1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Firework11
Posts: 129
Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:41 pm

1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby Firework11 » Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:50 pm

I have sent my PS to 5 English teachers, 1 Dean, and 1 Medical Student.

If anyone else is interested in reading, PM!

In advance, thanks.
Last edited by Firework11 on Mon Feb 28, 2011 2:46 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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BruceWayne
Posts: 2032
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:36 pm

Re: 1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby BruceWayne » Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:57 pm

The sentences in the first paragraph are too long. Long sentences make writing harder to comprehend on the first go through; you never want your reader to have to reread a sentence. You risk losing their attention.

Firework11
Posts: 129
Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:41 pm

Re: 1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby Firework11 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:00 am

BruceWayne wrote:The sentences in the first paragraph are too long. Long sentences make writing harder to comprehend on the first go through; you never want your reader to have to reread a sentence. You risk losing their attention.


Thank you for the advice!

doing_it_in_a_car
Posts: 147
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: 1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby doing_it_in_a_car » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:45 am

Apologies if my comments come off as a bit harsh, (especially if English isn't your native language) but I think they are ultimately constructive so here goes.

To start with - you have a triumphant story of overcoming adversity to tell. That's good. But you're missing some important pieces, and there's also fat that needs trimming.

Some of your sentences aren't just long, they're run on sentences. e.g. "In school, I was taught to stop, drop, and roll when there was fire, however, the fireman never specified what fire, but I knew that this was fire—gunfire, that is.

Moreover, this sentence doesn't even add anything to your essay! You can take this whole sentence out and they story isn't impacted. So delete it.

"My mind was racing as though it was a contestant in a race"
Who taught you to make analogies? Are you aware that you used racing and race so closely? Does "contestant in a race" really capture the panicked mood you were in? Ask around for analogy suggestions.

"My neighborhood was not defined like being a part of the “American Dream;”
What you mean to say is "My neighborhood was far from the American Dream."

I would cut down on the paragraph about your childhood heroes. Too much information.

As you already know, you need a conclusion. Keep in mind, you still haven't explained why you want to go to law school! You talk about how education is important for improving living conditions - but you need to be even more explicit and wrap up the essay - why do you want a J.D.?

Delete Thank you for your time. It's not a cover letter, it's a personal statement.

Good luck!

Firework11
Posts: 129
Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:41 pm

Re: 1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby Firework11 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:31 pm

Thanks for the feedback!
Last edited by Firework11 on Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: 1st draft--conclusion to be written (Open to all comments)

Postby LSATclincher » Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:13 pm

I like the story. It's a nice and natural progression of your life. My first problem came at the Black Caucus experience. You need to discuss what you accomplished and what you learned/what skills you developed. The para seemed wasted. Everyone already knows there's a problem with inner-city education, housing, etc. Also, the final para needs to be deleted. Just conclude on a general tone about what you can bring to the legal field. No need to get specific with "real estate" law. If you make these 2 changes, you're story is certainly can be a plus PS.

But the huge problem here is grammar. You need to run this by a trusted person to edit. There are multiple sentences that need to be entirely transformed. This sentence stood out most to me:

I lionized and became motivated to learn by the characters I watched and the heroes I read about.

I'm not sure what lionized means. And also, this sentence ends with a preposition.

Aside from the 2 narrative issues, the hard part (creating the story) is over. You should be able to polish the grammar by the end of the week.




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