Please critique LOCI

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bigben5289
Posts: 84
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:51 pm

Please critique LOCI

Postby bigben5289 » Wed Mar 23, 2011 5:43 pm

Hey read my friend's LOCI, he doesn't have a TLS account and wants opinions. Critique away!

To Members of the Admissions Committee,

My name is ______ and I am an applicant for the Fall 2011 entering class. When I initially applied to the University of North Carolina I had never had the opportunity to visit the school. Despite not having the first hand experience of seeing Chapel Hill, the renowned reputation of the University of North Carolina traveled past this barrier to reach me through all my sources when researching law schools.

On Friday, March 18th I had the opportunity to visit the University of North Carolina. As I arrived into Chapel Hill I became captivated by the collegiate feel of the campus and the found the city of Chapel Hill to match all of the positive things I had heard about it. During my visit I had the opportunity to explore the law school, talk with a law student, and had all of my questions answered by _____, one of the admissions counselors.

My visit to the University of North Carolina left me with viewing the law school as my number one choice. I have had the opportunity to visit other law schools and none have matched every aspect that I am looking for. North Carolina matched everything I want in a law school. It has a great town, great facility, great people, and is located in a state that I can see myself starting my career. I know the University of North Carolina can offer me all the resources I need to succeed. I hope that my application represents me as a valuable asset that would contribute to the law school and the Tar Heel community. Thank you for taking the time to review my application and I am honored to still be considered for a seat for the Fall 2011 class.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Please critique LOCI

Postby sparty99 » Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:32 pm

bigben5289 wrote:Hey read my friend's LOCI, he doesn't have a TLS account and wants opinions. Critique away!

To Members of the Admissions Committee,

My name is ______ and I am an applicant for the Fall 2011 entering class. When I initially applied to the University of North Carolina I had never had the opportunity to visit the school. Despite not having the first hand experience of seeing Chapel Hill, the renowned reputation of the University of North Carolina traveled past this barrier to reach me through all my sources when researching law schools.

On Friday, March 18th I had the opportunity to visit the University of North Carolina. As I arrived into Chapel Hill I became captivated by the collegiate feel of the campus and the found the city of Chapel Hill to match all of the positive things I had heard about it. During my visit I had the opportunity to explore the law school, talk with a law student, and had all of my questions answered by _____, one of the admissions counselors.

My visit to the University of North Carolina left me with viewing the law school as my number one choice. I have had the opportunity to visit other law schools and none have matched every aspect that I am looking for. North Carolina matched everything I want in a law school. It has a great town, great facility, great people, and is located in a state that I can see myself starting my career. I know the University of North Carolina can offer me all the resources I need to succeed. I hope that my application represents me as a valuable asset that would contribute to the law school and the Tar Heel community. Thank you for taking the time to review my application and I am honored to still be considered for a seat for the Fall 2011 class.


Poorly written. Not inspiring or motivating to receive admission off the waitlist.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please critique LOCI

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:52 am

This will not help the cause. Based on this, I would stick to the base formula.

I am still interested.
Your great because A,B,C (specifics to UNC)
I have added the following items to my resume.
Thank you for considering me.
/loci

User avatar
pixytree
Posts: 175
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:35 pm

Re: Please critique LOCI

Postby pixytree » Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:15 am

definitely get more specific--did you sit in on classes? any clinics you like? anything specific students told you?




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