Offering Full Line Edits

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:08 am

getitdone wrote:dude im trying to say u suck, and ur service is garbage.

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

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Knock
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby Knock » Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:11 am

I had CGI give me a line edit on my Yale 250, and he did an excellent job, helping me put the finishing touches on my essay with some insightful commentary. For the record, I have not been accepted to Yale. Thanks CGI!

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby crumpetsandtea » Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:34 pm

Wow, took me a lot longer than expected. Ended up revamping the whole thing. Plz use as critical of an eye as possible, I'd rather be sad about this draft than send in some shitty PS. (: thank you for doing this, CGI!!!!

Edit - gone <3
Last edited by crumpetsandtea on Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:44 pm

No problemo, crumpets. You're on for Tuesday.

Thanks for the feedback, Knock!

starsmiles
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby starsmiles » Sun Jan 30, 2011 8:15 pm

Hey CGI, SO I just realized, I didn't ask you 5:00pm where? Anyways, its only 4:00 pm where I am, so here it goes. The second paragraph is the one that worries me most, so could you be super-critical about that? I'd appreciate any honest, critical feedback, on all of it. :) Thanks for doing this, I really appreciate it.

- Star

P.S.: Are you supposed to indent the paragraphs for a PS? Just want to make sure :)
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

He sacrifices his dream job, the house he built brick-by-brick, and his duty to his aging parents. She sacrifices familiarity, security, and the only way of life she has known. They fly across the seven seas, to a world full of strangers who speak an alien language. He rises before the sun, walks for miles in the -35 degree winter, and works 14-hour days. She adjusts to a new way of life, struggles to rejoin the workplace after 15 years, and attempts to build a new home from scratch. He is a father, she, a mother. And I am their child; the child for whom they have struggled, toiled and laboured. All in an attempt to give me a good education, a safe place to grow up, and the chance at a better future. I am 13 when I land at XXX Airport, leaving behind all that I have known, for a new world full of uncertainties. I am confused, scared, and angry. ‘Why?’ is the only question that runs through my mind. “Because a good education is your best weapon,” is their answer. And it is with this answer in mind that I begin my life in XXX, determined to make sure that their sacrifice has not been for naught.

My thirst for knowledge has always been a great companion, always eager to lead me to new waters, to test them, and to learn how to swim across. With my faithful friend, and my determination to make my parents proud, I spend the next five years learning all that I can, trying my best, and doing my best. And soon I find myself crossing the first bridge, graduating high-school with XXX status and an admission to XXX University. And once again I stumble upon a whole new world, full of new avenues waiting to be explored; my thirst for knowledge is reawakened. At XXXU, I explore the many different paths that I can walk, taking classes in Psychology, Criminology, Women’s Studies, Philosophy, and many other disciplines. It is through this exploration that I discover the world of Psychology and Criminology, and I decide to pursue a Joint Major in the two disciplines, eager to absorb all the knowledge they have to offer.

Today, in the last term of my Bachelor’s degree, I can finally appreciate my parents’ answer: my education IS my best weapon. It has opened my eyes to a world of opportunities, and taught me so much more than I thought possible. It has allowed me to learn, to understand, and to excel in the world of academia. As an undergraduate, I have received numerous academic scholarships including the XXX Scholarship, XXX Scholarships, and the XXX Scholarship. In addition, I have also maintained my standing on the XXX Honour Roll throughout my time at XXXU, and have recently had the honour of earning a position on the XXX Honour Roll. My time at XXX has been truly invaluable; it has taught me how to think critically, to communicate proficiently, and to integrate theory with practise. In essence, it has equipped me with the tools that will help me carve that better future my parents wanted for me.

But this education has not been limited to the classroom. My experiences outside of the classroom have also been invaluable. My experience with the XXX Program, for instance, has been incredible, because it has allowed me to contribute in a small but significant way to XXXU’s community. As a Mentor, I have been a guide, a teacher, and a friend; assisting new students adjust to a new country, a new language, and a new learning environment. My involvement with this program has helped me develop a deeper appreciation for the cultural diversity around the world, and has allowed me to use my knowledge and experience to help students who are enduring a set of circumstances I am not unfamiliar with. Similarly, my employment experience with the XXX has also taught me much about the world. It has helped me understand and appreciate the XXX’s culture, and all the wonderful things this country has to offer. It has strengthened my understanding of the world and has helped me embrace the diversity of viewpoints it has to offer. My education, volunteer work and my employment experience have all helped solidify my desire to learn, and to continue learning. These amazing and diverse experiences have helped me understand that what started out as a journey to reward my parents’ sacrifice has evolved into a voyage to discover myself, to make a difference in the world, and to fuel my passion for learning.

