Anyone willing to read my first draft?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Mel003
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:55 am

Anyone willing to read my first draft?

Postby Mel003 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:32 pm

:) Thanks for the feedback you all
Last edited by Mel003 on Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

bee's vision
Posts: 62
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 11:36 pm

Re: Anyone willing to read my first draft?

Postby bee's vision » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:23 pm

"presume my interest" -- this makes no sense, maybe you meant resume learning? why not just say continue studying?

"challenges that I have prevailed make "- have overcome?


"helping people find justice." I would take this out, too cliche

There's a lot of grammar issues but that's understandable considering english is your second language, i find it kind of charming actually. As for the narrative, i would talk more about your experiences in the Business Law association and volunteering and what you learned and how far you've come since not even knowing the language.

Mel003
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:55 am

Re: Anyone willing to read my first draft?

Postby Mel003 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:34 pm

:lol: Thank you for your feedback
Last edited by Mel003 on Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Anyone willing to read my first draft?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:37 pm

Critique sent via PM.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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vanwinkle
Posts: 9740
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:02 am

Re: Anyone willing to read my first draft?

Postby vanwinkle » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:54 pm

Attention OP:

"Do not like the critisism. Please remove it." is not a valid use of the report feature. Please stop misusing it. If you ask for criticism here, you should expect to receive it.




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