Close to final draft- acceptable?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Bearlegdairy
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:51 pm

Close to final draft- acceptable?

Postby Bearlegdairy » Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:00 am

Please let me know if you have any suggestions.
Last edited by Bearlegdairy on Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: Close to final draft- acceptable?

Postby LSATclincher » Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:46 pm

This had an awkward feel. Your PS seemed to be lacking in self-confidence. You prefaced some of your convictions with self-doubt. Re-group and write a more confident piece. Show the adcomms you'll be able to bring a bold presence to the class. You have to show the adcomms you'll be able to compete in a class of all smart people. Any slight deficiencies will hurt you. I'd throw out the anxiety stuff and the stuff about your brother. If you're a big debater, tell the adcomms via a few anecdotes proving that.

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MrSparkle
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:06 pm

Re: Close to final draft- acceptable?

Postby MrSparkle » Sat Jan 15, 2011 11:56 pm

I am really confused as to what you were fighting about this whole time. It's like there's a cloud of words describing the anxiety, but it's hidden behind that cloud. Maybe I wouldn't understand even if I knew.

I would state it simpler and closer to the beginning (whatever it is), and just leave it at that, instead of reiterating all the different descriptions and thoughts associated with it. e.g., your brother being expelled - it has nothing to do with you, and I don't think it's a necessary detail. I don't need to know that it made you anxious, since it's clear you already are.

Also, there's a very stream of consciousness feel to it, and many sentences are really simple and bullet-point-like, instead of telling a grounded narrative.

I don't know if I would call this "acceptable," because maybe you have a 4.0 and 180. But to me, this needs a lot of clarification and concision.

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verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Close to final draft- acceptable?

Postby verklempt » Sun Jan 16, 2011 1:57 am

"everything had to be supported by hard evidence"

That's your cue. This feels more like a meta-PS -- a statement about a statement -- than about a personal look at what makes you tick.

Start over, home in on something that you find meaningful (hint: post-high school is better) and work it to the point that someone could read it and feel as though s/he knows you. I read this PS and my reaction was "this person is tormented and I'm not sure about what."




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