And it is this passion for learning that has led to me consider obtaining a legal education, because the field of law demands continued learning. The law is constantly evolving, and thus, the study of law always has something new to offer. The University of XXX is particularly appealing to me because it embraces the diversity of perspectives that encompass our world. The diversity of courses and the distinguished faculty members at XXX offer endless possibilities to learn. The opportunity to partake in the MMM program is also thoroughly tempting because it offers a point of intersection of theoretical and practical legal knowledge. And therefore, I believe that my appreciation for diverse perspectives, my need to continue learning, and my desire to use my knowledge to make a difference in the world will be a perfect fit to the study of law.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:48 am

starsmiles wrote:Hey CGI, SO I just realized, I didn't ask you 5:00pm where? Anyways, its only 4:00 pm where I am, so here it goes. The second paragraph is the one that worries me most, so could you be super-critical about that? I'd appreciate any honest, critical feedback, on all of it. :) Thanks for doing this, I really appreciate it.

- Star

P.S.: Are you supposed to indent the paragraphs for a PS? Just want to make sure :)

Haha, remember the part where you weren't gonna publicize my promising that it'd be done by a certain time?
::waves fist halfheartedly::

Sounds like you're on the west coast; I'm Eastern US. So, you're lookin' at 2, not 5.
Also, yes def indent.

ocplaytime
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby ocplaytime » Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:57 pm

Been working with CGI for about the past month now. His editing service is top-notch from my experience with him. I had professional editors look over my statements and even they didn't pick up on some of the stuff CGI did. Sent several payments to him via paypal and everything was done on time, if not earlier. Would definitely recommend him to anyone needing those extra touches ASAP.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:30 pm

starsmiles

[Bear in mind that many edits are optional suggestions.]

He sacrifices his dream job, the house he built brick-by-brick, and his duty to his aging parents. She sacrifices familiarity, security, and the only way of life she has ever known. They fly across the seven seas, to a world full of strangers who speak an alien language tongue. He rises before the sun, walks for miles in the -35(hyphen)degree winter air, and works 14-hour days. She adjusts to a new way of life, struggles to rejoin the workplace after 15 years, and attempts to build a new home from scratch. He is a father, [replace comma with semi-colon] she, a mother. [No, "she, a mother" is not an independent clause, nor is it a list, but a semi-colon can also form a bond between two statements, especially for contrast.] And I am their child; the child for whom they have struggled, toiled and laboured. [I'd replace this period with a comma] all in an attempt to give me a good education, a safe place to grow up, and the chance at a better future. [The semi-colon at the beginning of this sentence is dispensable, especially if you decide to go with a semi-colon in the sentence before & don't want back-to-back semi-colon sentences. If picking one, I think the first one gives you more mileage.]

[I would start a new paragraph here. You go from vague, rootless temporal references to "Ok I'm 13. That was background & now I'm startin' my story. Listen up."] I am 13 when I land at XXX Airport, leaving behind all that I have known, (drop comma) for a new world full of filled with uncertainties. [Earlier you had a world "full of" strangers. Might as well mix it up to "filled with" uncertainties. Also, try "uncertainty" and see if you like it better.] I am confused, scared, and angry. ‘Why?’ is the only question that runs through my mind. [Replace with normal quotation marks. "Why?"] “Because a good education is your best weapon,” is their answer. [This is slightly ambiguous. Can't hurt to replace it with "reply my parents."] And it is with this answer in mind that I begin my life in XXX, determined to make sure that their sacrifice has not been for naught.
[This present tense is awkward throughout the paragraph. You're wording it like a story in the past tense, but forcing present tense terms. You don't need to pull it off. That would require changing your whole tone, which is fine. I suggest just moving to past tense.]

My thirst for knowledge has always been a great companion, always eager to lead me to new waters, to test them, and to learn how to swim across. With my this faithful friend, and my determination to make my parents proud, I spend the next five years learning all that I can, trying my best hardest, and doing my best. [double "best"] And Soon I find myself crossing the first bridge, graduating high-school with XXX status and an admission to XXX University. [replace period with a comma] And once again I stumble stumbling upon a whole new world, full of new avenues waiting to be explored; my thirst for knowledge is reawakened. [You opened this paragraph by saying it's "always" been a great companion, so when did it fall asleep? You went straight from high school to UG.] At XXXU, I explore the many different paths that I can walk, taking classes in Psychology, Criminology, Women’s Studies, Philosophy, and many other disciplines. It is through this exploration that I discover the worlds of Psychology and Criminology, and I decide to pursue a Joint Major in the two disciplines, eager to absorb all the knowledge they have to offer.
[You tried turning this into an epic tale... ...you went to college. Everyone applying to law school went to college. I advise toning it down. Also, you've used the word "world" a lot already. Maybe switch up one or two.] [And definitely replace all present tense words with past tense ones. If you can do that without changing the flow at all (and you can here), you probably should.]

