Critique please :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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BrooklynGirl
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:04 pm

Critique please :)

Postby BrooklynGirl » Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:08 pm

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Last edited by BrooklynGirl on Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Critique please :)

Postby mala2 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:20 am

BrooklynGirl wrote:The first memory I can recall comes from a time when I am around 3-4 years old. I come out of my room at night time after having fallen asleep, and come up to my mother who is in the living room. I tell her that I was so afraid that I couldn’t move or speak. She answers, promising that everything will be okay and leads me back to my room. Looking back now, I can only guess that the cause of my fear was more than likely a fight between my parents. DELETE


The living conditions in Saint Petersburg, Russia were far from livable and DELETE inthe aftermath of World War II were difficult. Faced with left the city DELETE with a swindling government, a declining economy, and a profound amount of DELETEantisemitism, When I was 5 years old, my parents and I moved to the United States with hopes of a better future.

The future that awaited us was not what I had hoped for. Within a couple of DELETE months of arriving DELETE here, my father announced that he DELETE met another woman. After their divorce, my mother hardly knew a word of English, which only allowed for her to DELETE had towork grueling hours and earn a DELETE atminimum wage income DELETE. just to survive. The remainder of my childhood consisted of living in a studio apartment with my mother DELETEher, an army of roaches, and a posse of mice.I don't really like the army and posse description, but that could be personal. I onlyhave two distinct memories from that time; (I think) watching cartoons every night until 12AM waiting for my mother to come home from work, and her telling me that if it wasn’t for me, DELETEshe would jump off a building.

Once I turned fourteen, I realized that if I wanted to do anything or get anything which required money, I needed to work. I began working full time at a local cell phone store, but the hours took a toll on my grades. Once I was accepted into -- College, I made the decision to quit my job and focus all of my attention on my education, even if it meant that daily lunch and dinner, new clothes, and going out with friends were no longer going to be aspects of my life. I attribute my new found determination to an article I had read that analyzed statistics pertaining to children growing up to resemble their parents in regard to their socioeconomic status, “The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” DELETE As if to dig this notion further into me, my mother told me that being a secretary would be a good career choice for me. This allowed realize tha DELETE I realized that if I ever wanted to achieve for DELETE my dreams and become successful in life DELETE- measures of success are variable and you don't want to offend anyone or sound like you're disrespecting your mother, I had to take the reins of my life and steer myself in the right direction DELETE redundant .

I’ve always loved learning, and I was excited to discover my niche in lifebe working towards my goals. Unfortunately, the last month of my first semester of college my mother lost her job. She needed me to find a job to help with the rent. I founda full time position as a secretary at a --office. Due to the hours I had to work, I ended up withdrawing from some classes, and failing the rest which I had stayed in because I did not want to quit (or something like that) I was automatically put on academic probation. For the next three semesters I was limited to taking six credits each term, until I raised my GPA to over a 2.0, which I did. After doing so DELETE Soonmy mother having obtained DELETE founda job which allowed me to quit mine, andI was finally DELETE able to excel in my courses.

I am now heading into my last semester of college. I have missed out on important milestones in the average student'slife, such as participating in extracurricular activities and studying abroad during my undergraduate studies DELETE redundant . I have always had a desire to volunteer and help others who may be in similar or worse circumstances than me. My need to work did not allow me time to do so in the past, but I am determined to help others in a similar situationin the future. Although the road to where I am now was a long and bumpy one, it’s made me a strong and ambitious person DELETE This is clear, but stating it is cliched and doesn't sound genuine. I am confident that I will succeed in law school because I am very determined. I ama hard worker, and Ihave a passion for reading, writing, and learning. My goal is to defy the statement which says that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree too cliched. you can have the same message without using the saying. In my opinion it sounds as if you're not respecting your momMy goal is to defy the odds that a child is likely to have the same future as it's parents /color] and to seize opportunities which my parents did not have the chance to strive for. Admission to this law school would allow me to pursue my dreams, and show myself as well as my mother, that the hardships she went through for me were well worth it.



[color=#FF0040]Please let me know if there is anything I should take out(maybe a bit too morbid?), add, or any other comments you may have. Thank you!



While there are some grammar and theme issues, overall I like your statement. It comes off as genuine and authentic. Where are you applying? What was your final semesters GPA and your LSAT? if you work on technical issues, I think you should apply a lot of places. By the way I love Brooklyn:)

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Critique please :)

Postby mala2 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:21 am

It's hard to edit on here. If you pm me and email me I'll do it in word. Please do as much as you can before.




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