Please critique my personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
tweety1615
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2011 6:46 pm

Please critique my personal statement

Postby tweety1615 » Fri Feb 18, 2011 6:51 pm

Personal Statement
By
Tammy Messier-Gossett
February 18, 2011


Two years ago I was sitting in my truck after I just signed documents for the funeral of my husband whom passed 5 days prior on Valentine’s Day 2008 of congestive heart failure. I thought to myself what am I going to do with my life now? I want to be a successful business woman. The night before I was watching a show called Greed. It was talking about a person who embezzled millions from a corporation. I said to myself I can be the lawyer for the case. I also can contribute my knowledge of accounting to the case. I decided to go back to school to obtain my degree in Accounting.
Fraud in American and all over the world is a major problem today. The decline in the economy is putting a huge strain on large corporations. It seems easy for the accounting personnel to cheat on the books to make the company look better than it did before. I thought to myself what I can do to help make the corporate world know that fraud is wrong and you will be caught and prosecuted for wrongdoing.
I was working as a bookkeeper at the time of my husband’s death. Before he began to get really ill I was taking accounting classes and I enjoyed it very much. I then decided to further my education and achieve a bachelor degree in Accounting. The classes were challenging and exciting to me. One of the classes I really enjoyed was forensic accounting. This class was very exciting to me and made me want to become a lawyer even more.
I enjoyed the challenge of working fulltime, meeting the demands of college demands, and getting good grades. My grades were good enough to gain honors in Sigma Beta Delta and honors with Colorado Technical University also; I am a person with great determination. As you can see, with the grades, honors, work, and home life I would make a great candidate for law school. I have great work habits and good ethics in my decisions I have made with my life and school.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby sparty99 » Fri Feb 18, 2011 11:34 pm

This is not a strong essay. There are grammar issues. "Meeting the demands of college demands," "The classes were challenging and exciting to me," "fulltime," etc.

There is no logical flow. I don't see why you would be a strong candidate for law school. You do a poor job explaining your qualifications and interest in law. You didn't even need to bring up your husband's death to make an effective essay. Or the fact that you saw a show called, "Greed." You need to better explain your experience in accounting and how scandals (Enron, MCI, etc) has led you to become a lawyer. Why did you enjoy forensic accounting? How does accounting cross over to being a lawyer? Don't just say you have great determination. Let your story telling reveal that characteristic.

This essay is underdeveloped. You need to think about how your experience in accounting will truly contribute to the law school experience and as an attorney.
Last edited by sparty99 on Sat Feb 19, 2011 2:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby sparty99 » Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:18 am

You can better explain your world upon your husbands death. FOr example:

"My husband died unexpectedly. He was the chief wage earner. After his death, I was left a widow and the sudden realization that I lost my love and 80% of our household income. After decades of being a housewife, I had no other choice but to enter the workforce to survive. This led me to accounting. I was drawn to accounting because of the analytical nature and blah blah blah. As I took accounting classes I gained a passion. This led me to Forensic Accounting. I enjoyed blah blah blah because it allowed me to use my blah blah blah skills.

Blah blah blah. I want to use my skills in accounting to be a lawyer. blah, blah.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby LSATclincher » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:41 pm

You certainly have a unique life experience in your husband's tragic passing. I'd stick to making this a more personal essay. Discuss how you've overcome the adversity, and how this life event has shaped you into a stronger person...Strong enough to take on the mental endurance of an attorney.




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