SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby MoneyBags » Wed Mar 23, 2011 6:53 pm

It takes only a moment for a life to change forever. For me, it took about thirty seconds as I rather hurriedly selected my research topic for my United Nations course. I had no idea how dramatically I had altered my life’s course in that single moment. This choice led to four months of relentlessly researching a solution to the blood diamond crisis taking place in central Africa, composing compelling arguments to defend my position, and constantly rehearsing with my team of delegates.

I was preparing for the annual Model United Nations Conference held in Chicago. In this UN simulation, our Truman State team was pitted against more than 1,500 students from domestic and foreign universities inclusive of Yale, Georgetown and National Chengchi University in Taiwan to assess our understanding of the major international policies that govern the UN General Assembly.

At the conference, after spending the majority of the time zigzagging from delegation to delegation, my final speech was the team's last hope of placing in the conference. With only three minutes left and being the last speaker for my team, I was not only drained from the pressure but also terrified. As I stood at the podium, I remembered that my painstaking research and the writing that I had done was for one purpose only: to make my voice heard. It was at that moment that I gained control, calmed my shaking hands, made eye contact with the audience, and began to speak with conviction.

As I neared the end of my delivery, I told the audience, that "our time is brief, but the impact we must leave will reverberate for years! Now is the time to act!” The thunderous applause from my peers and the judges seemed to confirm what I felt deep inside. The incredible feeling of succeeding after strenuous preparation washed over me. The resolution I presented received overwhelming support. It seemed that one's passion and hard work for a great cause can indeed have tremendous results. At the end of the conference, our team won "Best Delegation." We also walked away with the knowledge that we were competitive even with the best minds from the best universities in the world.

Watching members of my delegation ecstatically jump around with awards in hand, I began to feel detached. My time spent researching this region opened my eyes to the realization that as I learned more, I began to identify with the people. I learned the stories of individuals like Jusu Lahia, the fifteen year old kid whose dreams for greatness were shattered when he stepped on a landmine planted by a rebel group seeking to harass the population in the search for diamonds. The young teenager, Sahr Amara, who slaves away in the deep diamond mines everyday in the effort to take care of his six young siblings, is another story of a trapped victim. The frustration of realizing how similar these people were to me; yet due to their socioeconomic status, they are very different, not able to rise above their circumstances.

As I uncovered their stories and those of so many other innocent people whose lives had been shattered by the failure of the international community to act, I began to peel back the layers of my own value system. As a self-proclaimed “good Christian,” could I honestly say I was acting as “my brother’s keeper”? These people who were in dire straits before my “great moment” are still just as disenfranchised.

Taking a line out of my own playbook, I knew it was time to act. After being offered a position to work with the American Model United Nations staff, I took it as an opportunity to become better versed in African Policy with an emphasis on how education can empower a community. In addition, I knew that by just keeping this knowledge to myself, I would help no one. Thus, I made it my goal to create scholarships for students, who upon earning teaching degrees, would pledge to serve in countries which have been negatively affected by conflict diamonds. Additionally, by working closely with my university’s African Student’s Association, I have gained helpful insight into how I can best assist those who are suffering overseas. I am confident this network of change-seekers will devise ways to ensure hope is continually delivered to the countless individuals who are suffering in this ever-changing world.

This transformation is the epitome of the type of person I have become and how I approach life's obstacles. I have gone from an average kid running through the motions, to a determined young man working with passion to mold the world into a better place. I believe that difficult circumstances offer an opportunity to demonstrate how hard work and passion can deliver great results. With this mantra serving as a type of cadence for my life, my goal is to work with the real United Nations as an international attorney so I can help address the pressing concerns that affect the health of our planet and its people. I feel the ailments of the human race are too great to ignore. When the day comes that I can speak on behalf of individuals like Jusu Lahia, Sahr Amara, and others, I am determined to be prepared so that I can once again bring people together on one unified accord.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby MoneyBags » Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:05 pm

Your input would be INCREDIBLY useful/helpful :)

83947368
Posts: 323
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:16 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby 83947368 » Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:13 pm

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Last edited by 83947368 on Wed Jul 25, 2012 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yo!
Posts: 653
Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:11 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby yo! » Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:23 pm

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Last edited by yo! on Thu May 10, 2012 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby sparty99 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:15 am

The statement is okay, it could be a lot better. You need to stop adding "filler words."

"strenuous preparation washed over me" , thunderous applause, zigzagging.....There are more examples.

You do sound slightly holier than thou. It is quite annoying to read essays that portray this sentiment. ANYONE who has traveled internationally, has seen the poverty in other countries. However, I don't think you even left America.

I don't see how your experience makes you credible that you will go into public law or international peacekeeping. Experience doing Teach for America, Peace Corp, or significant time abroad would make me think otherwise. I'm sure you learned a lot in the UN Course, but reading about people's struggles is one thing, actually seeing it and being actively involved in that enviornment is something else. You do a poor job really going into the details of establishing the African program. Also, you waste too much time talking about how you are competing with other top universities and the "best minds in the world." Who cares. Let your experience, resume, and grades speak to that.

You also sound like a politician when you quote yourself, "now is the time to act" and you name drop the Africans. SOUNDS way to much like a Obama talking about, "Pat Smith in Bend, Oregon who works two jobs just to keep food on the table." Yawwwn.

I

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:35 am

Bravo. Much better.

MoneyBags wrote:It takes only a moment for a life to change forever. For me, Small seemingly unimportant choices can change our lives forever. It took about I spent thirty seconds as I rather hurriedly selected my research topic for my United Nations course. I had no idea how dramatically I had altered my life’s course in that single moment. This choice led to For the next four months, I of relentlessly researching researched a solution to the African blood diamond crisis taking place in central Africa, composing composed compelling arguments to defend my position, and constantly rehearsing rehearsed with my team of delegates.

