Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Sun Mar 13, 2011 1:59 am

With only three minutes left in the conference, the position of last speaker was terrifying. Despite spending the majority of the conference zigzagging from delegation to delegation, the fate of my resolution looked bleak. As I peered from behind the podium at the roomful of delegates, the butterflies in my stomach began to dance.

For four months, I had been preparing for this trip to Chicago. I was going to participate in the Windy City’s annual Model United Nations Conference. In this simulation of the actual UN, our Truman State team was pitted against more than 1,500 students from domestic and foreign universities including Yale, Georgetown, and National Chengchi University in Taiwan all in the effort to show our knowledge of how the UN is run.

For four long months, my life consisted of relentlessly researching the integral details of the blood diamond crisis in the Congo, composing compelling arguments to defend my position, and constantly rehearsing with my team of delegates to find the pitch perfect presentation model. In the cramped classroom, I worked with my Model UN team to find the route toward success. Yet, on that day, all the effort I had put in and all the hopes I had for passing my resolution came down to just three minutes.
However, as I stood at the podium, I remembered that every page that I had painstakingly researched and written was for one purpose—to be delivered. So I calmed my shaking hands, made eye contact with the crowd, inhaled deeply, and spoke.

In the end, not only was the resolution passed, but I assisted in leading my team to the rank of “Best Delegation” and casting Truman among some of the greatest schools in the nation. It was a joyous one which I will always remember.

This single experience provides just a microcosm into the overall manner by which I live my life. I have always believed that the seemingly impossible is just another opportunity to prove the far-reaching prowess of what hard work and dedication can bring. With this mantra serving as a type of cadence for my life, my future goal is to work with the real United Nations as an international attorney so I can help address the pressing concerns that affect the health of our planet and its people. I feel the ails of the human race are too great not to serve. When the day comes that I can speak on the behalf of those in a real life situation, I am determined to be prepared so that I can once again bring people together on one unified accord.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Sun Mar 13, 2011 11:23 am

Good? Bad? How can it be improved?

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kwais
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Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby kwais » Sun Mar 13, 2011 11:58 am

The writing is pretty good. A few too many "so", "yet", "however". The subject matter is a little light. Imagine an adcomm reading 25 essays in one day. Does the Model UN --> real UN essay stand out? Does the overcoming nerves to deliver a speech essay stand out? Probably not. I think it could be a lot more personal and to do so you will probably have to expand on the subject matter

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Sun Mar 13, 2011 12:02 pm

I hear ya dude. Good point. I should definitely try to get more personal.

halostarbucks
Posts: 42
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:31 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby halostarbucks » Sun Mar 13, 2011 9:17 pm

Okay,first of all, IMO the writing is kick ass top notch quality. However, it seems really short and I don't feel like I know anything about you. Are you trying to do Yale's 250 max essay? This may not be a bad thing if you have great stats and a killer resume (do you?) But if you have a lot riding on this essay you might want to add something.

There we go, now you are cordially invited to tear the crap out of my second draft which I will be posting in about 60 seconds.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:18 pm

halostarbucks wrote:Okay,first of all, IMO the writing is kick ass top notch quality. However, it seems really short and I don't feel like I know anything about you. Are you trying to do Yale's 250 max essay? This may not be a bad thing if you have great stats and a killer resume (do you?) But if you have a lot riding on this essay you might want to add something.

There we go, now you are cordially invited to tear the crap out of my second draft which I will be posting in about 60 seconds.



Thanks for the info bud!
Yeah, idk if it will be my actual personal statement, but I wrote it as a base. Something I could be flexible. But if it doesn't tell the reader more about me, idk if it is the route I want to go.
I was heavily considering molding it for Yale's 250 max essay.

As far as stats...hahaha. Well, let's just say I'm looking to make my upcoming LSAT incredible, but I have a 3.54.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Mar 14, 2011 2:51 pm

Your writing style is solid. Lose the passive voice, include more descriptive verbs, and get the tenses correct. You need more pathos in your writing.

This story is okay, although rather ordinary for a PS. I imagine the model UN experience also exists in your resume or other parts of your application. I would perfect this PS and then start over on a brand new PS that is much less ordinary. You have the skills to make it excellent.

