There is enough there for a good personal statement.

The overcoming obstacles thing is totally overdone and yours doesn't set itself apart. Focus on positive things in your life, or how your fathers lessons have made you a better person.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please critique my PS. Spare no criticism.

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Apr 08, 2011 3:35 pm

When your father explained his position on "Good Enough", he was telling you not to half-ass things. So for the rest of your piece you monotonously reuse this phrase incorrectly. It does not apply to having asthma, that is out of your control.

When you use the theme so outwardly in every paragraph you sound like some lame stump speech or high school coach getting his team ready for the game. Not well done.

You seem to hold your father in high esteem and then seemingly contradict yourself by discounting his position on education. I suppose you could explain your ambivelence, but you fail to do so in this piece and it hurts your credibility.

At some level, your self-professed "setbacks" seem like rather low hurdles common to most students (like paying for college). Who didn't? Think loans and grants. What makes you unique is the full time work.

Okay, so, the most usable part of this PS to me is that you worked full time and went to school. My understanding is that when this is provable it carries great weight with AdComs. I think you should focus on that. Mention your dad passing and say, the only thing good enough from this point forward was my best effort because my rock and safety net was gone. Segue into the job working for the Korean family (not sure why you mention their race, although it could be important, the way you wrote this it is not).

Transitioning from sales to law school is just not a good explanation to me of "why law". You should improve this argument or delete it.

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3|ink
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Re: Deleted by author. Thank you for your help.

Postby 3|ink » Tue Apr 12, 2011 11:11 am

ACBeaumont wrote:Deleted by author. Thank you for your help.


It's a little short if you ask me. You might want to break the two sentence barrier.




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