Who's good with metaphors? can anyone help me wrap this up better. while not adding too many words (must be under 500)
A stubborn crown tearing through a pair of brand-new gloves at five-thirty in the morning is a bad omen. I knew this meant that by six o’clock, my jeans and chaps would be drenched in a mixture of pesticides, rotted fruit fragments, and the remnants of the last night’s rain. By then, before the sun was even up, a torn glove would be the least of my problems.
It was 2002: six months since my father died. One day he was leading our family; the next day he was gone. A brain aneurysm took him from us instantly. I was fourteen years old. My older brother was boarding at Kamehameha Schools, which left me to help my mother with my younger siblings at home on Maui. I picked pineapples 50 hours a week on summer days and washed dishes at a local diner on most evenings. I worked hard; my father taught me that.
We didn’t have it easy. In college, I discovered how many had it harder. I became spellbound by the hardships that others in the Native Hawaiian community continue to face. I heard stories about great Hawaiian leaders and activists such as George Helm, Nainoa Thompson, Haunani Kay Trask, and Queen Liliʻuokalani, who rose to do great things on their own accords. From their influence, I became increasingly active in demonstrations of Hawaiian rights, and my long-lasting passion for music evolved to performing primarily traditional Hawaiian songs.
From subsequent work experiences in public service and policy, I realized that my niche rested in my ability to condense complex ideas into fundamental points and succinctly communicate my message to the public. I honed my analytic thinking skills (Psychology) and broadened my ethical foundations (Political Science) through my studies and extra-curricular activities. Last year, my older brother and I became the first people on either side of our family to graduate from college.
Hawaiian leaders from the late 20th century spawned a movement through their zeal and steadfastness and laid down a solid foundation for future political and social engagement. Leaders can now focus on fostering intelligent and directly solution-oriented activism. I am a “radical”-at-heart, and feel at-home on the frontlines, but I recognize that upcoming generations call for this new type of activism. Analytic thinking and civil discourse will equate in importance to passionate demonstrations; change will be likely whenever these actions occur together. By pursuing the Native Hawaiian rights certificate that your institution exclusively offers, this is the type of activism I look to one day practice.
Throughout modern history, Native Hawaiians have worked towards the advancement of their culture despite having worn torn gloves. By applying a relevant legal education, I will strive to help them achieve justice. The University of Hawaiʻi, William S. Richardson School of Law is the ideal institution for me to obtain the skills to grow into the leader that I strive to be, and to make a positive contribution for the future of Hawaiʻi and the Native Hawaiian community—just as my father would have wanted me to.
(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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I agree you need a better conclusion. The throw in of the school is not good. I actually think your PS is so cultural, that incorporating "Why X law school" throughout the piece is a good idea. You shouldn't need to tweak this too much to do so. And then just conclude on a general note about why hawaii.
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