MoneyBags wrote:With only three minutes left in the conference, the position of last speaker was terrifying.Despite spending the majority of the conference zigzagging from delegation to delegation, the fate of my resolution looked bleak. My final speech would offer our last hope. But with only three minutes left in the conference, the position of last speaker was terrifying. As I peered from behind the podium at the roomful of delegates, the butterflies in my stomach began to dance.

For four months, I had been preparing prepared for this trip to Chicago. I was going to participate inthe Windy City’s annual Model United Nations Conference. [Move this up to here] For four long months, my life consisted of relentlessly researchingI relentlessly researched the integral details of a solution to the blood diamond crisis in the Congo, composing composed compelling arguments to defend my position, and constantly rehearsing rehearsed with my team of delegates to find the pitch perfect presentation model. In the cramped classroom, I worked with my Model UN team to find the route toward success. Yet, on that day, The payoff for all the effort I had put inand all the hopes I had for passing my resolution came down to just rested upon what I could do in the next three minutes.


In this UN simulation of the actual UN, our Truman State team was pitted against more than 1,500 students from domestic and foreign universities including Yale, Georgetown, and National Chengchi University in Taiwan all in the effort to show our knowledge of how the UN is run in a contest to test our ability to influence world econonic policy [or whatever] within the contraints of the UN General Assembly.

For four long months, my life consisted of relentlessly researching the integral details of the blood diamond crisis in the Congo, composing compelling arguments to defend my position, and constantly rehearsing with my team of delegates to find the pitch perfect presentation model. In the cramped classroom, I worked with my Model UN team to find the route toward success. Yet, on that day, all the effort I had put in and all the hopes I had for passing my resolution came down to just three minutes.

However, as I stood at the podium, I remembered that every page that I had painstakingly researched and written was for one purpose—to be delivered to make my voice heard. SoI calmed my shaking hands, made eye contact with the crowd, inhaled deeply, and spoke began to speak.

[Rewrite the climax statement with more emotion and more personal info, e.g. "The loud applause from my peers and the judges confirmed what I felt deep inside. Passion and hard work when combined in a great cause can move mountains. Our team won "Best Delegation" and with it the knowledge that we could compete with the best minds from the best universities in the world."] In the end, not only was the resolution passed, but I assisted in leading my team to the rank of “Best Delegation” and casting Truman among some of the greatest schools in the nation. It was a joyous one which I will always remember.

This single experience provides just a microcosm[overused phrase] into the overall manner by which I live my life. [Consider something like: The way I approached this challenge exemplifies the manner in which I approach all life's obstacles.] I have always believed that the seemingly impossible is just another opportunity to prove the far-reaching prowess of what hard work and dedication can bring. [this sentence in nonsensical, Try something like: "I believe that difficult circumstances offer an opportunity to demonstate that hard work and passion can deliver great results"]

With this mantra serving as a type of cadence for my life, my future [redundant] goal is to work with the real United Nations as an international attorney so I can help address the pressing concerns that affect the health of our planet and its people. I feel the ails [ails is a verb, ailments is a noun] of the human race are too great not to serve. When the day comes that I can speak on the behalf of those in a real life situation, I am determined to be prepared so that I can once again bring people together on one unified accord.

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Mon Mar 14, 2011 4:16 pm

kublaikahn wrote:Your writing style is solid. Lose the passive voice, include more descriptive verbs, and get the tenses correct. You need more pathos in your writing.

[/quote]


Thanks so much Kublaikahn!
I will certainly make these corrections and to go further create a more substantial PS.

But I was wondering. As a middle class student who has a relatively decent life...I don't think I could in good faith write a story about overcoming some incredible obstacle and I haven't really learned any earth shattering facts. For much of my life, I worked at the grocery store down the street. While I have had some joyous opportunities like the Model UN conference, internship in my congressman's office, a speech competition in which I was able to travel across the country to participate in....they really are somewhat average when considering the stories of others.

So I guess my question is, what should the average Joe talk about in his Personal Statement to make it awesome/incredible like some of the others who have endured so much?

MoneyBags
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Here's the Red Meat....GO 2 DINNER

Postby MoneyBags » Mon Mar 14, 2011 5:08 pm

Tho i will admit...I was one heck of a bag boy ;)




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