Looking for some comments please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

Looking for some comments please

Postby mlsdreamer » Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:09 pm

Comments/Suggestions please? Please do not quote in full as I hope to remove after I am finished. Thanks!


In August of 2006 my life was going just as I had planned. At seventeen I had accomplished many of the goals I had put in place for myself. I was young, able to reassure myself I knew everything, and was looking forward to meeting both new friends and old to begin the next chapter of my life in xx.

The elective surgery I underwent on August 10th of that year was dubbed minor and intended to cure hyperhidrosis, or excessive sweating in my palms. At the hospital I was reminded the procedure would take approximately ninety minutes and that I would experience slight discomfort afterward. I vividly recall hugging my father just before being wheeled away for surgery.

Nearly four hours later I woke up to the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. The slightest movement of my upper body caused my body to feel paralyzed. The sympathetic nerve in my back had been irreparably damaged. In addition to the blinding pain this caused, the resulting droop in my left eyelid was rather prominent. Other complications included a partially collapsed lung, damaged nerves on the underside of my right forearm, and a tingling numbness in my right armpit.

If given the choice I, like most, would have preferred to avoid this situation altogether. What I have come to realize however is that it is these unplanned twists in life that develop character. Until this point in my life I had passively allowed life to take me where it may – I was simply fortunate to have supportive friends and family surrounding me. Working through the post-surgery period I came to the realization that I have the ability to control the direction of my life. This was a powerful discovery for me.

As my physical ailments slowly subsided my level of academic participation in and outside of the classroom increased.
In my four years at xx I cultivated meaningful relationships with professors, participated in small research seminars, and made a tangible impact on the economic development community in Mid-xx. The seventeen year old that entered the hospital that day four years ago would have missed out on most of these opportunities and instead filled that time with less meaningful things. The transformation that occurred in me as a result of the surgery resulted in a more mature adult who recognizes that the desire to achieve goals must be accompanied by an active embrace of hard work. This has made taking on the bigger challenges and hardships easier.

[Working on ending - would like to say I know law school looms as a challenge but that I think hard work/my experiences thus far have prepared me for it]

bdole2
Posts: 271
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:58 pm

Re: Looking for some comments please

Postby bdole2 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:19 pm

I think you need to format this essay differently. You have a unique topic, but you really don't connect your botched surgery to your desire or ability to attend law school. You may want to be more specific about how you overcame the challenges you faced, how overcoming these challenges made you a better person, what this experience taught you about yourself, and how this prepared you for law school.

If I were you, I would do away with the first paragraph entirely, and focus more on the details of your recovery and academic success. (Perhaps going through physical therapy while simultaneously completing college courses, or something of the sort). Just my two cents, but I'm no expert.

mlsdreamer
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:53 pm

Re: Looking for some comments please

Postby mlsdreamer » Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:25 am

Bump for more please

fjsms
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:34 pm

Re: Looking for some comments please

Postby fjsms » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:32 pm

bdole2 wrote:You have a unique topic, but you really don't connect your botched surgery to your desire or ability to attend law school. You may want to be more specific about how you overcame the challenges you faced, how overcoming these challenges made you a better person, what this experience taught you about yourself, and how this prepared you for law school.


Absolutely agree. All I know from this is that you had a botched surgery but recovered. I assume there is more to it than that. Did you miss class or work? What did you have to do to get better? What did it teach you? The fact that you've faced a medical challenge won't set you apart; how you faced it, what you learned, etc. will.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Looking for some comments please

Postby LSATclincher » Thu Jan 20, 2011 10:36 pm

This opened dry and boring. It make it a bit more interesting.

"I walked into the hospital that day excited to finally cure my hyperhidrosis. After the four hour procedure, I woke up in enormous pain."




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