Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
greenfairy
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:22 pm

Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby greenfairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 3:57 pm

I got some great tips on my first couple paragraphs on this board, so I look forward to your critiques on the rest of my PS. I can't say how much I appreciate you all taking the time to read this and help me out. Thank you!

Coming into the sanctuary of air conditioning from her playpen that was bathed in the blaring Southwest sun, Fuzzy knew I had a treat in the way that only a rabbit can. Despite the loss of mobility in her hind legs, Fuzzy always quickly scooted into sight when she sensed a cheerio or craisin was near. Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, Fuzzy always occupied a special place in my heart due to her inexhaustible spirit in the face of her physical disability.

Spending a summer working at the largest no-kill animal shelter in the country, Best Friends Animal Sanctuary is a paradise for animal lovers like myself. But caring for animals like Fuzzy, whose health care had been severely neglected in the past, and seeing the dogs that have been slowly rehabilitating after being brutally tortured at the hands of the barbarous and sadistic Michael Vick , served as a stark reminder that the most vulnerable of beings have no legal recourse when abused or mistreated.

Helping animals with Best Friends, Minnesota Companion Rabbit Society, and the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center have all been very rewarding experiences, but I would like to work toward more permanent changes in animal welfare. Attorneys involved with groups like the Animal Legal Defense Fund, one of the most effective animal law organizations in the world, epitomize the type of cases I hope to be involved with one day. ALDF v. Woodley, for example, not only saved three-hundred dogs from a hoarding situation so horrific that the dogs were forced to live in small, dark crates filled with their own defecation for their entire lives, but set a legal precedent in allowing parties to intervene in animal cruelty cases in North Carolina. This high-profile case demonstrates that it is possible to use the law to make monumental and necessary changes in animal welfare.

If admitted, I know that (law school)’s nationally renowned (environmental, clinical, etc.) program will help me to gain the competitive edge I will need in order to work for an organization like the Animal Legal Defense Fund or anywhere that will support my devotion to animal rights. Animal law is a quickly-growing field in the legal world, and it is my feeling that now is a pivotal time to continue this necessary growth. I want for nothing more than to be able to spend my career doing this heart-wrenching work in whatever capacity I am able. Whether I work for a large corporation helping them adhere to environmental regulations, advocate for wildlife with a nonprofit organization, or help an American Indian tribe fight for their rightful resources and thus maintain an environmentally respectful way of life, I know I will be working toward a better world for all of its human and non-human inhabitants alike.

rebexness
Posts: 4163
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby rebexness » Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:13 pm

Last edited by rebexness on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:42 pm

Not as good as your prior draft. Delete Michael Vick's name since you are campaigning against these type of actions & not against that particular person. "Barbarous & sadistic" should describe actions, not a person. Use your prior draft. Just add a few select adjectives to let the reader sense your passion.

greenfairy
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:22 pm

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby greenfairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 5:04 pm

CanadianWolf, are you referring to the first two paragraphs I previously posted? Sorry I am just confused as to exactly what you mean.

SigBab
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:45 pm

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby SigBab » Sat Jan 29, 2011 6:58 pm

All I have to offer is grammatical stuffeth/opinions. As for the content, I think it's pretty good. :)


greenfairy wrote:I got some great tips on my first couple paragraphs on this board, so I look forward to your critiques on the rest of my PS. I can't say how much I appreciate you all taking the time to read this and help me out. Thank you!

Coming into the sanctuary of air conditioning from her playpen that was bathed in the blaring Southwest sun, Fuzzy knew I had a treat in the way that only a rabbit can. Despite the loss of mobility in her hind legs, Fuzzy always quickly scooted into sight when she sensed a cheerio or craisin was near. Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, Fuzzy always occupied a special place in my heart due to her inexhaustible spirit in the face of her physical disability.

