Possible final version pending your critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby Its the gel man » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:50 pm

Thanks! Excellent comments.
Last edited by Its the gel man on Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Its the gel man
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby Its the gel man » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:54 pm

O man can nobody muster up the courage to read it!?

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby sparty99 » Thu Jan 13, 2011 9:40 pm

I only read the first sentence, but I'm not a fan how you call them "Spainards", "French", "Indian descent."

Sounds like one of those racisct jokes. "So I'm sitting at a table with an asian, a black, a catholic, and a nun...."

Lasker
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:17 pm

Re: Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby Lasker » Fri Jan 14, 2011 12:50 am

I'll leave commentary on the overall thrust of your PS to the experts, but here are some important details:


In the first paragraph, the phrase, "different kind of adventure" is jarring because no kind of adventure has been referred to previously, begging the question, "different from what?"

I would be careful about mentioning "assimilation" in paragraph two because you don't seem to actually do this.

Check your use of "unequivocal" in paragraph three. I believe it is a synonym for "certain" or "clearly decided", not a synonym for "important" as you seem to be using it.

In paragraph five I don't know what you mean when you say "adding a unique angle to my Spanish classes". Your last sentence in this paragraph is also not very clear. Surely you can find a better way of saying that your knowledge of Spanish helped you break through cultural barriers at home as well as in Europe?

Your last paragraph is the weakest part of your essay. There is nothing in your essay that suggests to me that you have a bond with Latin peoples. I also think your sentence fragment about "prestige" is probably ill advised in addition to being grammatically problematic.

I felt the strongest aspects of this essay were your opening, and the anecdote about speaking Spanish instead of English in non-Spanish speaking countries.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby sparty99 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:19 am

This essay is poorly written from start to finish.

The first paragraph has almost no relationship to the rest of the essay. It can be taken out in its entirety.

Some of your word choices made the essay hard to read: "unequivocal" "acquisition of the Spanish language". "immersion" , "assimilation"....HUH?!

Assimilation? Really? Please look up the word assimilation and then ask yourself if that's what you did?

Then you talk about being transformed and you talk about what's on the radio. Huh? What? NO.

Hispanics, latin america, and latinos, are really, in all actuality, VERY DIFFERENT cultures and people. However you lumped them together as one. Huh? What?

Why would the Portugese be surprised that you speak Spanish? Don't they have blonde hair light skinned people in Portugal? YES.

I'm not feeling this essay at all. I don't even know why you were in Europe, how long you were in Europe, and what countries you visited in Europe. You need to start from scratch. I don't see how you knowing Spanish will add diversity to the law school. It certainly can, but they way you presented your story, I have no idea.

What are you trying to convey? What should I take away after reading your essay?

mala2
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Possible final version pending your critique!

Postby mala2 » Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:38 am

what's "a Dutch?"




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