I was preparing for the annual Model United Nations Conference held in Chicago. In this UN simulation, our Truman State team was pitted against more than 1,500 students from domestic and foreign universities inclusive of including Yale, Georgetown and National Chengchi University in Taiwan to assess our understanding of the major international policies that govern the UN General Assembly.

At the conference, after spending the majority of the time zigzagging from delegation to delegation, my final speech was the our team's last hope of placing in the conference. With only three minutes left and being the last speaker for my team, I was not only drained from the pressure but also terrified. As I stood at the podium, I remembered that my painstaking research and the extensive writing that I had done was for served one purpose only: to make my voice heard. It was At that moment that I gained control, calmed my shaking hands, made eye contact with the audience, and began to speak spoke with conviction.

As I neared the end of my delivery, I told the audience, that "our time is brief, but the impact we must leave will reverberate for years! Now is the time to act!” The thunderous applause from my peers and the judges seemed to confirmed what I felt deep inside. The incredible feeling of succeeding after strenuous preparation washed over me. The resolution I presented received overwhelming support, and the incredible satisfaction that comes when extreme diligence is met with success washed over me. It seemed that one's passion and hard workfor a great cause when combined with hard work can indeed have produce tremendous results. At the end of the conference, our team won "Best Delegation." We also walked away with the knowledge that we were competitive even with the outclassed some of the best minds from the best universities in the world.

Watching members of my delegation ecstatically jump around with awards in hand, I began to feel detached. celebrate, I became detached from the moment as I reflected upon the real lives of the victims. Through my research, I began to see the crisis on a personal level rather than an abstract problem, and as I learned more I began to empathisize with the victims of this tragedy. My time spent researching this region opened my eyes to the realization that as I learned more,I began to identify with the people. I learned the story of individuals like Jusu Lahia, the fifteen year old kid whose dreams for greatness were shattered when he stepped on a landmine planted by a diamond-hunting rebels group seeking to harass the populationin the search for diamonds. I grew sadder yet as I recalled the squalid working conditions of The young teenager, Sahr Amara, who slaves away in the deep diamond mines everyday in the effortto take care of his six young siblings, is another story of a trapped victim. The frustration of realizing how similar these people were to me; yet due to their socioeconomic status, they are very different, not able to rise abovedifficult and hopeless their circumstances weighed heavily on me. [I like the purpose and theme of this paragraph but think it need to be reworked. The point should be that your feelings of success were overshadowed by your grief of the continued hopelessness. It will be a great segue into the why law, but it just needs to be more understandable and convincing. No time to do it now, but will continue edit as soon as possible]

As I uncovered their stories and those of so many other innocent people whose lives had been shattered by the failure of the international community to act, I began to peel back the layers of my own value system. As a self-proclaimed “good Christian,” could I honestly say I was acting as “my brother’s keeper”? These people who were in dire straits before my “great moment” are still just as disenfranchised.

Taking a line out of my own playbook, I knew it was time to act. After being offered a position to work with the American Model United Nations staff, I took it as an opportunity to become better versed in African Policy with an emphasis on how education can empower a community. In addition, I knew that by just keeping this knowledge to myself, I would help no one. Thus, I made it my goal to create scholarships for students, who upon earning teaching degrees, would pledge to serve in countries which have been negatively affected by conflict diamonds. Additionally, by working closely with my university’s African Student’s Association, I have gained helpful insight into how I can best assist those who are suffering overseas. I am confident this network of change-seekers will devise ways to ensure hope is continually delivered to the countless individuals who are suffering in this ever-changing world.

This transformation is the epitome of the type of person I have become and how I approach life's obstacles. I have gone from an average kid running through the motions, to a determined young man working with passion to mold the world into a better place. I believe that difficult circumstances offer an opportunity to demonstrate how hard work and passion can deliver great results. With this mantra serving as a type of cadence for my life, my goal is to work with the real United Nations as an international attorney so I can help address the pressing concerns that affect the health of our planet and its people. I feel the ailments of the human race are too great to ignore. When the day comes that I can speak on behalf of individuals like Jusu Lahia, Sahr Amara, and others, I am determined to be prepared so that I can once again bring people together on one unified accord.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby MoneyBags » Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:41 am

Hey Everyone!

Thanks so much for your input!
Yesss,
the last thing I want is to sound arrogant. I'll be sure to adjust.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:33 pm

IMHO, this PS does not come across as arrogant. Although you should not quote yourself unless you are quoting dialogue. It comes across as proud, which is a good trait. I sense some on TLS would think you are proud of some accomplishments that they would consider pedestrian, but so what? Winning that competition is a big deal. Only one team wins among many excellent teams. To dismiss that would be a mistake.

The key is to pivot quickly, from pride in your accomplishment to motivation to continue. I think you do that, although you can do it more effectively. We never want to dwell on our success, that indicates someone who has few successes.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby MoneyBags » Thu Mar 24, 2011 5:57 pm

kublaikahn wrote:IMHO, this PS does not come across as arrogant. Although you should not quote yourself unless you are quoting dialogue. It comes across as proud, which is a good trait. I sense some on TLS would think you are proud of some accomplishments that they would consider pedestrian, but so what? Winning that competition is a big deal. Only one team wins among many excellent teams. To dismiss that would be a mistake.

The key is to pivot quickly, from pride in your accomplishment to motivation to continue. I think you do that, although you can do it more effectively. We never want to dwell on our success, that indicates someone who has few successes.



Thanks Kub.
I'll be sure to make that pivot a lot more effective!

83947368
Posts: 323
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:16 pm

Re: SECOND DRAFT...I PUT IN WORK~~~~~~~

Postby 83947368 » Tue Mar 29, 2011 12:38 pm

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