Spending a summer working at the largest no-kill animal shelter in the country, Best Friends Animal Sanctuary is a paradise for animal lovers like myself. (this doesn't make any sense. "Spending" has no subject--perhaps, "Spending...I found that Best Friends Animal...) But caring (read this sentence as well--I can't find a subject for "caring") for animals like Fuzzy, whose health care had been severely neglected in the past, and seeing (same as "caring") the dogs that have been slowly rehabilitating after being brutally tortured at the hands of the barbarous and sadistic Michael Vick, served as a stark reminder (to me --this will fix the verb/subject issue) that the most vulnerable of beings have no legal recourse when abused or mistreated.

Helping animals with Best Friends, Minnesota Companion Rabbit Society, and the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center have all been very rewarding experiences, but I would like to work toward more permanent changes in animal welfare. Attorneys involved with groups like the Animal Legal Defense Fund, one of the most effective animal law organizations in the world, epitomize the type of cases I hope to be involved with (prepositions shouldn't END a phrase) one day. ALDF v. Woodley, for example, (I'd switch the order here and drop the second comma) not only saved three-hundred dogs from a hoarding situation so horrific that the dogs were forced to live in small, dark crates filled with their own defecation for their entire lives, but (it) set a legal precedent in allowing parties to intervene in animal cruelty cases in North Carolina. This high-profile case demonstrates that it is possible to use the law to make monumental and necessary changes in animal welfare.

If admitted, I know that (law school)’s nationally renowned (environmental, clinical, etc.) program will help me to gain the competitive edge I will need in order to work for an organization like the Animal Legal Defense Fund or anywhere that will support my devotion to animal rights. Animal law is a quickly-growing field in the legal world, and it is my feeling that now is a pivotal time to continue this necessary growth. I want for nothing more than to be able to spend my career doing this heart-wrenching work (this makes you sound like a martyr--it's perhaps too dramatic) in whatever capacity I am able. Whether I work for a large corporation helping them adhere to environmental regulations, advocate for wildlife with a nonprofit organization, or help an American Indian tribe fight for their rightful resources and thus maintain an environmentally respectful way of life, I know I will be working toward a better world for all of its human and non-human inhabitants alike.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby Plan2008 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:19 pm

greenfairy wrote:I got some great tips on my first couple paragraphs on this board, so I look forward to your critiques on the rest of my PS. I can't say how much I appreciate you all taking the time to read this and help me out. Thank you!

Coming into the sanctuary of air conditioning from her playpen that was bathed in the blaring Southwest sun, Fuzzy knew I had a treat in the way that only a rabbit can. Despite the loss of mobility in her hind legs, Fuzzy always quickly scooted into sight when she sensed a cheerio or craisin was near. Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, Fuzzy always occupied a special place in my heart due to her inexhaustible spirit in the face of her physical disability.

Spending a summer working at the largest no-kill animal shelter in the country, Best Friends Animal Sanctuary is a paradise for animal lovers like myself. But caring for animals like Fuzzy, whose health care had been severely neglected in the past, and seeing the dogs that have been slowly rehabilitating after being brutally tortured at the sadistic hands of the barbarous and sadisticMichael Vick ,served as a stark reminder that the most vulnerable of beings have no legal recourse when abused or mistreated.

Helping animals with Best Friends, Minnesota Companion Rabbit Society, and the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center have all been very rewarding experiences, but I would like Having worked passionately to help animals at places like BF, MCRS, and WRC, I am taking the next step to work toward more permanent changes in animal welfare. Attorneys involved with groups like theAdvocates at places like Animal Legal Defense Fund, one of the most effective animal law organizations in the world, epitomize the type of cases I hope to be involved with one day. are dramatically improving animal welfare and setting legal precedent with cases like ALDF v. Woodley.for example,which not only saved three-hundred dogs from spending their entire lives a hoarding situation so horrific that the dogs were forced to lives in small, dark crates filled with their own defecation for their entire lives, but set a legal precedent in allowing parties to intervene in animal cruelty cases in North Carolina. This high-profile case demonstrates that it is possible gives me hope that I will be able to use the law to make monumental and necessary changes in animal welfare.

