Rate my personsal statement please!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Rate my personsal statement please!!

Postby logicgamesbrah » Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:28 pm

When I was twelve years old I was offered a job to umpire single A little league baseball games at a local park. The starting salary was twenty five dollars a game, more than triple my biweekly allowance of eight dollars. I jumped at the opportunity and was soon perched high above the dirt mound signaling, “playball!” I had been meticulous in my preparation for the game, reviewing the rule book and practicing the calls in my room. Yet no self preparation would prove sufficient for the verbal barrage I was about to endure. The parents, instead of looking upon the innocent child with empathy, were ruthless competitors. They looked upon my uncertainty as means to gain an advantage for their child and team. My confidence had turned into fear and panic and I was looking for a way to escape. I went to my father between one of the innings and told him that I needed to go.

“You’re making this bigger then it is. It’s a kids game,” my father said. “Don’t make it so that you always remember this moment, make it so that the people always remember you.”

Ten years later and that quote from my father still sticks with me today. I chose to attend XXXXXX College in New York City because I wanted to have the best opportunity to grow as a student, not only intellectually but also culturally. I exposed myself to as many new situations and people as I could from the Gaelic club, to the rugby team, to the Law Society. My government major and business minor helped me develop critical and analytical thinking skills that have changed the way I view the world. The discipline that I learned from umpiring helped me balance the workload of school and having a part time job during my junior and senior years. My most fulfilling project was my senior thesis which was based on the informal “funeral diplomacy” which occurs between nations during the death of a prominent political figure.

Now several months removed from undergrad, working in a restaurant and on the law school application process many of my peers have asked me why I have chosen to pursue law. I have several reasons why I tell them. Many dating back to my experiences in college visiting courtrooms with the law society, talking with attorneys, and my natural fondness for courses such as business and constitutional law. But there is something more that drives me. Something that goes back to the little league field where I learned one of my most important life lessons. “Because I want to make a difference, I want to be remembered,” I say. And I’m not quite sure they understand.

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Re: Rate my personsal statement please!!

Postby sparty99 » Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:36 pm

Last edited by sparty99 on Tue Feb 22, 2011 8:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Rate my personsal statement please!!

Postby KMaine » Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:41 pm

Can I rate the title of your thread? :P

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Re: Rate my personsal statement please!!

Postby Peg » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:07 am

Yeaaah, this is weak. I pretty much agree with everything sparty99 said. If I had to rate this essay I'd call it Generic at best. It's bland and basically discusses your resume, and the umpiring story doesn't relate to the rest of the essay well. Crappy cliche reason for doing law. In fact, when I read this:

“Because I want to make a difference, I want to be remembered,” I say. And I’m not quite sure they understand.

...I thought to myself, "I don't blame his friends, I don't think I understand either."

On side note, it makes me cringe when people write, "I want to study law because I want to save the whales/change the world/make a difference." Unless you can provide evidence for your feelings and provide a background so we know where this is coming from, don't use any of these reasons.

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