[The rest of the essay obviously works in present tense. So, 1st paragraph present, 2nd & 3rd past, the rest present.]
Today, in the last term of my Bachelor’s degree, I can finally appreciate my parents’ answer: my education IS my best weapon. [Bachelor's degrees aren't broken into terms or semesters; they're pieces of paper. You wouldn't say "the last semester of my Master's degree," you'd say "the last semester of my Master's program." You could say "Today, in the last term before attaining my Bachelor's degree."] It has opened my eyes to a world of opportunities, and taught me so much more than I thought possible. It has allowed me to learn, to understand, and to excel in the world of academia. [Your subject is "education"... "Education has allowed me to learn, to understand, and to excel in the world of academia"... that sentence is rather circular. At the very least it's not saying anything of interest. I'd drop it.] As an undergraduate, I have received numerous academic scholarships including the XXX Scholarship, XXX Scholarships, and the XXX Scholarship. In addition, I have also maintained my standing on the XXX Honour Roll throughout my time at XXXU, and have recently had the honour of earning earned a position on the XXX Honour Roll. My time at XXX has been truly invaluable; it has taught me how to think critically, to communicate proficiently, and to integrate theory with practise practice. ["Practise" isn't "wrong," but it's British. Might as well switch. Also same thing with "honour roll," unless your school spells it that way.] In essence, it has equipped me with the tools that will help me carve that better future my parents wanted for me.

But this education has not been limited to the classroom. My experiences outside of the classroom have also been invaluable. [Redundant.] My experience with the XXX Program, for instance, has been incredible, because it has allowed me to contribute in a small but significant way to XXXU’s community. [If possible, be more specific.] As a Mentor, I have been a guide, a teacher, and a friend; assisting helping new students adjust to a new country, a new language, and a new learning environment. [If you want to keep "assisting": "assisting new students with adjusting"] My involvement with this program has helped me develop a deeper appreciation for the cultural diversity around the world, and has allowed me to use my knowledge and experience to help students who are enduring a set of circumstances that I am not unfamiliar with. Similarly, my employment experience with the XXX has also taught me much about the world. It has helped me understand and appreciate the XXX’s culture, and all the wonderful things this country has to offer. It has strengthened my understanding of the world and has helped me embrace the diversity of viewpoints it has to offer. My education, volunteer work and my employment experience have all helped solidify my desire to learn, and to continue learning. These amazing and diverse experiences have helped me understand that what started out as a journey to reward my parents’ sacrifice has evolved into a voyage to discover myself, to make a difference in the world, and to fuel my passion for learning. [This sentence is extremely cheesy. I advise cutting it.]

And it is this passion for learning that has led to me consider obtaining a legal education, because the field of law demands continued learning. [This passion for learning could have led you to ANY professional degree. They all demand continued learning.] The law is constantly evolving, and thus, the study of law always has something new to offer. [The vast majority (if not all) of professional fields are evolving, and thus have something new to offer.] The University of XXX is particularly appealing to me because it embraces the diversity of perspectives that encompass our world. The diversity variety of courses and the distinguished faculty members at XXX offer endless possibilities to learn. [Eliminated the double "diversity."] The opportunity to partake in the MMM program is also thoroughly very tempting (comma) because it offers a point of an intersection of theoretical and practical legal knowledge. And therefore, I believe that my appreciation for diverse perspectives, my need to continue learning, and my desire to use my knowledge to make a difference in the world will be a perfect fit to the study of law.

[I think you could benefit from some broader suggestions than I'm offering here. One thing that stands out is your last paragraph. You go for the "why law?" question, but your answer could literally just as easily apply to any professional degree.]
Last edited by CGI Fridays on Mon Jan 31, 2011 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:31 pm

Thanks so much for the feedback, oc!

starsmiles
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby starsmiles » Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:01 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you! :) Your feedback is truly appreciated. I've just made the necessary changes, and will be sending it off in a few minutes.

Thanks for taking the time to help me out, I really do appreciate this.

Star

P.S.: I was talking about submitting it on here by 5:00, not getting a reply from you! :P Sorry! Should have been more clear. Either way, you rock! (Sending an ehug). :D

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:11 pm

crumpetsandtea

deleted per request
Last edited by CGI Fridays on Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:12 pm

Glad you found this helpful, starsmiles. Good luck to ya!