Something like this, cut the flattery and find some real red meat: In researching your program, I found that you offer.....(fill in the blank). This background/training/exposure/whatever will enhance my skills and prospects, so that I may pursue my passion and
If admitted, I know that (law school)’s nationally renowned (environmental, clinical, etc.) program will help me to gain the competitive edge I will need in order to work for an organization like the Animal Legal Defense Fund or anywhere that will support exercise my devotion to animal rights. At this pivotal time in the fast growing field of Animal law is a quickly-growing field in the legal world, and it is my feeling that now is a pivotal time to continue this necessary growth. I want for nothing more than to be able to spend my career doing seek the opportunity to do this heart-wrenching work in whatever capacity I am able. Whether I work for a large corporation helping them adhere to environmental regulations, advocate for wildlife with a nonprofit organization, or help an American Indian tribe fightfor to defend their rightful resources and thus maintain an environmentally respectful way of life, I know I will be working toward a better world for all of its human and non-human inhabitants alike.


You need to drop the passive voice and come through stronger. Sigbab says it. Spending can be the subject, but it is a weak and passive voice. "Spending is paradise" is passive. Active Voice would be like "I derived great reward working my summers at places like BF, but found caring for...."

Take out the "If admitted" stuff. Assume you will be admitted, now tell the story as if you are explaining to someone why you chose to go there.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby Plan2008 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:29 pm

Also, American Indian = Native American.

greenfairy
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:22 pm

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby greenfairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:35 pm

Wow, thanks guys. Plan2008, I completely agree with all of your revisions. It's like I'm reading a new, much improved statement. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby Plan2008 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:42 pm

greenfairy wrote:
Swiftly scooting from her sun-baked playpen into the air-conditioned sanctuary, Coming into the sanctuary of air conditioning from her playpen that was bathed in the blaring Southwest sun, Fuzzy knew I had a treat in the way that only a rabbit can. Despite the loss of mobility in her hind legs, Fuzzy always quickly scooted into sightwas never deterred when she sensed a cheerio or craisin was near. Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, Fuzzy always occupied a special place in my heart due to her inexhaustible indefatigable? spirit in the face of her physical disability.



Maybe a slight change to P1.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby Plan2008 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:02 pm

Plan2008 wrote:
greenfairy wrote:
Swiftly scooting from her sun-baked playpen into the air-conditioned sanctuary, Coming into the sanctuary of air conditioning from her playpen that was bathed in the blaring Southwest sun, Fuzzy knew I had a treat in the way that only a rabbit can. Despite the loss of mobility in her hind legs, Fuzzy always quickly scooted into sightwas never deterred when she sensed a cheerio or craisin was near. Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, Fuzzy always occupied a special place in my heart due to her inexhaustible indefatigable? spirit in the face of her physical disability.



Maybe a slight change to P1.

Now I have to edit my own crap. :roll:

"Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits," is a misplaced modifier. It modified "I" (you), not Fuzzy. So the sentence needs to read: Despite being surrounded daily by three hundred and fifty cuddly rabbits, I reserved a special place in my heart for Fuzzy due to her...

greenfairy
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:22 pm

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby greenfairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:10 pm

A year ago I would have been appalled at anyone using the term "indian," but I've learned that most actually prefer "american indian" to "native american." Lewis and clark actually calls its program Indian Law.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby Plan2008 » Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:43 am

greenfairy wrote:A year ago I would have been appalled at anyone using the term "indian," but I've learned that most actually prefer "american indian" to "native american." Lewis and clark actually calls its program Indian Law.


I know! I have a close friend (Yale Law grad) who does pro bono for some tribes, and they say the same thing. Just not sure if every ADCOM knows it yet. :)

rebexness
Posts: 4163
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: Full PS- honest and emotional enough?

Postby rebexness » Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:25 am





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