Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:27 pm

Not yet finished, goes a few lines over 2 pages and I think I need to have a stronger ending. Any help is appreciated, ask if you'd like mine for yours.

*****


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Last edited by 2011Law on Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:58 pm

shameless bump

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:16 pm

bump

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Flustercluck
Posts: 187
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2010 4:31 pm

Re: Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby Flustercluck » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:34 pm

I'm saying this to be helpful, not rude. You need to completely re-do this.

Your intro was good as I was ready to read a success story, but then everything seemed underwhelming if not downright depressing. Your effort is qualified in terms such as "disappointment," "not as well as I would have liked," "turnout started fading," "they had more important responsibilities elsewhere and would not attend meetings regularly, much less fight to keep the organization alive."

You basically spend four paragraphs that describe an endeavor in your own terms as something that "failed."

If you want to keep the idea, focus on successes: particular speakers you had and how they affected you, the atmosphere and what you accomplished/how many active members you had during the 08 election.

But even then, your essay reads like it would go towards an MPP or MPA program, not law. Law doesn't even enter into your statement until the LAST paragraph. It seriously feels like you just tacked it on at the end, and it's not tied strongly enough to the theme of your statement

I would recommend starting over completely. I know it's not what you want to hear, but this is the type of PS that could hurt you.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:35 pm

I wouldn't submit this. I thought it wasn't interesting enough to make it a full PS. Feel free to mention it in a few sentences, then move on. The fact that your mission failed, made it seem a bit awkward.

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: Critique Please; applying to 4 schools with 2/1 deadline

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:46 pm

Thanks for the advice.




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