Updated Draft: Cars

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Updated Draft: Cars

Postby RefleX » Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:01 pm

I completely rewrote my PS besides my intro paragraph, let me know what you think.

Prompt from RuLaw:

Please use the space below to submit a statement telling the Admissions Committee about yourself, your motivation for attending law school, and how you plan to use your legal education. Information about how your background and personal experiences bear on your professional goals is more useful to the committee than general statements of principle.


PS



For most people, a car is simply a way to travel from point A to point B. Little did I know, so naïve and directionless at the age of seventeen, that point B would represent the concept of law school and my future. My first car was a 2000 Lincoln LS, which I fell in love with the first day I saw it. I did my part in keeping it clean, but soon found that the conventional methods of car washing were not sufficient for my expectations. I spent the next few years devoting a large portion of my time to studying the art of auto detailing, expanding my knowledge of processes and chemical reactions. Family and friends began to wonder if I were actually losing my mind as I put countless hours, sometimes over ten per day without fatigue, into something that most people would have assumed that a drive-through car wash would have accomplished. My attention to detail and passion for perfection drove me to create my own flourishing small business at my shore house for two summers while in undergraduate studies.

My business plan differed from others when it came down to my goal. I noticed a lot of other businesses were engaging in cutthroat tactics that would either slander the competition or make their own process just slightly better to distinguish them from the crowd. To me, this seemed like flawed reasoning and I created my business model on the premise that I would put forth my best effort and let that be the determinant of where I actually stood. I knew from my years of experience that there are a lot of corners that can be cut with filler products. I knew that these smoke-and-mirror processes essentially equated to deception and dishonesty, which would reflect poorly on my character as well as my business. I had too much pride in my work and made a commitment to be completely honest to my customers.

Throughout the years I encountered many different situations ranging from different paint types, imperfections, stains and, for those with young children, messes that looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. Rather than using a single process to attack the problem, I spent a great deal of time applying different methods to see what worked best and what would cut down time and expense for the owner and for myself. I became very analytical in regards to these situations; it came to the point where I could identify an imperfection and instantly know the best way to approach the issue and the subsequent steps that would follow. Although my prices were a bit higher than my competitors, my value was unsurpassed. I was far more thorough, knowledgeable, and skilled than a vast majority of the other detailers who had been in the business for decades because I dared to break the mold in terms of the established business model and the textbook methods.

The result was a small but profitable business that grew throughout the years and held an esoteric clientele that really respected my work and were more than happy to pay the higher prices because they knew the value of my services far surpassed anything they had previously dealt with. I felt great about accomplishing my goals and putting my values into practice, but there was a definite void that hung over my head. I loved detailing, but it lacked the intellectual stimulation that I thrive on. I knew that my business would only be temporary and that I would need to find what I really wanted to do in life.
In retrospection, I thought about all my other life experiences and what else I was passionate about. I had taken a handful of classes in law and political philosophy, ranging from business law to legal systems. I was extremely interested in the ideas presented in the classroom. A lot of the fundamental ideas of my business seemed to correlate to law, especially the analytical methods and reasoning, and I knew that since law is so diverse that I would be able to fully exercise my skills as well as intellect. To add more fuel to the fire, being a typical teenager, I had been cited twice for speeding and had attended court to pay the fines. What most people would find as an obtrusion in everyday life, I found as reassurance of my future goals. I loved the professional attitude and the interworking of the court system, and was certain that being a lawyer is my life goal. I know that my past experiences have served as a guide to my true vocation. I plan on using my knowledge in business as an asset to my legal career and hope to make a profound impact on business and commercial law.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Updated Draft: Cars

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:46 pm

Right off the bat, the last para needs to be deleted. It seemed awkward and unnecessary. I'm not sure if this PS overall works. I admire your business, but you seem to convey an arrogant, cocky tone. You degrade your competition, and you praise your own accomplishments. The story is neat, but the tone is improper for this format. This is actually a minus statement that could hurt you at a school.

RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Updated Draft: Cars

Postby RefleX » Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:07 pm

I'm completely at a loss for what I should use for my PS. Everything I said was completely true, but I know where you are coming from. I'm trying to be confident but not an ass. I didn't think it'd be this hard for me to write a PS.

RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Updated Draft: Cars

Postby RefleX » Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:37 pm

Bump, I could REALLY use some more advice.

Plan2008
Posts: 71
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:18 am

Re: Updated Draft: Cars

Postby Plan2008 » Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:23 am

I like it. Just needs to be fixed. Cut out anything that could be construed as negative. No mention of competition, and don't uses phrases like "add fuel to the fire". Just say, in an extremely competitive field, I successfully built a business by exceeding expectations. I believed my offering spoke for itself. blah blah blah

I think your theme is good, focus on your passion, your attention to detail, your ability to innovate, and the respect of your clients for your work product.

Use the last paragraph to say, not that you need to do something different, but that these skills will serve you as a lawyer.

Dont give up on this PS, it differntiates you from most applicants that will only talk about justice and/or intellectual drive.

RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Updated Draft: Cars

Postby RefleX » Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:45 pm

I think instead of me "stumbling upon law", although that's how it did happen, I think I should just write how the skills I developed will help me in law school and talk about my passion for business. I'll try to be less cocky about it, but if you knew how much damn effort I put into making my business better you'd understand where I'm coming from. Thanks for the insight, if you have any other advice please let me know! I'm really stressed out right now over everything, my transcripts are STILL not into LSAC. Really really annoying. Thanks again.




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