CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hyperflipmode
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:09 am

CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

Postby hyperflipmode » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:12 pm

Please read and critique! Thank you in advance
Last edited by hyperflipmode on Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:31 pm

Your word choices & punctuation need editorial revision. Overall this essay is effective at alerting the reader to your underprivileged URM status--and that may well be enough.

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MrSparkle
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:06 pm

Re: CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

Postby MrSparkle » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:56 pm

Feels like you're only scratching the surface of your experience. Can you delve more into the tutoring program you set up? Can you describe in greater detail life at the shelter, with more imagery? This is where good writing can greatly enhance what is already gripping content.

I agree with CandianWolf - you use multiple words wrong and have some awkward phrasings. "improvised" should be "impoverished," and "huge quantity of life changing events" just sounds weird...a huge quantity usually refers to a concrete quantity, i.e. I can pick it up and hold it, or there's a number that is anchored to reality.

The very last line is pretty cheesy, and takes away from the power of everything before it. I would not put anything that imagines a headline as the way to end your essay.

hyperflipmode
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:09 am

Re: CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

Postby hyperflipmode » Sat Jan 15, 2011 11:24 pm

Thanks for the feedback guys! Anyone else have criticism?

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JaLeCa
Posts: 301
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:42 pm

Re: CRITIQUE MY PERSONAL STATEMENT! WILLING TO SWAP!

Postby JaLeCa » Sat Jan 15, 2011 11:26 pm

Perhaps a specific anecdote might draw the reader in?




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