Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

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RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby RefleX » Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:01 pm

Rough draft and unrefined.



For most people, a car is simply a way to travel from point A to point B. Little did I know, so naïve and directionless at the age of seventeen, that point B would represent the concept of law school and my future. My first car was a 2000 Lincoln LS, which I fell in love with the first day I saw it. I did my part in keeping it clean, but soon found that the conventional methods of car washing were not sufficient for my expectations. I spent the next few years devoting a large portion of my time to studying the art of auto detailing, expanding my knowledge of processes and chemical reactions. Family and friends began to wonder if I were actually losing my mind as I put countless hours, sometimes over ten per day without fatigue, into something that most people would have assumed that a drive-through car wash would have accomplished. My attention to detail and passion for perfection drove me to create my own flourishing small business at my shore house for two summers while in undergraduate studies.
Although I loved detailing, it lacked some crucial elements that I thrived on: intellectual stimulation and variety. It became clear that my hobby would not become my career choice. At the end of summer I packed my car and made my way home ready for the next school year, not knowing that this simple trip would reveal my purpose in life. As I drove through some uninhabited back roads, as any teenager would, I ignored the speed limits and drove at my discretion. With the windows down enjoying the warm air of August, I was completed blinded by the fact that there was other car on the road, a New Jersey state trooper. My heart sunk as I saw the flare of blue and red lights in my rearview mirror. I was cited for driving 14 miles per hour over the speed limit. The idea of making a run for Mexico instead of telling my parents the news glazed over my mind, but I decided that it’d be best to tell them and take it to court and see what I could do about the minor infraction, although it seemed like a death sentence to me.
I researched the court system and devised a plan on how I could drop the ticket points. Finally my court date had come and I walked into the municipal building as if I were walking death row. I signed my name on the ledger and proceeded to funnel into the court room with the other people. I was frightened and confused as this was my first appearance in court. As I sat in the back of the courtroom, the opportunity to talk to the prosecutor came and I filed into line with a few other unfortunate guilty souls. As the line whittled down, I approached the prosecutor, a stern looking individual in a neatly pressed suit, I plead my case and brought up the idea of changing the ticket to an “unsafe driving” infraction. This would abolish the points that the original ticket carried, but held an additional $250 fine. I agreed to these terms and made my way back to my seat. I watched intently as people were called before the judge and their case was heard. It was then that I realized that, strangely enough, I was enamored by the court process. While others were huffing and puffing, I was leaning on the edge of my seat to hear all of the details of the cases. I was eventually called up to the judge and plead guilty to the amended charges, left the court room and paid the $450 fine. As I looked down at the receipt, wading through the masses of people still bitter with the notion of giving up their hard earned money, I didn’t see a receipt; I saw a ticket to my future.
Throughout the rest of my undergraduate studies I immersed myself in classes that touched upon political philosophy, legal systems, and business law. I might have been the only one in the classroom that thoroughly enjoyed being in lecture. Looking back on those years, I realize that my attention to detail and love for law came together to complete the puzzle of my life. While many were and still are indecisive in regards their future, I inadvertently found my fate in something that people simply understand as a means to get from point A to point B.

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superhands
Posts: 77
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 8:12 pm

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby superhands » Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:20 pm

[quote="RefleX"]Rough draft and unrefined.
I was cited for driving 14 miles per hour over the speed limit. The idea of making a run for Mexico instead of telling my parents the news glazed over my mind, but I decided that it’d be best to tell them and take it to court and see what I could do about the minor infraction, although it seemed like a death sentence to me.

I hereby nominate you the most vanilla poster on TLS. Just kidding, but in all honesty I think that part is over exaggerated and should be tweaked a bit. There are people out there who have been in deeper shit than you, one of them could even be making a decision to admit or deny your application, that may be a bit put off by this.

Furthermore, although you did an okay job of making a bland subject somewhat readable, you may want to focus less on how you weaseled your way out of a minor speeding ticket. In my opinion it doesn't seem all too admirable. Frankly, I would use your detailing business as the subject of your PS. Few people are able to successfully start their own businesses, and going so while pursuing a undergraduate degree is even more impressive.

RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby RefleX » Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:53 pm

Lol thank you. When I first read it I thought you said don't use the detailing business either. So what would you suggest? I'd still like to keep the part about the speeding ticket, but maybe take out the part with the amended ticket, but leave everything else? I think I could accomplish this by taking out the part about me planning it and then keeping the prosecutor part like it wasn't premeditated. I could talk about the analytical part of detailing but I feel like I'd be too intense with it. I guess talk about how I had to stay on the ball about certain products interacting with each other and applying different methods to different situations making me more analytical.

SpaceMonkey182
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2011 9:20 pm

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby SpaceMonkey182 » Tue Jan 18, 2011 9:47 pm

RefleX wrote: I might have been the only one in the classroom that thoroughly enjoyed being in lecture.


This probably isn't true, and the notion comes across as immature on your part. I would suggest leaving it out.

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby fjsms » Tue Jan 18, 2011 10:12 pm

RefleX wrote:I spent the next few years devoting a large portion of my time to studying the art of auto detailing, expanding my knowledge of processes and chemical reactions. Family and friends began to wonder if I were actually losing my mind as I put countless hours, sometimes over ten per day without fatigue, into something that most people would have assumed that a drive-through car wash would have accomplished. My attention to detail and passion for perfection drove me to create my own flourishing small business at my shore house for two summers while in undergraduate studies.


I'm with superhands. I want to hear more about this business and less about the speeding ticket.

RefleX
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby RefleX » Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:22 pm

Thank you guys very much for the advice. I suppose I'll focus more on the business, stating how I was different than most other detailing businesses but needed something more intellectually engaging, and then say that an appearance in court made me pursue a legal path. I'll leave out the parts with how I made out with the ticket, as well as me being the only one interested in the lecture. Or do you guys think that I should just focus on my business without even mentioning the ticket or my court experience?

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby fjsms » Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:24 am

"I saw a ticket to my future" is trite. Stick with the business.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Rough Draft: Cars, looking to swap or have someone criticize

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:20 pm

An enjoyable read. Quick, simple & fun. Not likely to hurt & unlikely to help significantly. The second paragraph needs editing due to several obvious errors.




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