FINAL DRAFT

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

FINAL DRAFT

Postby lawgirl10 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:49 pm

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Last edited by lawgirl10 on Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby lawgirl10 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 6:12 pm

anyone?

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby 2011Law » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:04 pm

Before leaving for college, I suffered an incredibly painful loss. The aftermath was the most difficult to deal with.


I would mention briefly the nature of the relationship to the person who passed on, maybe like: "Before leaving for college, a close friend/ specific family member died from ______.

Overall I thought it was pretty good.

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LawSuccess
Posts: 45
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:48 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby LawSuccess » Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:04 pm

Had same question about who you were referring to with the loss.

Also, I would add "mandatory" before "community service hours" for emphasis.

I enjoyed the statement.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:36 pm

I disagree with the above two posts' suggestions of adding the word "mandatory" and expounding upon your loss as I find the subtlety in the current version much more appealing, mature & less distracting.
Overall this is a well written & effective personal statement containing several minor errors. For example, surround "like Janelle" with commas & change "that" to "whom" (she and the other individuals with whom I worked)--among other small mistakes.

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Flips88
Posts: 13640
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:42 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby Flips88 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:21 pm

I think too much of it is rather vague. You don't explain your personal loss. You are vague about your downward spiral, which I understand for a personal statement should be downplayed, but it's still vague for me.

"During the fall of my senior year..." I can't tell if this is senior year of high school or college.

You used the word "recrudesce". Take it out. You don't want to use vocab words that AdComm members will have to stop and go "What the hell does that mean?" I couldn't even tell very well from context or the roots of the word.

I think the overall theme throughout it is good, but that you need to substantiate things a bit more. I didn't take the time to check how long this is in Word, but it appears like you should have room to spare. Give it some more flesh.

Also, I'm not a fan of the intro. Personally, I don't like the use of the present tense when talking about past events, especially just setting the scene. I think it's overly-detailed and full of flowery language. Just my two cents.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:51 am

A few things stood out:

- Para 1 needs to be deleted. It is a well-written para, but the tone is not proper for law school. Make the first para meaningful.

- Keep the shoplifting out of the PS, and save it for a separate addendum! This is the most important I did in my own PS. I removed a legal run-in, and it made the PS much more positive. If you do not remove it from the PS, I feel you're making a disastrous mistake.

- The final 3 para's work. It's all that stuff before that needs to be re-worked entirely.

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ach24
Posts: 207
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby ach24 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:54 pm

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Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:00 pm

Getting apps in ASAP>Perfect PS??

That's my train of thought right now.. is it just too bad?

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT

Postby sparty99 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:06 pm

I thought it was well written, however the first paragraph seems a little dramatic. Your word usage needs to be taken down a notch. "recrudesce"?! Huh, what.

Don't mention how you shoplifted! Save that for an addendum or don't mention it at all!

Otherwise, I think it is a semi-strong statement.




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