Final Draft of My PS.....MURDER IT PLEASE

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ladylegale
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Dec 04, 2010 8:31 am

Final Draft of My PS.....MURDER IT PLEASE

Postby ladylegale » Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:36 am

I think is the final draft of my PS. Most of the criticism I got from you guys on the 1st draft was on the fact that I didn't include anything about college in my statement. Like I have said before there isn't much to tell, but I added a couple paragraphs in the end and here's what I got. . . . . :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:

It was a calm morning on August 4th, 2005 when my mother sat on the edge of my bed to awaken me. In the most angelic voice, she whispered; “I’m so proud of you baby”. She quietly left the bedroom after those simple words. I continued to lie in bed, and reflect on her statement.

This was the morning I would embark on my senior year of high school. Until that moment, simply making it to senior year did not hold much significance in my eyes. I soon came to the realization that it meant the world to my mother. Several generations of women in my family did not make it that far. Just the fact that I made it to the ripe age of seventeen without; an unplanned pregnancy, an abusive relationship, or a drug addiction was an anomaly. Suddenly I became overwhelmed with a sense of hope for the future, and bolted out of the bed ready to make the best of senior year. Little did I know what tragedy lay ahead.

On the evening of August 28th, 2005 five car loads of family members showed up on the doorstep of my quaint little home in Southern Mississippi , with intentions of evacuating from New Orleans. My quiet family home was soon filled with over twenty people seeking food and shelter. Though I was aware of the hurricane warnings, I did not actually believe that the storm would cause enough damage to keep our houseguests around for more than a few days. I was horribly mistaken.

On the morning of August 29th, 2005 Hurricane Katrina turned my world upside down. Great winds ravaged the area, sending massive pine trees down on our home and our vehicles. I nervously listened to the radio, and heard devastating news about the happenings in New Orleans. Warm, salty tears poured from my eyes as I realized people were dying. I was not sure where most of my family was, or even if they were alive. My father was serving time in prison, and I had been refusing to visit him since I was thirteen. The thought that I might never have the chance see him again filled me with guilt. As Katrina wreaked havoc upon my hometown, I asked myself question after question. Will I be able to show my future children the houses that my parents grew up in? Could I take them to the church I was baptized in? Where is my past? During this time I sunk into a deep depression. I had no connections with the outside world. The phone lines where down. There was no electricity or hot water. There were over twenty people living in my home with absolutely no place to go.

Several weeks later when school reopened, I no longer had the same excitement about senior year. I had seen just how quickly dreams, aspirations, and lives could be snatched away. All of the sudden I wasn’t sure that the future was so bright.

My dejection led me to stop eating lunch in the school cafeteria, and I opted to pass the time in the band hall instead. One lunch period, I heard quiet sobs coming from the percussion room. When I peeked inside I noticed an unfamiliar face covered in tears. Something in me wanted to reach out to this stranger. Full of concern, I inquired on the reason for her distress. I listened attentively as she poured her heart out. Her name was Alexis, and her family lost their home in Hurricane Katrina. It was her first day at school, and she was deeply saddened about the idea of having to start over in a small town that she knew nothing about. The pain of the loss that she had endured, coupled with the shock of being in a new environment was quite overwhelming for her. At that point, I realized that my problems were trivial. That day Alexis and I had lunch in the cafeteria. I was her first friend in what to her was a strange land. She later admitted that though her friendship with me did not solve her problems, knowing she was not alone helped her to cope.

After my experience in the band hall with Alexis I firmly resolved to find a way to reach out to new students in her predicament. Our school inherited many students who were forced to move to the area due to devastation from Hurricane Katrina, and I was sure that many struggled with the same issues that Alexis did. With help from members of various school organizations, I started a welcoming committee. Every Monday morning we had breakfast with new students in the cafeteria. We gave them welcome cards, and informed them on upcoming events. My involvement in the welcoming of those students allowed me to realize that even the smallest efforts can make differences in people’s lives.

As a college student, my passion for reaching out to people grew tremendously. I eagerly involved myself in organizations that allowed me to be of service to others. I worked with the Girl Scouts of Western North Carolina to cultivate a sense self-confidence and independence in young girls. I later became involved in the Student Anti-Genocide Coalition, aimed at raising awareness to areas that have been plagued by genocide. I have also dedicated my time and resources to collecting school supplies for children in low income communities.

My participation in these service projects fueled a genuine interest in social issues. I became increasingly fascinated with the way governments work the meet the needs of the public. As a political science major, I have extensively studied the roles played by the government in dealing with individuals, communities, and businesses. Through my coursework in government and politics, I have come to realize that law touches every aspect of the society in which we live. I look forward to learning the laws that govern our nation, and using that knowledge to serve the public interest. Over the years, I have come to realize that there will always be hope for the future when we dedicate the present to being of service to others.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Final Draft of My PS.....MURDER IT PLEASE

Postby LSATclincher » Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:29 pm

This begins very well, then takes a turn for the worst. Cut out the mentioning of depression after Katrina. Also, reduce the anecdote of that story down to a few sentences. Here's a quick edit:

Several weeks later when school reopened, I entered my senior year with much skepticism. I had seen just how quickly dreams, aspirations, and lives could be snatched away. I began doubting myself. Then, one day, I met Alexis.

Alexis was a new student at my school. Her family lost their home in Hurricane Katrina. It was her first day at school, and she was deeply saddened about the idea of having to start over in an unfamiliar small town. The pain of the loss that she had endured, coupled with the shock of being in a new environment was quite overwhelming for her. At that point, I realized that my problems were trivial.

After my experience with Alexis, I firmly resolved to find a way to reach out to new students in her predicament. Our school inherited many students who were forced to move to the area due to devastation from Hurricane Katrina, and I was sure that many struggled with the same issues that Alexis did. With help from members of various school organizations, I started a welcoming committee. Every Monday morning we had breakfast with new students in the cafeteria. We gave them welcome cards, and informed them on upcoming events. My involvement in the welcoming of those students allowed me to realize that even the smallest efforts can make differences in people’s lives.


The conclusion is weak. After your remarkable life experience, you venture into your boring college career as a political science major. Out of the 2,000 applicants applying you your law school, I'd guess 1/2 share this experience. Forget your college career. End on a high note about how you experienced tragedy, tackled it head on, picked yourself up, and inspired others to do the same.

I'd be willing to review the final draft because this can be a PS that can push your app above your competition. It's a great story.




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