Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aguaman13
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Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:21 am

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DreamsInDigital
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby DreamsInDigital » Sun Feb 06, 2011 5:09 am

aguaman13 wrote:Hoping to submit within the next couple of days. Have at it:

In a world where being different can cost someone their life, I choose to see diversity as a blessing. Sure, there have been times when my diversity has caused problems. It was not fun to be called names, pulled over without cause, or have symbols of hate carved into my school desk. It hurt. However, I could not be more grateful for who I am, and what I have experienced. Even for those moments that hurt. I have learned that diversity is a gift. My travels have taken me to places where homogeneity is the norm, and I have seen that such places are far more susceptible to the scourge of intolerance. I grew up receiving the ultimate lesson in tolerance. Jews, Catholics and Muslims, Central Americans, Eastern Europeans and Middle Easterners are family. Mexicans, Africans, Asians and Australians are amongst my closest friends. Growing up loving people of such a wide-range of backgrounds has made it impossible for me to hate someone for being different. I am a person who sees all people as family and treats them as such. Not a huge fan of this beginning. Very broad, you don't explain your travels and how you recieved the lessons of intolerance. I actually think the next paragraph is a good paragraph to start on. But if you don't want to get rid of this paragraph completely I would cut it in half and focus it on something concrete from your travels that made an impact on you.

For as long as I can remember, I have stood up and spoken for the minority. At times, this was as simple as presenting the other-side of an argument in a classroom discussion. In other situations, it meant peacefully, but steadfastly, standing in front of those who were looking to abuse an outcast. I have no doubt why this is. For, in addition to my cultural connections, The totality of my family's tale leaves me sympathetic to a vast-range of situations. I would change this sentence a little; you want to be more than sympathetic, you want to be moved and pushed into action.Immigration is such a case. The story of my family is largely one of immigration. My mother's parents were born in Central America and she was raised in Mexico. My father's ancestors have been on the run for centuries. His father's story only recently came to light after learning that our last name was changed from X at Ellis Island. Learning this helped me discover that my ancestors had been expelled from Spain during the Inquisition and were victims of blood libel during the Damascus Affair. His mother’s family fled Odessa in order to avoid the purges that left 1.5 million of their fellow Ukrainian Jews dead. Her family lived in tenements in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, packed next to other immigrants. I know you want to tell everything, but it sounds a little more like you're just listing off events. Maybe cut down the details and add how you connect to it. They were looking for what so many immigrants throughout history were searching for: safety. Knowing all of this makes it easy for me to understand why families immigrate, and the problems they face upon doing so. For those that have struggled with addiction, I can relate, as My mother's struggled with alcoholism for many years. Her and subsequent battles with depression have left me sympathetic to those whom suffer from mental disease. The wreckage of those problems left our family with nothing financially and made us lose our home. But the experience gave me with the an understanding of how it feels to lose a home and live life on a truly day-to-day basis of mental disease and how tenuous it makes what you took for granted. Finally, for those who lack the means to defend themselves, I can relate Witnessing my father being taken advantage of by unscrupulous insurance companies and employers who knew that he simply could not afford to take them on makes me identify with those who lack the means to defend themselves in our society.

Over time, my experiences and background cultivated a fascination of how best to promote the needs of the underserved and underrepresented. From Paulo Friere to John Rawls, Simón Bolívar to Martin Luther King Jr., I learned much about who needs help, why they need help, and how best to do it. Even Che Guevara, the Dalai Lama and Elie Weisel have offered insight. My time abroad has provided more lessons and served to put others in better perspective. I am now able to draw a clear picture of what my role in bringing about change can be. This is where I think you should talk about your travel and how it has shaped you, not in the first paragraph (instead of just listing famous figures) By utilizing my diversity, I can build bridges from one group to another, and break down barriers by showing these groups how much they share in common. I should apply My leadership skills will allow me to help these to employ those new found coalitions to advance their shared causes. My aptitude and drive to learn will be utilized in law school as I am taught how best to achieve this. And finally, as a Latino and the first member of my family to graduate from college, I will serve as a role model for those who are members of communities whom are underrepresented and stereotyped as not academically inclined.It seems like you just threw this in out of nowhere. Either elaborate more on how the stereotypes affected and impacted you, or leave it out. I like your tie in to law school in the last paragraph so I don't think its needed here

Being different is not always easy, but it is an opportunity. An opportunity to learn and an opportunity to grow. There were times when I did not see things this way. I was angry when epithets were being hurled, and when I stood embarrassed on the side of the road as my car was unjustly searched. I was sad when I saw the swastikas, and when my mother got drunk and forgot to pick us up from school. However, I now accept what was difficult with the knowledge that it is because of my background and experiences, both good and bad, that I now stand ready to receive an education that will provide me with the tools to make the world a better place. For someone with roots and love spread across the globe, there is truly nothing more that I could ask for.


this is just what comes to mind for me. I am far from an expert; just started my cycle so I don't even know if my diversity statement was successful. Hope you don't take offense to any of the suggestions and I apologize if you do.

Overall, I like it. Needs a little more of you in there but I can see it helping your application. I suck at grammar so I would have someone look at that if you do take any of my suggestions.

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aguaman13
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:48 am

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aguaman13
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:55 pm

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aguaman13
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:56 pm

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DreamsInDigital
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby DreamsInDigital » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:51 pm

I think this version is much better than the other one. I feel like I learn a little more about you than in the other one. I think there are still some grammatical and word choice issues, but those are really not my strength. I think if have a few more people look at it and clean it up a little you will have a strong ds.

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aguaman13
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Re: Diversity Statement- Comments/Criticism?

Postby aguaman13 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:03 pm

Thanks. I appreciate your input. A fresh perspective really helps with this stuff.




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