8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

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restless
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:51 pm

8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

Postby restless » Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:47 am

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Last edited by restless on Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mikstew
Posts: 33
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:18 pm

Re: 8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

Postby mikstew » Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:58 am

You write well.

this is a minor detail but: I love your use of words, quite poetic, so in keeping with your style, why not swap alter (line 2) with something a bit more descriptive (blur, distort). In fact you can get rid of lines, too, if you'd like. "Undulating heat waves blur my vision"

Although I do not always practice what I preach, in your last line, go out with a bang: swap HOPE with WILL

cheers

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1evilo.aihpos
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:37 am

Re: 8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

Postby 1evilo.aihpos » Wed Jan 12, 2011 5:35 am

mikstew wrote:You write well.

this is a minor detail but: I love your use of words, quite poetic, so in keeping with your style, why not swap alter (line 2) with something a bit more descriptive (blur, distort). In fact you can get rid of lines, too, if you'd like. "Undulating heat waves blur my vision"

Although I do not always practice what I preach, in your last line, go out with a bang: swap HOPE with WILL
cheers



i liked it also

KHM101010
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:20 pm

Re: 8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

Postby KHM101010 » Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:55 am

i thought this was great. you write so well.

although we have very different stories, i feel like it comes from a very similar place. I also dealt with losing someone i trusted and eventually finding peace of mind when i studied abroad--coming back stronger than ever. i'm actually having a hard time with my statement, and after reading yours, see how much tweaking mine needs. i hope you don't mind-- i'd like to use yours as inspiration!

would love it if you critiqued mine actually if you had the time--i'm so impressed! good luck!

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: 8th (and hopefully better) draft. More critique, please!

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:20 pm

This is better than the previous, but there are some issues:

- Eliminate the one word sentence in para 1.
- Eliminate queer language: undulating, motley, re-interested, familial
- Edit the final 2 sentences. Keep it general. Avoid "your program" and "your school." Use a phrase like "legal profession" or "path towards a career in law" or "journey towards a legal career"
- Overall, you have a nice story. I'd still recommend toning the language down, and making it less literary and more professional. You can do this and still create a wonderful story. It just takes many hours of editing, and help from many people.




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