Final Draft, hopefully?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:56 am

Final Draft, hopefully?

Postby verbalizing » Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:17 pm

Finally had time to finish it on the plane the other day! Any help and critiques would be great.

Two years ago, while working at the Roxbury District Courthouse, I walked into work and was greeted by various news vans parked outside, and a large police presence. The reason for the media flurry was for the arraignment of a man that shot a 14 year old, who was waiting for the bus. At the time, I worked in the probation department for a number of months, and witnessed everything from attempted escapes from the sixth session, murder trials and a domestic dispute that involved a frying pan and hot grits. The atmosphere during the arraignment was full of emotion, where the defendant, a 20 year old, prominent member of a Boston gang, plead not guilty behind a partition for fear of backlash in the courtroom. Emotions ran high in the courtroom due to the young ages of the involved parties and the gang connections.

I currently work in the Gang Unit office at the Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office, where I had the opportunity to see this particular defendant’s trial go to Superior Court and work with the prosecuting attorney. The trial provoked me to pursue a career as a prosecutor, to ensure the future well being of others, especially with adolescents. It was a harbinger of change for me, where before I wanted to focus on the issues of social justice due to both of my parents being members in active unions. This trial struck a chord with me due to having tutored students from the victim’s school, as well as my extensive work experience with adolescents.
As the child of immigrant parents, independence was instilled in me and I gravitated towards leadership positions. My parents spoke English but lacked a firm grasp on it and I often facilitated my own parent-teacher conferences in elementary school. I have served in varying leadership capacities since then and continued my leadership work through college. At Northeastern University, I am the Vice President of Programming for the Resident Student Association (RSA). My role in the organization is to plan and execute large-scale programs for the 14,000 students that live on campus, like the annual 24 hour scavenger hunt with 600 participants.

One of our signature events is a week-long program entitled “Sex Week”. Despite its provocative name, the nature of the program is focused upon sexual awareness and not sex itself. I am in charge of planning the week of events that range from relationship experts, comedians to UN health consultants; in addition to publishing a magazine. This year, my school’s administration tried to change the name of “Sex Week” to “Safe Sex Week”. My committee and the other members of my executive board were dismayed, that after six years of having the program, they wanted to institute not only a name change, that causes a change in the overall message of the week. I met with the Vice President of Student Activities, a lawyer, and explained to him that as an organization we were not going to allow them to push their agenda on us. Marketing “Sex Week” as “Safe Sex Week” changes the ideals of the program and sent the wrong message to students.

The conflict between the school officials and my event proved to be a situation where programming and advocacy worked in unison. The mission statement of RSA is “to serve as an advocacy and programming body for students on campus and to use our funding on the students”. My executive board and I represented the students’ wishes who wanted to keep “Sex Week” and its events as is, and did not believe in putting on a program whose viewpoints we disagreed with. My resistance to the change stems from the fact that as a student leader in one of the school’s most prominent organizations, it is my responsibility to be the voice for the students and to relay their opinions to the school’s administrators. I did not feel comfortable putting my name and RSA’s name on a program that we not only supported, but neither did the students we represent. The end result was compromising on the week’s events but the name remained unaltered.
I want to become a prosecutor, in order to serve as the voice for people who are incapacitated. Working in the probation department and the District Attorney’s office has allowed me to work firsthand with all of the involved parties. I have conducted interviews with the offenders, taken intakes, logged probation updates, and prepped evidence being used in court. Similar to how I advocate the desires of students to the administration for my university, I want to provide the same service to victims and their families. In my current officer position, I must act as an effective communicator and present information in a favorable light in order to accomplish my goals. I have progressed from facilitating meetings during childhood to proposing ideas to my university’s administration, and plan on extending my role as a lifelong communicator further as a prosecutor.


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Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Final Draft, hopefully?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:40 am

I thought the first two paragraphs were great. After that, you've gotta do some serious reworking. You lose me when you start talking about your parents, leadership positions, and Sex Week. As these things are presented now, they are completely irrelevant to your "I wanna be a prosecutor" theme. Speaking on behalf of your parents and members of your student org are NOT strong examples of prosecutorial experience, especially since you say you want to uphold the cause of the incapacitated or something to that effect. Maybe you could discuss more deeply your experiences at your current and former jobs and how they have reinforced your desire to prosecute?

Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:39 am

Re: Final Draft, hopefully?

Postby mala2 » Sat Jan 15, 2011 2:47 am

agree first two are good and then you lose me

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