Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
magdalena99
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Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:44 pm

Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:24 pm

care to comment on my ps? i would be so thankful as i need to get it in asap.
Last edited by magdalena99 on Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:27 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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helloperson
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby helloperson » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:52 pm

I quit reading in the second sentence because you wrote "precedes" when you meant to write "proceeds"

magdalena99
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:20 pm

thanks for the attempt.

it actually had been "proceeds" in my previous five drafts. i think spell check flagged it and i switched it without noticing.

but i am still glad it was pointed out. maybe try again?

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helloperson
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby helloperson » Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:44 pm

Overall: Good. I learned about you and I have a feel for what kind of person you are. You can read a room immediately (your message) and know how to manipulate the various players in a scene to your own ends (my extrapolation of that, if you were trying to get this across without explicitly saying, "I can be a bit of a sociopath" then job triple well done).

I would change the wording in a couple places. For instance:


The practice of law follows that purpose, so I can continue to affect the lives of others, but in a more enduring and direct way.


Change to: my pursuit of a career in law is motivated by the same forces that drove me to act. Or not. I don't like this sentence; I think because the practice of law shares a particular purpose with acting rather than follows it, but I can't really offer suggestions to change it without reworking a bunch of the paragraph.

litigator, moving fluidly between the myriad of possible realities and different perspectives.


Not sure I like this. "Myriad of possible realities" evokes the imagery of a drug trip.

whatever argument I am making


definitely lose the word "whatever." Change to something like "the relevant argument" or "the argument at hand"
I think it should be "whichever," but I'm not 100% sure. If you know better then keep it.

Your prose is not spectacular, but that's okay; no one expects you to be Nabokov. It might be safe to ignore my edits/suggestions. I think you got the message across that you were trying to convey. Get a family member/professor to examine it closely for spelling/grammar.

magdalena99
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:02 am

helloperson,

thanks for the good and amusing comments. you saved me from going to bed feeling totally dejected.

magdalena99
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Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:25 pm

Dear Readers,

If you could just take a moment to give me your overall impression of my PS.

Thanks.

magdalena99
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:58 pm

just wanted to ask one more time. if anyone can give their impression, negative comments would guide me better than none.

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aguaman13
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby aguaman13 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 11:42 pm

In regards to the first topic, I think you tell a very interesting story in a very colorful way. However, you spent very little time actually responding to the prompt. I would worry that after 3 paragraphs the ADCOM would begin to wonder, "so, why do they want to be a lawyer?" To me, this reads more like a standard personal statement: you touch on past experiences, skills, and a plan for how you will lawyer. I would try to address the prompt more directly.

PM me if you are willing to swap. I will review your second statement if you take a look at mine.

2ndAmendment
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby 2ndAmendment » Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:55 am

I like what you're trying to do with language here, but I have a comments on content and on style/wording.

re: content.

Right now you communicate that acting and lawyering are the same thing. You may want to also discuss how they are different. The law, after all, is based on real facts, real situations, etc., and even in front of a jury you're not performing just to sway a jury's emotion, but to bring about justice. The "essence of law"--especially in the context of criminal law--has more profound implications than the essence of acting. This doesn't mean empathy isn't important. In some instances, you need empathy to better understand the facts and be a most effective advocate. But practicing law also requires logic, critical reasoning, etc. If you reflect a little more, I'm sure you can imagine further distinctions.

Re style:

instead of "myriad of" use "myriad." "Myriad," literally means ten-thousand. You wouldn't say "ten-thousand of possible..."

"My mind’s eye surveys the scene, and every detail comes flooding back." This is a mixed metaphor, you "survey" the seen and the details come "flooding" back. Maybe try something along the lines of "When I remember the scene, every detail..."

magdalena99
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Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:21 pm

thank you aguaman and 2nd.

i am very thankful for your comment. i am planning on submitting tonight/early morning so really need different perspectives.

i am going to consider you advice and hopefully address it with even a line or too.

thank guys for coming through!

oh yeah, agua sure we can swap- i will pm you.

magdalena99
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:44 pm

Re: Any resident experts, busybodies or just plain helpful...?

Postby magdalena99 » Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:25 pm

Oh and PLEASE keep the comments coming....




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