Lets try this again...Please help on PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
drmguy
Posts: 1016
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:43 am

Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby drmguy » Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:42 pm

Thanks...
Last edited by drmguy on Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
drmguy
Posts: 1016
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:43 am

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby drmguy » Mon Jan 24, 2011 10:18 pm

Anybody?

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby mala2 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:47 am

It's fairly well written. If you have good numbers I don't think it will hurt you. It's a good story. Honestly it's a little cliched but it could be worse. Please delete this line "I find it surprising how life can change in an instant." Really? people get blown up or run over in an instant all the time. it sucks but it's not really surprising. Overall not a memorable ps, but it's good. If mine were this good right now I would just turn it in.

User avatar
drmguy
Posts: 1016
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:43 am

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby drmguy » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:31 am

How do I make it more memorable?

elsam1980
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:26 pm

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby elsam1980 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:52 am

I think it's a bit cliched too and a bit vague in parts where it needs to be more specific.
Cliche part:
Starting with the story and with such a pseudo-literary first sentence does not appear to be a good idea. I have "seen" many admissions deans/officers actually refer to this particular structure as a bad idea: starting with a story and ending with some platitude-like remarks to tie it all together. And I am calling it platitudes because they kind of are, right? Fragility of life, living in the now, valuing the moment: things we hear all the time, right? They are great sentiments of course, but unfortunately popular discourse has made them cliches. Also, why are they important for your success as a law student and as a lawyer?
Specificity:
the best paragraph to me is the one where you talk about your professor and your budding interest in law. But all you show from that is that something about it interested you while it repulsed others. Why? What was it that interested you?
Also: why is the paragraph about what you did for the organization important? I mean, duh, I see what you did sounds very cool, but how you integrate it in the rest of the statement should/could be better. The last sentence as a transition/justification for why it's in there is not enough, I think.
Overall:
Try to think about how everything goes together. What does fragility of life have to do with analytical skills and dedication and what does all of that have to do with your interest in your professor's anecdotes? I think the point here is to not list your qualities, but to create some connection between them culminating in some "thesis" or "point" about why you want to go to law school and would be good at it.
This is just my personal and I guess you can say professional opinion--I teach argumentative writing at a university. Nonetheless, this is a complicated genre and you gotta do what feels right. Good luck!

ryanw5520
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2011 12:52 pm

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby ryanw5520 » Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:32 am

I don't want to discredit the drama of your experience, however you lead the reader to infer that as you sit in camp after damn near losing your life, you're thinking about studying law! Try to merge the conquest on the mountain with your other academic conquest, it seems as if the mountain story is there to state why you thought of law and that's it. There is no analogy, or other linguistic connection between the two and because of that the drama sounds simply like boastmanship. Did you ever climb again? Your last sentance seems to imply that you're giving up climbing for studying law, lame! Tell'em how you got back out there, even if your starting small, that is much more respectful then giving up. Overall there is too much self-gloss and it lacks a little humility. It seems as if your MT story is trying to provide the dose of humility, however humility is best understood from recognizing failure, and like you said if you failed you wouldn't have been able to write this. Think about your greatest fuck up that you recovered from or made amends to and try to weazel that in somewhere.

Specifics:
Para 5, last sentance - I don't see how an experience can "provide" you with dedication.
Para 4, last sentance - change to "it became the area of study I was most interested in". Otherwise I ask interesting to who?
Otherwise have a professional review for punctuation, I noticed you lacked a few commas.
Good Luck, LSAT? LSDAS GPA?
Look me up and check out my updated PS, it's my third draft, let me know what you think. It will also show the edge I'm rocking which will provide a little context for my advice.

User avatar
drmguy
Posts: 1016
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:43 am

Re: Lets try this again...Please help on PS

Postby drmguy » Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:19 am

I still climb today. Should I mention how I didn't let it defeat me?

Actually my intention was to have it connected to the organization experience more so than the thinking of law so i will try to make that more explicit.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.