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:54 am

CGI you rock!!! Thank you! <3 :mrgreen:

Edit to add --

I hate to ask this, but...do you mind deleting the quoted text of my PS? Sorry to be a pest and make you do it ): I already made all the changes you suggested and I just don't like having my PS floating around TLS XP THANK YOU in advance (:

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:44 pm

Glad to be a help, crumpets.

I deleted the text of your PS. There are a number of reasons I'd prefer that the edited versions remain posted, but since you were the first to ask I made an exception.

Good luck with the cycle!

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby crumpetsandtea » Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:57 pm

CGI Fridays wrote:Glad to be a help, crumpets.

I deleted the text of your PS. There are a number of reasons I'd prefer that the edited versions remain posted, but since you were the first to ask I made an exception.

Good luck with the cycle!


Thanks CGI, that means a lot! I only ask because I'm not applying till this fall, so I don't want my PS to have been floating on TLS for a whole year before I apply, hahaha! If I was applying this cycle I wouldn't mind so much.

cincygal
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby cincygal » Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:17 pm

CGI, thank you so much for editing and giving your thoughts on my PS. Your comments were extremely helpful! Finally, thanks for working so quickly!

guyindfw
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby guyindfw » Mon Feb 14, 2011 1:06 am

Thank you CGI for editing my essay and providing insightful comments. Your suggestions were very helpful.

DarkPhantom
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby DarkPhantom » Tue Feb 15, 2011 9:53 pm

I'd like to thank CGI - his edits really give you a great perspective on your PS in addition to all the wonderful help on TLS. Very cheap too!

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby vttran9 » Thu Feb 17, 2011 3:29 pm

CGI helped me edit my paper. He is very detailed with the changes he suggests so you know exactly what is wrong and why. He responded through email very quickly so I had No trouble submitting my essay in time. This is the go to guy if you want to make sure your essay is perfect. Thanks for all your help!

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby ilove_toshop » Sat Mar 12, 2011 5:33 pm

This service was great! My PS is so much better now after having things pointed out that I never would have noticed. Thanks CGI! Highly recommend!

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby Paraflam » Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:07 pm

I have been working with CGI this past weekend on a PS that I needed to finish by Monday. He has been super quick in getting back to me knowing that I'm in a time crunch. I'm extremely happy with his editing and advice as to how to expand on certain parts of my PS. He noticed things I never would have myself, and I now feel much better about submitting it with my app. Easily the best $30 I have spent, thanks so much CGI!!

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Sun Aug 21, 2011 7:15 am

Thanks all, for the feedback!
Bumping this 'cause I've decided to pick it up for the current cycle.

thederangedwang
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby thederangedwang » Sun Aug 21, 2011 9:30 pm

...
Last edited by thederangedwang on Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

daydreamer
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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby daydreamer » Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:46 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by daydreamer on Thu Aug 25, 2011 9:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Offering Full Line Edits

Postby CGI Fridays » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:21 pm

thederangedwang

It seemed a bit long, so I pasted to Word and formatted. It went over 2 pages by a solid paragraph. I'm not sure how close it'll get after my suggested cuts, but try to get there by cutting, rather than being creative with formatting.
Good luck!




For the first fourteen years of my life, [delete comma] I thought that Patrick and Pat were interchangeable names. After all, people would often call me Patrick, so why not the opposite? [What you're saying is understandable, but the literal opposite of "people calling you Patrick" is not "people calling someone else Pat who is actually named Patrick." Perhaps replace with the less specific, less technical "the other way around"] This all changed in 2004 when I played in a tennis tournament with Patrick Smith, the top ranked player in my home state of New Jersey. Although we had never met, we knew of each other. A week before the tournament [comma] the computerized ranking system had confused our names and, as a result, we had briefly switched positions. I took his spot at the top while he dropped down to my ranking of around 100.

Thinking that the ranking confusion would be a good icebreaker, my dad suggested that I introduce myself to Patrick so that I could gain valuable tennis insight. I took his advice. [Replace period with colon] before my first match, I coolly strolled up to Patrick and innocently asked, “Hey, you must be Pat, right?” His smile froze and his body tensed, an icy complexion replacing the serenity that had existed there mere moments ago. [1) Cheesy. 2) Redundant: "smile froze"/"icy complexion replacing" --- "body tensed"/replacing the serenity"] I should have realized my mistake and seen the avalanche that I had started, but years of people calling me Patrick instead of Pat had blinded me to the danger of the vice versa. [ 1) There is no need to remind your reader about your Pat/Patrick ignorance. You opened the PS with it, and this is obviously the moment when it comes into play. 2) There's no reason you could have expected an avalanche. No reasonable person would get pissy for you getting her/his name wrong, especially if a computer mixup is in play.] I waited patiently and obliviously for his reply. His words hit me with unexpected force, [replace comma with colon] “I am not Pat, I am Patrick. Pat Smith sucks, I am ten times better than him.”

