Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jennamc_85
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Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:07 pm

Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby jennamc_85 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:17 pm

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Last edited by jennamc_85 on Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

getitdone
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Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:27 am

Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby getitdone » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:27 pm

yoo i liked it, the first two sentences could be a little mor enticing, but i def wanted to keep reading the whole time which is a good sign... some errors in there tho- grammatical and such

jennamc_85
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Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:07 pm

Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby jennamc_85 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:44 pm

Thanks! My previous opening was "Many parents drop off their college freshmen at the dorms, extra-long sheets and a miniature refrigerator in tow. Mine dropped me off at a trailer house with an oversized flashlight and a shotgun" just for a little shock value. Thoughts?

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boozehound
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Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby boozehound » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:45 pm

I like the "shotgun" opening better...that's my vote.

jennamc_85
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Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:07 pm

Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby jennamc_85 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:01 pm

I think I will add that and remove "my sites [sic] set on practicing law" in favor of a different idiom to limit the gun references to two.

mala2
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Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby mala2 » Sat Jan 15, 2011 2:41 am

I like the second opening better too. Overall like the essay

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amers73
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Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby amers73 » Sat Jan 15, 2011 3:04 am

This is a really unique statement, my favorite I've read on here. You have a great story that shows you have the potential to excel in LS, and you presented it in a creative way. My only suggestion would be to write the school specific paragraphs and link why you would fit at the school you are applying to in a few sentences. I did that and its seemed to really help.

Other than a couple of grammatical errors, this is a very solid statement in my opinion.

jennamc_85
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:07 pm

Re: Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1

Postby jennamc_85 » Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:53 pm

One critique I have received involved removing the information about study abroad. I realize that study abroad is a common experience, but I think that paragraph adds a lot of interest. Any advice on this?




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