I would appreciate your comments on my PS

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I would appreciate your comments on my PS

Postby cmdcmd » Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:05 am

Last edited by cmdcmd on Wed May 29, 2013 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: I would appreciate your comments on my PS

Postby rebexness » Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:08 am

Last edited by rebexness on Thu Nov 13, 2014 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: I would appreciate your comments on my PS

Postby LSATclincher » Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:20 pm

This needs a total rewrite. I stopped reading half-way, and skimmed the rest. The debate thing won't work; it appears many applicants share this experience. Your writing style was mature, but quite boring. The race stuff seemed pretty awkward.

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Re: I would appreciate your comments on my PS

Postby cmraider » Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:03 pm

Full Disclosure: I'm applying to law school for the first time this cycle, so I'm pretty new to whole PS stuff. However, I do have a journalism degree with experience in newspapers, public relations and advertising, for what it's worth.

I cared deeply about ideas from a young age. I credit that largely to the influence of my mother, who was a graduate student in theology for much of my childhood. She always took my questions about her coursework, reading and research seriously, and through her I had the chance to engage with texts and questions that, while they frequently exceeded my understanding, never failed to excite my intellectual curiosity.
Hate to be harsh, but after reading your first sentence, I stopped reading. It's bland, generic and cliche. Also, and this is a highly subjective personal preference, I would try to make the opening paragraph present tense.
It was that feeling of excitement that made competing in policy debate and studying philosophy so important to me. Both opened up new landscapes of discourse, forcing me to confront thinkers and worldviews I would never have otherwise encountered. Both allowed meto hone my talents for analysis and refutation. Those kinds of personal development had mattered to me for a long timeThis sentence is redundant.. What drew me originally and most viscerallytry putting the adverbs before the verb (drew) to debate and philosophy, however, was not precisely the opportunity for intellectual enrichment. It was the opportunity for intellectual play. Those pursuits were arenas for a particular kind of game, one where authors and arguments took the place of dice and cards and where winning was about cleverness, elegance of argument and eloquence. When I joined the debate team in high school, I knew I had found my niche. When I matriculated at **********, it was with absolute certainty that I would graduate as a philosophy major. The games I played with language for eight years awarded me competitive success, a sense of identity - and they were incredible, exhilarating fun.
In my junior year of college, however, my attitude towards these activitiescomma to which I had devoted so much of myselfcomma began to change. The catalyst was a fellow student of mine named ***********. He joined the debate team and became my partner, but he passionatehis passion about arguments and ideaswere very different than towhat I was familiar with; he had a deep commitment to anti-racist workthis sentence is a bit long-winded. In our rounds, he didn't want to talk about the finer points of the relationship of ethanol subsidies to food prices, the relative merits of carrots and sticks in the United States' diplomatic approach to Iran, or any of the other arcane issues around which our debates usually swirled. Rather, he was part of a controversial movement in intercollegiate policy debate that challenged the norms of the debate community itselfredundant and accused it of systematically excluding people of color.
I threw myself into the fray alongside him, joining ********* in arguing, weekend after weekendcomma at tournaments up and down the East Coast, that our community privileged certain (white) ways of speaking above others, that it denigrated the importance of lived experiences (especially those of people of color) in favor of a myopic focus on academic literature, and that these and other practices restricted access to the activity in a fundamentally unjust and racist wayrun-on sentence. It is not mere coincidence, after all, that intercollegiate debate is much, much whiter than the larger undergraduate population. I found myself arguing on behalf of something that immediately touched the lives of people I cared about: my longtime friends, educators, colleagues and rivals in the debate community. I was clashing with opponents over the functioning of institutions we all were deeply committed to, institutions which our words affected in a direct way. The games I had played with fine words about policy, ethics and equity stopped feeling like mere games. I saw myself, for the first time, as an advocate.
That experience of genuine advocacy, of using language to contest injustice and agitate for real change, is at the core of my motivation to study law. Working as a paralegal for most of the last year in a practice centered around consumer bankruptcy and family law, I've had the opportunity to see how important it is for people who are pressed to their limits and pushed to the marginseliminate one of the phrases. You're saying the same thing twice. to have someone to speak on their behalf. At their best, lawyers and the legal system constrain violence and injustice with reason. They protect the vulnerable with the written and spoken word. Those are tasks to which I believe my talents are well suited and to which I passionately wish to devote myself.

I understand what you're trying to do with the parallel sentences, but you can accomplish it more effectively with better diction. Also, try to use some synonyms for "games," because you use that word too much.

Hope this helps.

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