personal statement first attempt!?!?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mooseman2216
Posts: 92
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:21 am

personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby mooseman2216 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:21 am

Two potassium pills. A near death experience and all I have to show for it is two potassium pills. Oh, and a bank account that is suddenly missing eight hundred miniature portraits of George Washington. A bit crestfallen, I check my suddenly precious iPhone only to realize that it is time for breakfast. Pancakes at seven o'clock in the morning have never, and will never, taste so good. I remind myself to return to IHOP after my next conversation with the grim reaper as I move one uneven zombie leg in front of the other towards my girlfriend's car. As I attempt, and fail, to open the door to Karen's car door, I absentmindedly reach towards my phone in order to inform my father of the medical escapade I had just returned from. Sitting in the passenger's seat, I recall how, just hours ago, I navigated Styx in this jet black canoe. As I recall Charon asking me where my coins were, my father's sleepy drone interrupts my adventure.

“Hello?” He muttered. “Hey Dad!”, I responded, “Sorry to wake you”. In typical paternal fashion he dismissed it without batting an eyelash. “That's fine. We wer... I mean I was just about to wake up anyway”. I noticed him trip over his tongue, but I had grown used to this. He performed these verbal acrobatics when he forget to omit the presence of his wife Cathy. In this instance, he was celebrating his honeymoon. Eureka Springs had been kind to my family ten years ago. The roads were very windy and and it smelled funny. Ten year old Michael did not pay attention to much more than these facts, but I do not care much for the details as much as I value the family time we spent together navigating and avoiding those unpleasantries. But now, Dad has taken his new family there to make new memories. As I formulated my response, my cloudy brain registered a foreign sensation on my right cheek. I pulled my phone away to see a smiling picture of my mother. I realized I had given her my wallet at the ER and she still had it. Choosing to continue my conversation with the other half of me, I explained what had transpired.

“About 3 AM I felt a twinge in my lower back. I continued to brush my teeth, but I started to feel very short of breath. It felt like my lungs would not inflate. I shook it off and walked up the stairs to bed. And then I walked down the stairs. And then back up the stairs. And then I woke Karen up. “Karen's mother is a nurse right?” my dad astutely interjected. “Yeah, she called her right away. She told my I should have left for the emergency room 30 seconds ago. Thoroughly panicked, everything got worse. I became faint and my pulse was leading the Daytona 500. The car ride only exagerrated my symptoms. I thought I was going to die. When I got to the ER I was put through lots of tests. EKG's, lung x-rays, blood draws, and a physical exam.” “Oh Michael! What did they find out?” “Nothing. They gave me two potassium pills and sent me on my way” I recited. “They figured my potassium was low even though the blood test did not show an unusually low count. It helped though. I feel perfect now!” After the pleasentries, I hung up the phone and, now laying in bed, entered into a slumber the old man would bump his head for.

A follow up appoint with my general practitioner revealed nothing. Several months later I returned with similar complaints and I was diagnosed with suffering from panic attacks. These panic attacks, which had become quite frequent, are triggered by stressors in my life. My doctor went over techniques with me to master my brain ,and I have. I still suffer the occasional relapse, but I can nip it in the bud. Between my parent's divorcing, my working twenty five to thirty hours a week during school, maintaining my grades, and finding time for myself, I have a full emotional plate, but I have developed ways of handling such tasks without channeling my anxiety into panic attacks.

For example, since my ER visit, I have become much more serious about my studies. I have managed my time and looked on my work positively, rather than negatively. This has cut out much of the academia induced stress. I have overcome a potentially debilitating condition and turned it in to many positive qualities. As a student of __________, I will be able to continue these personal growths and translate them into professional accomplishments. My father being a police officer has exposed me to the law all of my life. I have grown up wanting to affect positive change on people's lives, just like my father does every single day. The law presents a perfect avenue to continue my father's legacy and I would love for __________ to be the first chapter.

mooseman2216
Posts: 92
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:21 am

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby mooseman2216 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:23 am

while i plan on applying next cycle, i was bored so i gave my personal statement a whirl. i have no clue how much narrative i should include vs how much "i wanna be a lawyer" type stuff. i have done no research on personal statments so if i am way off base please tell me :)

also, my other idea involved forgoing my panic attacks and focusing just on my dad as a police officer.

thoughts? ideas? constructive criticism? negative criticism? boobs?



