Please murder my PS....please... Forum
-
wejuhn
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:30 am
Please murder my PS....please...
.
Last edited by wejuhn on Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
fjsms
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm
Re: Please murder my PS....please...
You asked for general feedback, so here is mine.
I liked the opening quote from your freshman professor, and how you brought it back around in your closing. But a lot of what you have in between belongs in an addendum. For example, you will need to disclose your marijuana issue separately and in more detail, so why bring it up here too? I think you've failed to employ pathos. It reads too much like this: "I failed at this. Then this. Then I did this. Then I did this."
Again, I really like the opening and closing. Narrow down your specific examples and expand on them for emotional appeal.
Hope that helps.
Edited to add: Taking a second look- I think some of that emotional appeal is already there, it's just getting lost in all the stuff that should be in an addendum.
I liked the opening quote from your freshman professor, and how you brought it back around in your closing. But a lot of what you have in between belongs in an addendum. For example, you will need to disclose your marijuana issue separately and in more detail, so why bring it up here too? I think you've failed to employ pathos. It reads too much like this: "I failed at this. Then this. Then I did this. Then I did this."
Again, I really like the opening and closing. Narrow down your specific examples and expand on them for emotional appeal.
Hope that helps.
Edited to add: Taking a second look- I think some of that emotional appeal is already there, it's just getting lost in all the stuff that should be in an addendum.
