Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby Bearlegdairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:32 am

I hope this isn't
Last edited by Bearlegdairy on Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby 2011Law » Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:29 pm

Bearlegdairy wrote: In one of its most famous decisions. the Supreme Court had


I guess you meant to put a comma, but I'm not sure you really need one.

I thought it was fine, didn't get the ra ra america vibe at all.


mind reading mine? sending it out by tonight.

viewtopic.php?f=18&t=145956

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:39 pm

This essay is akin to the peaks & valleys of an amusement park roller coaster ride. Seems as if you really aren't confident in your theme & that causes the theme to become a touch muddled & a bit confusing. While reading this personal statement, I wondered if you were trying too hard to show an intellectual ability that just isn't well thought out.
P.S. Could you explain the "twins humor " to me ?

SigBab
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:45 pm

Re: Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby SigBab » Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:39 pm

This was not done out of patriotism, something which I have never quite understood, but rather out of the sentiment that the character of my country reflected upon my own, and that it should be held to the same standards by which I measured myself.


I think hyphens are more appropriate here.

This was not done out of patriotism--something which I have never quite understood--but rather out of the sentiment that the character of my country reflected upon my own, and that it should be held to the same standards by which I measured myself.

But then, I question if the hyphenated content is even necessary. It might rub some readers the wrong way (not me, but you get my drift).
I'm not sure how I feel about the "funny" metaphors for the purposes of a statement (since it's constantly crammed down our throats that this is our job interview), but I certainly enjoyed reading it. :)

Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby Bearlegdairy » Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:32 pm

So... Should the comment about patriotism and the goofy metaphors stay in or no?

SigBab
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:45 pm

Re: Second draft. Hopefully better than the first.

Postby SigBab » Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:48 pm

Bearlegdairy wrote:So... Should the comment about patriotism and the goofy metaphors stay in or no?


In my opinion, the patriotism thing should go.

As for the metaphors...I don't know. Like I said, I enjoyed reading it, I'm just not certain that it's appropriate. I'd like to hear other peoples' opinions on that myself.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.