Personal Statement - Please Share Thoughts

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:11 pm

Personal Statement - Please Share Thoughts

Postby cincygal » Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:24 pm

Please be critical and share your thoughts. Thank you all so much for help!

I wandered the galaxy with Arthur Dent, relaxed on the river with Huck Finn, learned Japanese from Miss Happiness and Miss Flower and dashed through the fields with Laura Ingalls. These adventures made up my childhood and adulthood. I lived in a world of books where I could learn the best way to vagabond through the universe, the history of our country, the sordid escapades of the Hell’s Angels and the words of great leaders.

My family traveled frequently due to my dad’s military career, and days on the road meant hours of stories. Instead of days filled with television, my parents encouraged me to read an eclectic abundance of literature. As I grew older, my interests began to delve into the lives of the past and present: Winston Churchill, Ronald Regan, Hunter S. Thompson, Sonny Barger, Ayn Rand, Walter Williams and Jennifer Lancaster. Further, my reading interests became more engaged in current events, blogs and politics. Reading cultivated my unique imagination, creativity, passion for learning, deductive reasoning and overwhelming intellectual curiosity. It was this passion for learning that led me to an interest in law.

My first interaction with law began at LSR while working as a liaison between the firm’s attorneys and clients. I was successful in this position and was promoted after just four weeks. I adapted flawlessly to the pace of the firm, relished the long hours, trained new employees and volunteered for new projects. In recognizing my accomplishments, the firm gave me the responsibility to create a department to research and develop a system to handle a new realm of files for our foremost client. It was in coordinating this project that strengthened my interest in law. I took pleasure in researching state legalities, differentiating between the types of pleadings, conferring with local counsel and analyzing client documents. Following the setup of this assignment, I worked to obtain more experience on the legal side rather than the client side of the firm. I was further promoted to the Caseload Paralegal team. I became the youngest person to be hired on to this team, and the only member still to be working towards an undergraduate degree. I was extremely honored and humbled to be elevated to this position, and I strived enthusiastically to advance my skills.

Over the past three years, I have been preparing pleadings, reading through cases, understanding the Kentucky civil legal system and adapting to shifting mortgage and bankruptcy laws. In this field, I am excited to apply the skills I garnered from my childhood reading into a professional career. I hope to further develop my attention to detail, analytical reasoning and passion for learning by attending XX school. I believe that my strong work ethic, persistence to succeed, leadership and resilience will positively impact your XX school and the community as a whole. I have demonstrated these characteristics through my dedication and involvement in Kappa Delta Sorority, my time as Vice President of the Northern Kentucky University Student Government Association and working to financially support myself from a young age. I believe my abilities and experience have cultivated me into a successful, ambitious and creative young woman which will only continue to progress.

bee's vision
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Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 11:36 pm

Re: Personal Statement - Please Share Thoughts

Postby bee's vision » Wed Feb 02, 2011 4:03 am

that first paragraph has got to go. The rest of your essay is much stronger, the opening is just gimmicky fluff, IMO, and doesn't really fit with the rest of the essay.

"overwhelming intellectual curiosity / unique imagination" I don't know what it is but the wording here turns me off. maybe it sounds too smug?

"eclectic abundance of literature" samething here, too wordy.

"adapted flawlessly"--really?

Still, I really like the 3rd paragraph. I think that's the real meat of your essay. If it were me i would just scrap the whole reading literature bit as it sounds a little forced and cliche and just expand this paragraph into the essay as a personal narrative. Talk about how hard it was to juggle work and school, maybe talk about the project you directed in more detail so you don't have to say things like "I believe that my strong work ethic, persistence to succeed, leadership and resilience will positively impact your XX school and the community as a whole", show don't tell.

Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:11 pm

Re: Personal Statement - Please Share Thoughts

Postby cincygal » Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:42 pm

Thank you bee's vision for critically reviewing my first draft! If you need any reviews, please pm me.

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Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:23 am

Re: Personal Statement - Please Share Thoughts

Postby tdottoker » Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:14 pm

+1 with everything bees said. Esp adapted flawlessly and intellectual curiousity. First paragraph is very weak and the second one seems slightly less weak. I would like to see more specifics on your past work or the experiences you talk about. A lot of people have similar experiences but why is yours so special? How do you add to the class diversity? Overwall well done though! :)

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