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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

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Postby Its the gel man » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:07 pm

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Last edited by Its the gel man on Mon Jan 17, 2011 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby Its the gel man » Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:35 am

anyone!? Thanks beforehand

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby fjsms » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:42 pm

I'm very confused about where this event takes place. Is this when you were studying in Spain? Sometime after you were studying in Spain?
I also don't understand what darts are being thrown. It sounded like you were setting it up to be asked some hard-ball questions on American politics or something, but then it seems like just a friendly "what do you want to learn in Spain?" question.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby Its the gel man » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:50 pm

Ah, this actually took place after I studied in Spain. I returned to the US, graduated and came back for a job. It was when i just arrived that this convo took place.

Edit: prior reading comp fail

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby fjsms » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:14 pm

I think it would benefit from some clarification of that. Something like, "A few weeks into my first job, I found myself in a group of 5 people representing 5 nationalities. We were discussing our time studying abroad." Obv, that's just a guess about the actual situation, but does that make sense? I think it would help it flow better. You're talking about x, they assume that y influenced x, but really x influenced y...

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby Its the gel man » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:18 pm

fjsms:

Thanks for your excellent comments. One thing (and most importantly): how is the content? good? do I re-write?

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby fjsms » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:27 pm

I like the setting and the idea, but I think it needs more substance around "involvement in Latino community." Not saying a restatement of your resume, but more examples of how when you came back from Spain you became more involved in the community. If the U-Haul example is the best or only one, then I think another topic might be better. But assuming it's not, I think that by adding more detail and toning down some of the American vs. European rhetoric, you're on your way.
Hope that helps.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: From Fourth Draft to First - Overhauled PS Part 2

Postby Its the gel man » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:35 pm

Good news and thanks again.




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