Offering Full Line Edits

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:40 pm

daydreamer


My mother smiled weakly at me in an effort to portray a strong and confident image, but I could tell she was as scared as I was. She reluctantly left the room as the nurses finished prepping me for surgery. I lay there in my hospital bed motionless, staring aimlessly into space. I could not close my eyes; the image of my mother and her tear-filled eyes was seemingly etched into onto the back backs of my eyelids. [The metaphor goes without saying.] A few days earlier, an MRI scan had revealed a cancerous tumor growing from and constricting my spinal cord. I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma (comma) and the surgery for which I was scheduled was an attempt to remove or reduce the tumor.

When I woke from surgery, I was in a haze from the large amounts of pain medication, but Iwas conscious enough to be overwhelmed with joy; I had made it through. The happiness, however, quickly dissipated as I realized that I was bedridden — I could not walk, stand, or even feel my legs. It was during this time of personal crisis that I received inspiration from an unlikely source, (replace comma with colon) my bedside neighbor. His name was Albert, a 72-year-old, seasoned veteran in of his own battle with cancer. When I asked him what kept him going, he told me, “Life is short and I have too much to live for." Albert’s ethos, although not a novel one, gave me new perspective; it gave me new hope. Cancer was a major setback, but I was determined not to let it hijack my life. From then on, Albert was my number one fan, and I was his. After countless hours of physical therapy, I gradually regained the ability to walk with the aid of a walker. I was able to make it to the door of my hospital room as Albert watched proudly from his bed, smiling and cheering me on the whole way. Although he was practically a stranger, Albert helped me understand and appreciate the true meaning of perseverance and its rewards. I finished up my physical therapy, chemotherapy, and radiation treatment my sophomore year of college andIhave been cancer-free ever since.

While I was in the hospital, I met people filled with hope and faith, but oftentimes behind these those outward displays of strength, (delete comma) there lurked feelings of fear and worry. I listened to them as they talked about how they had to mortgage their homes to finance their medical debt. My own medical bills amounted to over $225,000, but I was fortunate enough to have comprehensive health insurance. I empathized with them because their situation easily could have been my own. [Consider a paragraph break here.]
I returned to my undergraduate studies with a yearning to find purpose. During my business ethics and business law courses, I learned more about the problems that complicate our healthcare system. Elizabeth Warren’s book The Two-Income Trap, in particular, aroused and defined my desire to go to law school. In her book, she discusses the effect of an unanticipated event, such as a serious illness, on the financials of middle-income families. The result of such an event is devastating, even if the family had health insurance at the onset of their medical problems. As I did more research, I realized that many of those who were involved in either exposing or attempting to fix the problems of our healthcare system came from law-related backgrounds. I recognized that knowledge of the law and legal system is a powerful tool that can be used to affect effect change. ["bring about" is a unique usage]

Albert’s ability to inspire and support has also had a substantial effect on me. When I was in the hospital, I had no idea of how to deal with my situation, but Albert used his knowledge and experience to help me get move beyond the effects of cancer. I aspire to do for others what he did for me; I want to be able to guide people through hardship. The families that I talked to were faced with the toughest times of their lives, but they had lawyers to help navigate them through difficult legal processes such as bankruptcy and appeals to health insurance coverage denials. I am drawn to the law profession because advocacy is its very foundation.

Fighting and overcoming cancer at a young age has given me the wisdom and courage to boldly pursue my passions with confidence. Six rounds of chemotherapy, eight weeks of radiation, and a river of sweat and tears have transformed me: Through my experiences, I have achieved clarity through hardship; perspective and ambition through adversity. One of my aspirations is to have a meaningful impact on others and to better the world. [These are actually TWO of your aspirations. If you want to keep "one," perhaps something like "One of my aspirations is to better the world by having a meaningful impact on others."] While this is my dream, I am not exclusively a dreamer; (replace semicolon with colon) I am also a realist. I know that making a substantial difference in the world requires many factors, many of which are well beyond my control. However, much like cancer was out of my control, I will not be deterred by difficult odds. [The presence of forces outside one's control does not necessarily indicate difficult odds. In the cases of meaningful impact and beating cancer, they happen to be powerful, negative forces, so they DO result in bad odds, but you're still making a slightly tangential jump. Perhaps there are some forces outside your control that are on your side. It just feels out of place.] If I am able to advocate and provide support for those in need, then I will be satisfied. It is after deep personal reflection that I believe that the law profession is aptly aligned with my interests, aptitudes, and ambitions.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby Moomoo2u » Tue Aug 23, 2011 4:46 pm

