Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
glolaw
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 1:15 am

Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby glolaw » Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:36 pm

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Last edited by glolaw on Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:01 pm

Reads well. Very interesting. Effective presentation of a relevant theme.

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thecilent
Posts: 2506
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:55 pm

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby thecilent » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:03 pm

I like it :)

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby sparty99 » Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:37 pm

Overall, this is a well written statement and I feel you have the maturity to do well in law school. However, there is room for improvement in the first and last paragraphs.

You need to be more succinct. The first parapgraph is too wordy and the imagery is unnecessary. "Nervous chatter swirled around me," "eddying through my faltering focus" - what the hell does that mean?

"My eyes kept flickering" - what?!

"woman sitting rigidly on the farthest lobby chair, wringing her hands" - damn, way too wordy! Just write, "the woman sitting in the chair was waiting for her name to be called."

Lastly, the last paragraph is way too short and you don't finish strong. Your experience with the Chinese immigrant was very well written (ignoring the first paragraph), however, I want to learn more about you. You name drop a school. You can easily name drop any school and therefore this does not work to your advantage. Also, I can see why you want to go to law school to help with these forms, but do you need a law degree to do that? You can just become a paralegal or take a class at a community college. I need more depth. A law degree is 3 years of your life. You have an opportunity to expand on why you need a legal degree and how you plan on using that degree. You also focus your entire personal statement on ONE SPECIFIC situation. You are at least 22 years of age. Surely, you can expand on your background in more detail.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:41 pm

I don't understand the above advice and I don't agree with it. There is no need to expand upon your reasons for seeking a law degree. Your essay is convincing enough concerning your interest & motivation for pursuing a law degree. The best personal statements focus on one theme.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby sparty99 » Thu Mar 03, 2011 8:04 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:I don't understand the above advice and I don't agree with it. There is no need to expand upon your reasons for seeking a law degree. Your essay is convincing enough concerning your interest & motivation for pursuing a law degree. The best personal statements focus on one theme.


This is a short essay that focuses on a 15-20 minute situation that the author encountered. Quality is more important than quantity, but the author is foregoing the opportunity to expand on their background (there was a nice touch quickly talking about studying abroad in china/immigrant parents).

I'm sure the author has more reasons to study law versus what they stated. So this situation happened and all of a sudden, they want to spend $200,000 on a degree? Perhaps you can expand although not crucial.

The author name drops a school. They can go into further detail on why that school and how their background might contribute to the overall diversity of the school. Does _______ law school specialize in immigration law? Are there immigration clinics that interest you?

Also, they can further expand on their work at the immigration office or whatever they did. If you leave the essay as is, then the author is leaving out the opportunity to impress the admissions committee further. I like you after reading this and I want to learn more. You have an entire page left....

glolaw
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 1:15 am

Re: Help! Is this PS even worth editing or should I start over?

Postby glolaw » Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:10 pm

thank you thank you! i will take all of your suggestions into consideration and hopefully have a new draft to review tonight. thanks again!!




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