2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

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vttran9
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2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby vttran9 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:00 pm

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Last edited by vttran9 on Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:42 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Hopeful_Me
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby Hopeful_Me » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:24 pm

Seems like you have a really interesting story, so make it a little more interesting! You have not lead the life of most law students. You had to fight to get here and you need to show that you appreciate where you have landed. Get a little more personal, don't make huge sweeping generalizations about examining your undergraduate experience, just tell your story. You have a really nice style and flow now just make it about you and not like you're writing a cover letter. I'm not sure about the Chemistry intro or if your medical undergrad really flows seamlessly. You might also want to leave the part off about waitressing because i'm not sure what it adds and lots of us out there have waited tables and it seems like you're dismissing it a bit. Overall though you have told a really beautiful story and I know you will be an awesome lawyer! Go you!

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vttran9
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby vttran9 » Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:18 am

Thanks for the feedback! :D

Danteshek
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby Danteshek » Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:19 am

That PS is about 3X too long

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vanwinkle
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby vanwinkle » Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:28 am

Danteshek wrote:That PS is about 3X too long

Holy damn, yeah. I spaced out to nearly 5 pages formatted properly.

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vttran9
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby vttran9 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:02 pm

Revised. Any feedback is appreciated!

Danteshek
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby Danteshek » Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:10 pm

Still terrible. Not only is it 2 times too long (why didn't you listen to me last time?), it has nothing to do with you wanting to become a lawyer. I'm sorry, but having a child at 19 is not an "accomplishment" and has nothing to do with your future legal career, assuming you even get that far. Also, it is poorly written. I suggest you read Elements of Style (Strunk) cover to cover, and consult the Chicago Manual of Style.

sparty99
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby sparty99 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:39 pm

I thought it was a really good essay up to the point where you talk about your son being diagnosed and how he could only wear a diaper.....None of this really needs to be told. This is about YOU, not your son.

Perhaps at this point, you start talking about your future, not your past.

When I read the first three paragraphs I thought, "she can handle the workload of law school" based on what she's gone through. I would edit your last paragraphs and better explain why you're interested in law or something about YOU. You need to go back to discussing YOU. I have no idea what you should write, but I'd keep everything until you start talking about your son's diagnosis.

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Hopeful_Me
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Re: 2nd draft any help is greatly appreciated

Postby Hopeful_Me » Tue Feb 22, 2011 12:09 pm

Danteshek wrote:Still terrible. Not only is it 2 times too long (why didn't you listen to me last time?), it has nothing to do with you wanting to become a lawyer. I'm sorry, but having a child at 19 is not an "accomplishment" and has nothing to do with your future legal career, assuming you even get that far. Also, it is poorly written. I suggest you read Elements of Style (Strunk) cover to cover, and consult the Chicago Manual of Style.



You are seriously a terrible person.




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