.
Last edited by Moomoo2u on Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:20 pm, edited 9 times in total.

bkred
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby bkred » Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:58 pm

Could you look over my PS when you have the time? You could cut the stuff in blue if you feel it is too long. Thanks in advance. :D
Last edited by bkred on Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:37 pm

bkred



For my first day at my new job, I was told to expect a light day of orientation and a night of heavy drinking. As one of 120 new employees at the company, I was extremely excited, and I vowed to leave a good first impression by drinking more than everyone else. I came into work at 7 in the morning a.m., and as soon as I was but after being introduced to my division director, I realized that drinking was not on today’s the day's agenda. Mr. Choi, the Vice President, completely skipped the pleasantries (comma) and asked me whether I was proficient in English. I told him said yes, and he immediately declared that I was on the Project Omega team. I had no idea what Project Omega was, but I knew it was of the highest priority, as I was soon swamped with various orders from senior associates.

I did not get home until 2 am a.m. that day the following morning. I had anticipated beforehand [redundant] that I would be working long hours in the Investment Banking Division, but I hadn’t expected that a 19 hour workday would kick off my professional career. I was completely exhausted, butI wasalso exhilarated with the project I had been assigned. Before going to bed, I reviewed my assignment: I would have to become proficient in business English to translate formal documents, master Microsoft Excel, and learn financial modeling to assist in the valuation process. And I would have to do all of these tasks quickly.

It was undeniably overwhelming, for a rookie straight out of college with no background in finance, to be involved in such a mammoth transaction. I knew that my superiors weren’t going to overlook my mistakes and be understanding just because of my lack of experience. Not inexperience -- not with hundreds of million dollars at stake. [The double hyphen is supposed to be an em dash, but I don't know how to make one here.] The knowledge of the daunting task ahead was intimidating enough to keep me awake that night. However, I also relished the challenge (comma) and felt extremely fortunate to have such a huge opportunity.

Over the next several months, I worked on the Project Omega team, representing Dongwon Corporation as the financial advisor in their acquisition of Starkist from Delmonte. It was truly a tremendous learning experience. Beyond the countless hours of translating documents and analyzing financial statements, I had the opportunity to participate in meetings, conference calls, and negotiations. I met top executives, performed due diligence, and even visited Delmonte’s home office in San Francisco.

What helped me through the challenging process was not only my determination to learn and to succeed, but also my strong ability to adapt quickly to all types of situations. It is an attribute that I acquired naturally through all my years living abroad. My father, a banker, was transferred to the his bank’s New Jersey branch when I was eight, and since then, (delete comma) meeting new people and adjusting to new environments have been the recurring themes in my life. ["the recurring themes of my life" / "the recurring themes in my life"] For various reasons, my family moved a lot, and I was forced to attend ten different schools across the United States, Canada, China, and Korea before graduating from high school. It seemed that I was always the new kid at school. I hated that feeling of being a stranger, so I would make an extra effort to fit in. And just when I would become fully adjusted to and maybe even popular at the school, I would have to move and repeat the process at another school. It was definitely not easy, but it gradually became second nature for me to walk into a new setting, introduce myself to complete strangers, and fit in. As a result, I grew to enjoy facing new challenges and putting in the effort to overcome them.

Along the way, I also acquired valuable communication skills. From all my interactions with people from all over across the globe, I learned to get my point across in a concise and comprehensible manner. This skill was crucial for me when I was scheduling meetings, taking notes, and sending out status updates to other members of the team. [To answer your question regarding whether you should include this paragraph: I vote drop it. The highlighted blue, the point of the paragraph, basically boils down to "solid communication skills," which is not very impressive alongside the rest of the PS. I think the paragraph is a bit of a dud.]

