First draft of PS tear it apart please

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First draft of PS tear it apart please

Postby Mattfl88 » Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:50 pm

Alright It was a first draft so I'm back at the drawing board. I will repost once I get more work done on it. Thanks for being honest
Last edited by Mattfl88 on Thu Jan 20, 2011 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Re: First draft of PS tear it apart please

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:05 am

This is terrible. You might want to consider hiring a consultant or utilizing your university's writing center. This essay needs substantial revision. Try to write in a more concise & insightful fashion.

P.S. I don't want to get any more involved because I am not sure if this is a serious post.

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Re: First draft of PS tear it apart please

Postby JRDallas11 » Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:21 am

Matt - If I had to guess, I would say you haven't spent a substantial amount of time on your PS, and/or reading really good PS's. And that's ok. It's just that your PS comes across as boring, a little generic, and some sentences sound like you are trying very hard to tell the admissions folks what you think they want to hear.

You have to find your own voice when telling YOUR story. Then you have to figure out how to make your story interesting to other people. Which I'm sure it is. But this PS isn't accomplishing that.

Start over completely. Revise this one 10 times. Just keep working on it and it will come.

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