1st Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Berdman
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Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:52 am

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Last edited by Berdman on Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:05 am, edited 3 times in total.

rebexness
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Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby rebexness » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:06 am

Last edited by rebexness on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Berdman
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Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:11 am

My intention was to include a paragraph outlining their program and how i'd fit in/improve it (word limits pending). But thank you for bringing this to my attention and for your quick response.

rebexness
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Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby rebexness » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:18 am

Last edited by rebexness on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HBK
Posts: 493
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:29 pm

Re: 1st Draft

Postby HBK » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:34 am

I would avoid writing about your fraternity's squabbles, but that's just me.

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JazzOne
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Re: 1st Draft

Postby JazzOne » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:36 am

HBK wrote:I would avoid writing about your fraternity's squabbles, but that's just me.

I didn't read the PS, but this sounds like solid advice.

Berdman
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:46 am

@ Rebex. Thank you that was exactly the direction i was heading.

@Jazz and HBK. I agree with you and was hesitant to write about it at first, but I feel it adequately depicts an obstacle overcome along with an unwavering commitment to success. I'll consider taking out actions that seem trivial as I can see it causing an adcom to roll his eyes. Thank you for your feedback.

HBK
Posts: 493
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:29 pm

Re: 1st Draft

Postby HBK » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:55 am

Berdman wrote:@ Rebex. Thank you that was exactly the direction i was heading.

@Jazz and HBK. I agree with you and was hesitant to write about it at first, but I feel it adequately depicts an obstacle overcome along with an unwavering commitment to success. I'll consider taking out actions that seem trivial as I can see it causing an adcom to roll his eyes. Thank you for your feedback.


I guess it's because I'd been out of undergrad for a while, but someone writing about their fraternity is like an adult talking about their golf club. It's regarding a social group- one that is polarizing. There's really no substance there. Had your fraternity dissolved, nothing would have happened. You would have gone on with your life and your friends would have gone on with theirs. In fact, your friend that you kicked out might still be talking to you.

If you want to go ahead with this theme, focus more on how the experience affected you, and less about how you saved the fraternity.

Berdman
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Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:59 am

@HBK

That is an extremely valid point, and I think a better direction. Thank you.

adude
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:41 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby adude » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:12 am

the glaring lack of accountability and structure served as red flags for improvement

"lack" is singular, but it is equated with a plural noun "flags" instead of singular "flag"

I am not even sure if that technically makes this sentence incorrect. Still, I think it sounds better if you say "glaring lack . . . served as a red flag"

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Plan2008 » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:22 am

Ill pay pal you 10 bucks if you can slip a fourth person calling you an idiot in there.

Berdman
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:32 am

@ adude thank you. Good catch.

@Plan2008 lol, you make a good point. I think when i started I had a vision of incorporating it differently, but it comes out sounding silly in its current form. Thank you

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: 1st Draft

Postby LSATclincher » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:58 pm

This was an immature PS, and almost an insult to me. You seemed to take this opportunity and make it into a joke about your frat life. I know this wasn't your intention, but that's how it comes across. This needs a whole new direction. Write in a confident, mature tone. Discuss some meaningful, personal experiences in your life. Law school is serious business. And being an attorney is very serious--people essentially put their lives in your hands. You need to convey you are prepared to enter into this commitment.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 1st Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:26 pm

"Without wavering", not "Without waiving"

"over whom"

I enjoyed reading your essay. To which MBA programs are you applying ?

Berdman
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Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:50 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Berdman » Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:38 pm

It is still a rough first draft, but I really appreciate the criticism. LSATclincher, I appreciate your honesty. There is a level of immaturity as I read through it now. I know there is something great here though. I think a different approach would better convey my message and prove to admissions that I belong in law school.

@Canadian thank you for your corrections. I see how it can read as an MBA hopeful, but it was a truly rewarding leadership experience. I think a better tie in to law school would be helpful.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: 1st Draft

Postby Plan2008 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:53 am

HBK wrote:
Berdman wrote:@ Rebex. Thank you that was exactly the direction i was heading.

@Jazz and HBK. I agree with you and was hesitant to write about it at first, but I feel it adequately depicts an obstacle overcome along with an unwavering commitment to success. I'll consider taking out actions that seem trivial as I can see it causing an adcom to roll his eyes. Thank you for your feedback.


I guess it's because I'd been out of undergrad for a while, but someone writing about their fraternity is like an adult talking about their golf club. It's regarding a social group- one that is polarizing. There's really no substance there. Had your fraternity dissolved, nothing would have happened. You would have gone on with your life and your friends would have gone on with theirs. In fact, your friend that you kicked out might still be talking to you.

If you want to go ahead with this theme, focus more on how the experience affected you, and less about how you saved the fraternity.


I won the father daughter tournament at my golf club. Can I write about that?

HBK
Posts: 493
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:29 pm

Re: 1st Draft

Postby HBK » Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:12 am

Plan2008 wrote:
HBK wrote:
Berdman wrote:@ Rebex. Thank you that was exactly the direction i was heading.

@Jazz and HBK. I agree with you and was hesitant to write about it at first, but I feel it adequately depicts an obstacle overcome along with an unwavering commitment to success. I'll consider taking out actions that seem trivial as I can see it causing an adcom to roll his eyes. Thank you for your feedback.


I guess it's because I'd been out of undergrad for a while, but someone writing about their fraternity is like an adult talking about their golf club. It's regarding a social group- one that is polarizing. There's really no substance there. Had your fraternity dissolved, nothing would have happened. You would have gone on with your life and your friends would have gone on with theirs. In fact, your friend that you kicked out might still be talking to you.

If you want to go ahead with this theme, focus more on how the experience affected you, and less about how you saved the fraternity.


I won the father daughter tournament at my golf club. Can I write about that?


Did you make any of the other daughters cry? This is important.




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