The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

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ladylegale
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The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby ladylegale » Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:53 am

Okay like I said this is the very 1st draft of my PS. I'm not really sure it flows, but if it doesn't I'm sure you guys will straighten me out. . . . .


It was a calm morning on August 4th, 2005 when my mother sat on the edge of my bed to awaken me. In the most angelic voice, she whispered; “I’m so proud of you baby”. She quietly left the bedroom after those simple words. I continued to lie in bed, and reflect on her statement.

This was the morning I would embark on my senior year of high school. Until that moment, simply making it to senior year did not hold much significance in my eyes. I soon came to the realization that it meant the world to my mother. Several generations of women in my family did not make it that far. Just the fact that I made it to the ripe age of seventeen without; an unplanned pregnancy, an abusive relationship, or a drug addiction was an anomaly. Suddenly I became overwhelmed with a sense of hope for the future, and bolted out of the bed ready to make the best of senior year. Little did I know what tragedy lay ahead.

On the evening of August 28th, 2005 five car loads of family members showed up on the doorstep of my quaint little home in Southern Mississippi , with intentions of evacuating from New Orleans. My quiet family home was soon filled with over twenty people seeking food and shelter. Though I was aware of the hurricane warnings, I did not actually believe that the storm would cause enough damage to keep our houseguests around for more than a few days. I was horribly mistaken.

On the morning of August 29th, 2005 Hurricane Katrina turned my world upside down. Great winds ravaged the area, sending massive pine trees down on our home and our vehicles. I nervously listened to the radio, and heard devastating news about the happenings in New Orleans. Warm, salty tears poured from my eyes as I realized people were dying. I was not sure where most of my family was, or even if they were alive. My father was serving time in prison, and I had been refusing to visit him since I was thirteen. The thought that I might never have the chance see him again filled me with guilt. As Katrina wreaked havoc upon my hometown, I asked myself question after question. Will I be able to show my future children the houses that my parents grew up in? Could I take them to the church I was baptized in? Where is my past? During this time I sunk into a deep depression. I had no connections with the outside world. The phone lines where down. There was no electricity or hot water. There were over twenty people living in my home with absolutely no place to go.

Several weeks later when school reopened, I no longer had the same excitement about senior year. I had seen just how quickly dreams, aspirations, and lives could be snatched away. All of the sudden I wasn’t sure that the future was so bright.

My dejection led me to stop eating lunch in the school cafeteria, and I opted to pass the time in the band hall instead. One lunch period, I heard quiet sobs coming from the percussion room. When I peeked inside I noticed an unfamiliar face covered in tears. Something in me wanted to reach out to this stranger. Full of concern, I inquired on the reason for her distress. I listened attentively as she poured her heart out. Her name was Alexis, and her family lost their home in Hurricane Katrina. It was her first day at school, and she was deeply saddened about the idea of having to start over in a small town that she knew nothing about. The pain of the loss that she had endured, coupled with the shock of being in a new environment was quite overwhelming for her. At that point, I realized that my problems were trivial. That day Alexis and I had lunch in the cafeteria. I was her first friend in what to her was a strange land. She later admitted that though her friendship with me did not solve her problems, knowing she was not alone helped her to cope.

After my experience in the band hall with Alexis I firmly resolved to find a way to reach out to new students in her predicament. Our school inherited many students who were forced to move to the area due to devastation from Hurricane Katrina, and I was sure that many struggled with the same issues that Alexis did. With help from members of various school organizations, I started a welcoming committee. Every Monday morning we had breakfast with new students in the cafeteria. We gave them welcome cards, and informed them on upcoming events.

My involvement in the welcoming of those students allowed me to realize that even the smallest efforts can make differences in people’s lives. Over the years, I have come realized that working to better the lives of others is where my passion lies. I take pride in being of service to my community, and reaching out to individuals in need. Law touches every aspect of the society in which we live, therefore; with a legal career I feel that I will truly be able to contribute to the enhancement of the public good.

2011Law
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Re: The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby 2011Law » Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:01 am

ladylegale wrote:Over the years, I have come realized that working to better the lives of others is where my passion lies. I take pride in being of service to my community, and reaching out to individuals in need. Law touches every aspect of the society in which we live, therefore; with a legal career I feel that I will truly be able to contribute to the enhancement of the public good.


fix that.

not sure how I feel about the last sentence.

Overall good.

fjsms
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Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby fjsms » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:18 pm

I really, really like this; in particular, I think the first 4ish paragraphs are well written and engaging. One thing that stands out to me though- what happened between high school and now? I feel like it needs a little more transition from high school to law school, if you want to include the "why law school" part.

CanadianWolf
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Re: The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:29 pm

I enjoyed reading your personal statement. This is certainly one method of presenting yourself to law school admissions committees. Readers should feel as if they know you better after reading this essay. Overall your writing is well done & should help your law school applications.

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Smitten
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Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:23 pm

Re: The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby Smitten » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:38 pm

You have an amazing story here! I agree with the above poster, though...what happened between high school and now? It's hard when you have so little space, but it might be nice to draw this thread through college as well. Also, I had a friend edit my ps for flow, and she gave me a really helpful piece of advice, which was to go through and highlight all the "filler" words, such as that, would, it, the, of, etc. Then eliminate a many of them as possible while still allowing the paper to sound good. This will make everything more concise and give your words more impact. She also said to be careful of repeatedly using one word a lot, as it deadens it's impact.

Actually I think your ps is great, but this advice really helped me tighten everything up, so I thought I'd pass it on! Good luck!

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ladylegale
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Re: The 1st draft of my PS..... Brutalize it please!!

Postby ladylegale » Wed Jan 19, 2011 1:15 pm

Thanx you guys. To be honest, I was expecting a much harsher criticism.

It was pointed out that I haven't talked much about life since highschool in my ps, but to be quite honest I don't have much to say about it. My life has been somewhat of a bore over the last 4yrs. I wasn't nearly as involved in college as I had been in hs. Actually, I spent most of my time working at jobs that are in no way relatable to lawschool or a legal career; retail management, telemarketing, in admin support stuff.

I realize that this is a weakness in my ps, and I plan to address it. I'm just not sure what angle to take yet. I'll be doing a 2nd draft over the weekend. All tips & suggestions welcome...............




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