I remember little after that moment. I do recall feeling surprised, angry, and embarrassed. I also remember clinging to the feeble and ultimately futile karmic hope that I would win my second-round match so that I could defeat Patrick in the final round of the tournament. But most of all, I remember what my dad said to me after I told him what happened: “You do need to work on your tennis.”

Initially, I was put off by my dad’s statement. How could he take Patrick’s side instead of mine? But I soon came to appreciate his message. No matter how much I hoped to become a great tennis player, wishes alone would not be enough. Hopes and wishes had to be backed up by action. [You can accomplish this with less repetition. Also, hopes AND wishes are a bit redundant. Maybe something like "No matter how much I hoped to become a great tennis player, hope alone would not be enough -- it had to backed up by action."] Patrick and I may have changed swapped/traded rankings for a week, but no mere computer glitch could switch our tennis skills. I had to develop my own skills through training. To step out from Patrick’s shadow, Pat needed to step up.

The next few years of my life revolved around tennis. I started spending two, three, and finally four hours a day practicing. Unable to afford to train training at local indoor clubs, winter nor’easters threatened to extinguish my progress. ["Halt" your progress? "Cripple" your progress? Sure, you would lose a lot of what you gained, but not 100%. Your progress wouldn't technically be extinguished.] Fierce winds and horizontal snow would crack my hands, sting my eyes, and freeze tennis balls into inelastic spheres of ice. Instead of settling for an abbreviated tennis season, I moved to Florida. The heat of the Sunshine State soon fanned my flame as I hit the courts, hit the balls, and hit my hot streak. [Pretty cheesy. "Hit the balls"? Perhaps tone down a bit to something like "...as I hit the courts and a hot streak."] My performance improved and so did my results. [Redundant along with the following sentence.] I ultimately won the state 4A individual title for my high school and achieved a top 100 national and top 10 state ranking. [Double "and"... slightly awkward. Perhaps something like "I ultimately won the state 4A individual title for my high school, as well as achieving personal rankings in the top 100 nationally and top 10 statewide."

The motivations behind my training have since diversified and matured. Although While driven at first by fire, I am now guided by light; the light of a personal faith, an individual creed to train and work not for the sake of being better than somebody else, but as a way to improve myself and reach my true potential. When I decided again to move again, this time to Texas to play for ____ University’s Division I tennis team, my light broadened and brightened. [I strongly recommend replacing the commas surrounding "this time... team" with em dashes.] My time working as a part of a greater whole has taught me the values of unity, teamwork, and shared sacrifice. My light no longer shines just to light my own path. My path is no longer lit by just my own light. [Awkward and pretty darn cheesy. Plus it's redundant, 'cause you're basically just defining "unity, teamwork, and shared sacrifice" in a poetic manner.]

Tennis has carried me across the country, from the frozen hills of New Jersey to the fiery plains of the South; [replace semicolon with comma] but I have carried tennis beyond the lines. [Beyond the lines of the court? If so, replace with "the court."] The lessons learned from that formative encounter with Patrick, and from countless hours of training, I have kept and applied elsewhere. Whether it is finishing a paper on international maritime law, preparing my opening argument for debate class, or conducting public-policy research and internships, these are the lessons and motivations that I bring carry as I now seek to return to the North. Though blizzards may once again obscure my view and chill the air, I am confident in my ability to navigate these obstacles. [Fluff.]

One of the first agility drills that I learned as a tennis player is called a thousand steps[replace with standard quotation marks]. Aptly named, it trains one to take many small adjustment steps in preparation for hitting a perfect stroke. Tennis has continually forced me to adjust[comma] and I am in a better position because of it–not just on the court, but in life. [You have a hyphen where you want an em dash (double length). I advise putting spaces around it, but that's optional.] Tennis has taught me the values of hard work and preparation, of patience and consistency, of what it means to be Pat. Now, as a prospective law student, I look forward to bringing these qualities to a different kind of court. I have learned that those who keep their eyes on the prize ultimately fail to reach it since they are not keeping their eyes on the ball. I am on the ball. I am ready to take a thousand steps. I am ready for the challenges ahead.




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