Also, I realize that the techincal aspect may not be perfect. for example, switching between current and past tense. ill be talking to my english professor about that, i was just looking for thoughts on content.

thanks!

User avatar
aspire2more
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:23 am

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby aspire2more » Thu Mar 10, 2011 1:53 pm

You're right to work on your grammar and spelling. You're also right to consult an expert in English about how to better organize your essay. You have an interesting story to tell, but I think the narrative needs to be cleaned up. The part at the very beginning is attention grabbing and the part about your family dynamics is interesting. The "blow by blow" description of your panic attacks and eventual diagnosis might be a little much.

Additionally, if you are going to reveal that you have an anxiety condition that is triggered by stress, be very convincing in your explanation that it will not be a problem for you in law school. Law school (from what current students have told me) is likely to cause a great deal more stress than any previous educational endeavors. If you need to expand something, I'd start with this section.

You mention your father frequently throughout the essay and at the end reveal that he is a police officer. I wonder if that dynamic could be fleshed out in another essay. Not saying you need two personal statements or any supplemental essays but, since you have lots of time, I thought I'd mention that I found the subject interesting.

Definitely do research on personal statements. Here are a couple of places to start:

http://www.deloggio.com/essays%20&%20ad ... 20bad.html
http://www.deloggio.com/essays%20&%20ad ... avoid.html
http://www.annaivey.com/iveyfiles/2009/ ... ing_babies
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/ ... ionscon-20
http://www.annaivey.com/iveyfiles/2009/ ... t_an_essay

Best of luck!

mooseman2216
Posts: 92
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:21 am

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby mooseman2216 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:48 pm

thank you very much for your feedback!

and thank you for the links as well!

this was just the type of input i was hoping for :)

User avatar
aspire2more
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:23 am

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby aspire2more » Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:54 pm

You're welcome!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:19 pm

This essay may harm your chances of admission to law schools, in my opinion. Your writing focuses too much on a negative aspect of your life without convincing the reader that you have overcome a significant life challenge. Better to use this composition for a creative writing class as it is not an appropriate writing style for law school or the practice of law.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby sparty99 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 6:07 pm

This essay is poorly written. You ramble and I was lost in your words. In addition, you use language that is unnecessary or does not make sense.

"crestfallen", "cloudy brain," "trip over his tongue," "uneven zombie leg"

This is not fictional writing 101. This is a personal statement to a professional program. I have no idea what your main theme was. Most likely because I read your essay and became disinterested. You need to be more succinct and be less descriptive.

I would purchase a law school essay book in addition to reading some of the essays on this site.

User avatar
Paraflam
Posts: 472
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:09 pm

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby Paraflam » Tue Mar 22, 2011 2:35 pm

mooseman2216 wrote:eight hundred miniature portraits of George Washington.

I stopped reading after this.

User avatar
Andrzej
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:21 pm

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby Andrzej » Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:51 pm

this is not good essay for law school acceptance. why were you having panic attacks. why would law administration care about them.
in my home country of poland people do not have these attacks. i have lived through harse conditions that no man should endure and have witnessed many many poor people eat garbage and sell women or trafficking just to buy a loaf of bread or survive. why do you feel so sad and lonely when you live in best country of world U.S.A. have you never seen father or did you spend entire boyhood with mule in field harvesting all alone for no money and only 1 MEAL A DAY that was shit food with produce not fit for rats. idid not have time for silly emotional attack i had only time to till and harvest wheat rye and potato. rewrite and focus more on why law is good profession and not why your sad and lonely. i think you have a good chance at law school and profession but NOT WITH THIS ESSAY!

User avatar
Emma.
Posts: 2401
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: personal statement first attempt!?!?

Postby Emma. » Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:00 pm

Paraflam wrote:
mooseman2216 wrote:eight hundred miniature portraits of George Washington.

I stopped reading after this.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.