anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

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jachrist
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:48 pm

anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby jachrist » Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:07 am

PM me for a copy. Willing to trade :D

jachrist
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:48 pm

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby jachrist » Sun Feb 06, 2011 11:50 am

“ *jachrist*, grab your jacket. I need you at the courthouse in 15 minutes.” Mr. John Doe yelled down the hallway as he stepped into the office that morning. My internship at the Office of the Attorney General was coming to a close in just a few weeks, and each day was becoming increasingly monotonous. I was elated at the opportunity to postpone my date with the mountain of paperwork that had been placed on my desk the previous day. Opening arguments were about to begin for a series of trials in which members of the Pennsylvania Legislature had been charged with misuse of taxpayer funding. Mr. Doe knew that I was considering a career in the judicial system, and he wanted me to attend the trial in order to provide him with observations of the jury and the defense attorneys. By the time I left the courtroom, any uncertainties I may have had regarding law school were put to rest. I knew that the excitement I had witnessed there was not something I could simply forget. It was something I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life.
Upon returning to my apartment that evening, I ordered my first LSAT study guide and began looking at the various aspects of law in which I might be interested. I knew criminal law was at the top of my list, but I wanted to explore all options before committing to one specific field. Soon, I was spending less time playing video games with my friends and more time practicing logic games techniques.
When my internship in Harrisburg was completed, I decided to visit my family and inform them of my intentions to attend law school. My father, a Baptist minister, and my mother, an elementary school teacher, moved to Georgia with my three younger siblings during my freshman year of college. While they were supportive of my decision, they were not in a position to financially support me while I studied for the LSAT. Although I had held a full-time job since my last year of high school, I had hoped to be able to take time away from work to prepare for the admission process. This was no longer an option.
Despite the lack of monetary support from my family, I had always been blessed with a talent for handling finances. While many of my friends paid $1500 per month for small apartments near the University, I had chosen instead to purchase a home in a rural community several miles away. Proper management of my financial aid refund checks and weekly salary resulted in a mortgage-free property two months before graduation. I was also able to satisfy both of my vehicle loans before the beginning of August. The absence of a monthly mortgage or vehicle loan payment was extremely beneficial as it allowed me to be less concerned with my budget and more concerned with my law school preparations.
As I continued throughout the application process, unexpected events arose that tested my determination. The most significant of these came when two of the other managers at my place of employment transferred to other companies at the beginning of our busiest quarter. This forced me to work 65 to 70 hours a week for two full months. While this schedule certainly tested my physical abilities, it only further fueled my desire to obtain a degree in law. I continued to find ways to attend law school forums, speak with admission advisors, and study for the LSAT.
I may not speak three different languages. I may not have lived for months in a developing country. I may not have a culturally diverse family background. I am certain, however, that my unwavering passion to pursue a career in law as well as my ability to balance that passion with all of my other responsibilities would make me a highly successful student at ABC Law Center.


ANY comments are welcome.... I need some serious assistance as I can't really write about anything extraordinary....

Am I at least on the right track? total rewrite needed? etc.


Thanks for all the help. :)

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TommyK
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Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby TommyK » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:10 pm

I don't like the last paragraph. You spend time highlighting what you don't have and presenting an argument that is unnecessary - why you may be a worthy recipient of admittance over somebody who has those things. I wasn't even thinking about that until you brought it up. I'm a believer that the PS is an opportunity to get across one, maybe two compelling points; one of your points shouldn't be that you're not a diverse candidate.

I'm not a fan of highlighting the application process in a piece of the application process. It's like a play within a play - too meta for my tastes. I would drop the mention of the LSAT preparation, video games, etc.

I think it's cool you bought a house and now own it straight out. Seems like it doesn't quite fit right now, though.

Why did working 60-70 hrs/wk fuel your desire to obtain a law degree? It seems like a non-sequitor. I eat bananas so I have a ford escort.

Also, you realize that the practice of law will be largely monotonous paperwork that you were eager to avoid, right? It's not going to be all courtroom drama. You may want to work on this first paragraph to indicate that after you had experienced the courtroom excitement, you realized and appreciated the context and importance of the administrative side.

glhf

edited for grammar
Last edited by TommyK on Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Cupidity
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Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:21 pm

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby Cupidity » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:12 pm

Your intro syntax & diction reminds me of how harry potter books are written, eh.

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aguaman13
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:57 am

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby aguaman13 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 1:57 pm

TommyK wrote:I don't like the last paragraph. You spend time highlighting what you don't have and presenting an argument that is unnecessary - why you may be a worthy recipient of admittance over somebody who has those things. I wasn't even thinking about that until you brought it up. I'm a believer that the PS is an opportunity to get across one, maybe two compelling points; one of your points shouldn't be that you're not a diverse candidate.


I agree. End positive.


I think it's cool you bought a house and now own it straight out. Seems like it doesn't quite fit right now, though.

Why did working 60-70 hrs/wk fuel your desire to obtain a law degree? It seems like a non-sequitor. I eat bananas so I have a ford escort.


Again, I agree. I had the same question about the 60-70 hours per, but feel like there is something there. Maybe you can go deeper here and scratch the home purchase.

Also, you realize that the practice of law will be largely monotonous paperwork that you were eager to avoid, right? It's not going to be all courtroom drama. You may want to work on this first paragraph to indicate that after you had experienced the courtroom excitement, you realized and appreciated the context and importance of the administrative side.


Definitely. The frist thing that I thought when I read that first section was "why do you want to go to law school?!?!?!?!" Skip to the excitement and how it made you feel. Doing so would also remove one of the "Mr. Doe" references, which just seemed a bit awkward.

I see a lot of potential. You clearly are a responsible person with a strong work ethic. Just be sure to play up those strengths.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby LSATclincher » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:09 pm

Get rid of the LSAT and money references. It seems your PS was a bit too personal. Stick with a mature tone throughout. Stay positive and confident.

dddhhh
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 5:55 pm

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby dddhhh » Sun Feb 06, 2011 3:22 pm

Focus on your strong work ethic and your other positive characteristics.

Specific things:
*Don't refer to the internship as monotonous.
*Reflect on the courtroom experience if you are going to mention it as life-changing, what was it specifically about this that made it ease your uncertainty?
*Please do not mention playing video games in your free time, yes we all have a game console and play, but stating it in a PS seems a little strange.
*At the end, do not state what you cannot offer - end strong with why you would be a good candidate and what you can offer the school.

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rinkrat19
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Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:28 pm

Too much negative stuff about the internship before you give any reasons for liking it. The first few sentences made me wonder why you'd want to be a lawyer (which can be just as monotonous and have just as much paperwork), and even though you switched gears from bitching about it to saying how interesting legal work is, my initial reaction stuck with me as I read the rest.

theLSATnemesis
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:08 pm

Re: anyone have a minute to read my PS??? first draft.

Postby theLSATnemesis » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:41 pm

jachrist wrote:
I may not speak three different languages. I may not have lived for months in a developing country. I may not have a culturally diverse family background. I am certain, however, that my unwavering passion to pursue a career in law as well as my ability to balance that passion with all of my other responsibilities would make me a highly successful student at ABC Law Center.




I don't like this paragraph.....at all. I recommend taking it out entirely and replacing it with a paragraph about your strengths, not your weaknesses.




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