P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aguaman13
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P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:38 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by aguaman13 on Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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aguaman13
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 7:28 am

Anyone? I'd really like to turn get these last apps in, and any feedback would greatly appreciated.

dddhhh
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby dddhhh » Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:58 am

PS:
*I feel like there is a great story here, but it's not told. You speak generally: "combat the social problems", "shape policy" - speak openly and honestly about what these are and why they are important.
*You decided to leave your job and travel. Yet, it is unclear if you just traveled or if you did volunteer work while traveling.
*Spend less time speaking generally about your experiences and concentrate on one or two specific things that changed/shaped your world view, expand on el milagro or tent cities.
*In your last paragraph you say the school will receive an "accomplished leader", use your PS to give examples of this as right now it is not fully developed.

dddhhh
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby dddhhh » Mon Feb 07, 2011 10:07 am

DS:
I like your DS but I think the last paragraph can be stronger.
"However, I now accept what was difficult with the knowledge that it is because of my background and experiences, both good and bad, that I now stand ready to receive an education that will provide me with the tools to make the world a better place. For someone with roots and love spread across the globe, there is truly nothing more that I could ask for."
Don't say make the world a better place, address specifically what it is that you wish to change (race relations, policy, whatever it may be).

Edit: Also this sentence needs to be changed "My family consists of Jews, Catholics and Muslims, Central Americans, Eastern Europeans and Middle Easterners are family" are family at the end doesn't make sense there.

dddhhh
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby dddhhh » Mon Feb 07, 2011 10:19 am

Addendum:
*It reads as a little whiny....I would reword the first two sentences since you include the hours you were working at the end of the paragraph.
*Just give your reasons and let them make the judgment (excuses, others can do it, etc)
*The last paragraph seems general, too broad and unfocused.

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aguaman13
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:25 pm

Thanks for the input! I really appreciate it.

dddhhh wrote:PS:
*I feel like there is a great story here, but it's not told. You speak generally: "combat the social problems", "shape policy" - speak openly and honestly about what these are and why they are important.
*You decided to leave your job and travel. Yet, it is unclear if you just traveled or if you did volunteer work while traveling.
*Spend less time speaking generally about your experiences and concentrate on one or two specific things that changed/shaped your world view, expand on el milagro or tent cities.
*In your last paragraph you say the school will receive an "accomplished leader", use your PS to give examples of this as right now it is not fully developed.


You are the second reader to suggest more depth and fewer stories. Israel/Palestine and el Milagro seem to be the two that resonate most, so I'm thinking I will focus on those two, and use the additional space to get deeper into the "social problems" and plans for the future. However, I do a bit more of that in my diversity statement, and was assuming the same person would read both. Am I wrong?

Regarding volunteering and the accomplished leader comment:

-I state that I attempted to give back along the way and my resume provides details of the volunteer work.
- I mention that I was an award-winning coach and top-level recruiter. Also, I was again making the assumption that the same person would read my resume, which provides significant support for my claim of being an accomplished leader. Am I wrong, again? Is that not enough?

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D-ROCCA
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby D-ROCCA » Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:30 pm

Addendum:
"I will not use this space to use the significant hours that I worked as an excuse."

You just did.

dddhhh
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby dddhhh » Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:22 pm

aguaman13 wrote:You are the second reader to suggest more depth and fewer stories. Israel/Palestine and el Milagro seem to be the two that resonate most, so I'm thinking I will focus on those two, and use the additional space to get deeper into the "social problems" and plans for the future. However, I do a bit more of that in my diversity statement, and was assuming the same person would read both. Am I wrong?

Regarding volunteering and the accomplished leader comment:

-I state that I attempted to give back along the way and my resume provides details of the volunteer work.
- I mention that I was an award-winning coach and top-level recruiter. Also, I was again making the assumption that the same person would read my resume, which provides significant support for my claim of being an accomplished leader. Am I wrong, again? Is that not enough?


*If you do social plans/future in DS then try writing a piece for the PS that is completely focused on 1 or 2 specific travel narratives & how your travels have shaped your worldview b/c otherwise if you touch on it without fully developing it it seems unfinished.
*Each school is different, maybe one person reads your file or maybe a group reads your file - it's hard to know.
*I didn't see your resume so I don't know how it ties back to you giving back, but just remember how many files they have to read- they may miss that point or not remember it by the time they get to your PS, make as many of the connections for them- don't leave it for them to have to connect the dots. It doesn't need to take up a lot of space either, just preface it.
*I see your point about being a leader (coach and recruiter) I guess I just meant maybe sharing those qualities that you think inherently make a leader great instead of just saying you are a leader.

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aguaman13
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:20 am

*If you do social plans/future in DS then try writing a piece for the PS that is completely focused on 1 or 2 specific travel narratives & how your travels have shaped your worldview b/c otherwise if you touch on it without fully developing it it seems unfinished.
*Each school is different, maybe one person reads your file or maybe a group reads your file - it's hard to know.
*I didn't see your resume so I don't know how it ties back to you giving back, but just remember how many files they have to read- they may miss that point or not remember it by the time they get to your PS, make as many of the connections for them- don't leave it for them to have to connect the dots. It doesn't need to take up a lot of space either, just preface it.
*I see your point about being a leader (coach and recruiter) I guess I just meant maybe sharing those qualities that you think inherently make a leader great instead of just saying you are a leader.[/quote]

Thanks. Your suggestions were really helpful. Implementing some of them now, and will update. Hoping to submit before Friday.

Anyone else have any criticism or advice?

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aguaman13
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:22 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by aguaman13 on Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dddhhh
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby dddhhh » Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:38 pm

Much better!!!! Good job making being specific about your talents and how they led to your merits. I like the story and how it led you to law. I agree that the conclusion needs help. Do the law schools you are looking at have human rights clinics? Showing your interest in the specific programs that the schools offer will help you validate your choice in choosing LS over other Grad school degrees.

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aguaman13
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Re: P.S., Diversity, and Addendum- Feedback Please, will swap

Postby aguaman13 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:52 pm

dddhhh wrote:Much better!!!! Good job making being specific about your talents and how they led to your merits. I like the story and how it led you to law. I agree that the conclusion needs help. Do the law schools you are looking at have human rights clinics? Showing your interest in the specific programs that the schools offer will help you validate your choice in choosing LS over other Grad school degrees.


Thanks. Most of the schools have public interest programs and clinics in one form or another. I am going to insert the school specific info later today. However, I need to see how much space I will have for that, because I'm 5 lines too long now.

Anybody have any suggestions on what can be cut that will not interfere with conveying the power of the experience?




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