When the transaction was officially completed, I felt a tremendous sense of achievement. I felt that I had I gained the confidence that I could to work competently with top professionals from all over the world. [Merge these two paragraphs.] On the final day of the project That night, the whole team had a wild night of celebration, and then went back to work the next day, looking for the next big deal. I also went back to work, looking for the next big challenge.

bkred
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby bkred » Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:55 pm

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate it.

nucky thompson
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby nucky thompson » Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:40 pm

picking a topic and developing it is hard enough - by the time a draft is finished it is nearly impossible (for me at least) to properly edit, i read right past mistakes. CGI offers fresh eyes and perspective through the full line edit service, I am very thankful.
Last edited by nucky thompson on Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:00 am

nucky thompson


Throughout my life my parents have owned and operated a small trucking and site development construction company. There have been benefits associated, certainly, but there have also been sacrifices; altogether this fact has played a, both of which have played defining roles in the person I have become. Growing up, working for the family business was always in The Plan. "the plan." Formal education took a backseat to hands on hands-on experience. My father always told me that if I wanted to run the company, I would have to learn it from the ground up. By high school, [delete comma] I was working as a manual laborer on construction sites during the summers. The work was grueling[comma] but I came to appreciate what the experience had to offer. My future seemed so stable, so defined, that I never considered what I would do if the family business no longer existedceased to exist.


One night my mother called my brother and I into the kitchen, [replace comma with semicolon] she looked serious. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. She explained that a project manager, heading a multi-million dollar job, neglected to track or follow paper work procedure related to bid modifications. The work was done, the materials were bought[comma] and the employees were paid, but without proper documentation and invoicing, the costs associated with the additional work could not be billed out. By the time anyone noticed, cash flow was constricted immensely. My mother explained that things were tight[comma] and that we should be prepared for the worst.


The next morning was sweltering hot. I was ripping up old asphalt with a pickaxe, sweating profusely. While engaging in the mindless, backbreaking work[comma] I had my first and only life-changing epiphany. What would I do with my life if there were no family business? What transferable skill sets had I acquired? Would I be able to support myself with only a high school diploma? The deeper the introspection got, the more I realized I was far too dependent on what my parents had to offer. I decided I would to make more for myself.


Once back to school that fall, I met with Mr. ^^^^, my guidance counselor, to see if I had any options for college. Knowing that I would satisfy the first-generation college student requirement, Mr. ^^^^ mentioned the ^^^^ ^^^^ Scholarship program as a viable possibility. The program offers minority college applicants from ^^^^ a chance to prove their ability during a six week summer session filled with leadership seminars and prerequisite courses. Students that excel in the summer program are admitted into the University. Excited for a clean academic slate and a chance to take control of my future, I seized the opportunity.


I vividly remember the feeling of trepidation sitting in the first class. I had no intellectual confidence. I kept wondering if I was smart enough to even be there. I knew the only way to find out was by diligently applying myself. My GPA that summer was nearly double that of what it was in high school. Through the program I realized I was more than capable[comma] so long as I was motivated to learn and grow. Once fully acclimated to the educational grind I strove towards toward [using the “s” is British standard; the most common formal usage in the U.S. is without the s] and expected A’s in every class[comma] and it eventually came true.


I have always been fascinated by and curious of about the world around me. I focused my undergraduate studies in social sciences[comma] not only to better understand my environment, but also to prepare me for a future in law. Law is intriguing to me because of the way it both shapes, and is shaped by the society in which we live. The summer following sophomore year of college I had a chance to experience first hand firsthand how law and society interact through an internship at the Public Defender’s office in ^^^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^. Observing and participating in the judicial proceedings of the ^^^^ ^^^^ Court solidified my desire to pursue the study of law.


At first[comma] attending law school was nothing more than an idea. It was how I responded when people asked me about my new plan. Over the course of my undergraduate career I have progressed both academically and personally. I have discovered a sincere passion for learning and I am driven to achieve my goals. I appreciate the chance to do it at your law school. [individualize each law school when sending out apps]

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Dany
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby Dany » Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:20 am

Procrastinating packing - saw a few more things.

CGI Fridays wrote:One night my mother called my brother and I me into the kitchen,


CGI Fridays wrote:The next morning was swelteringly hot.

(or just sweltering - as is, it says "The next morning was oppressively hot hot."


CGI Fridays wrote:I kept wondering if I was even smart enough to even be there.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Thu Sep 01, 2011 2:29 pm

Nice catches. Thankya, dear.




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