FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ramapolaw11
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:17 pm

FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby ramapolaw11 » Tue Jan 11, 2011 10:06 pm

“Sinne Fianna Fáil, Atá fá gheall ag Éirin…” Every hurling match starts the same way. The people in the crowd rise to their feet and sing loudly in a language that they seldom speak, but hold close to their heart. I count myself lucky to stand with them, in Croke Park, a stadium packed with eighty thousand supporters facing the Irish flag.
I am a first generation Irish-American, and a citizen of both the United States and Ireland. Both of my parents grew up in a small countryside town in County Waterford, in the southeast of Ireland. It is there that I spent virtually every summer of my childhood, absorbing a culture and set of values very different from my homegrown Jersey Shore scene. Instead of playing baseball, I played Gaelic football and hurling. Instead of going to Yankees games, I stood with the roaring crowd in Dublin watching sports my friends from home had never heard of. I spent many years practicing my Irish step dancing and practicing the tin-whistle. These distinctive experiences helped shape my outgoing personality and expand the array of cultural interests that I embody today.
In the countryside at a young age I also learned the value of hard work, which was instilled upon me by my family. I learned how to drive a tractor and how to herd sheep up through the rolling green countryside, or how to dig up potatoes and pick strawberries all day in a field. The lessons I learned about hard work and perseverance are ones I have never forgotten. At age fifteen, I started my first job back in New Jersey, bussing tables in a small Italian restaurant, moving up to a server and then an assistant manager. It’s a job I have held all throughout high school and college. Around that age I first learned how to lay tile floors and walls, a trade acquired by observing my father work and helping him diligently. At age eighteen, I joined the Tile, Marble, and Terrazzo Union of New York and New Jersey. I worked at different jobsites all over New York City during the summer and whatever days I had free from my college workload, thus steadily increasing my vocational trade skills. I found that hard work and savings could pay off and help me achieve my goals such as backpacking Europe, which I was finally able to do for two months this past summer.
Moreover, I have found that my hard-working attitude could also translate into success academically. I pushed myself hard in high school, pursuing challenging elective classes such as business and law. I was fortunate enough to be presented with such opportunities, especially because it sparked an interest in law at an early age.
Nearing graduation, I reached a point in my life where I had to answer an important question: Should I continue my education and go on to college? I knew that I could have a well paying and stable career in the marble union, doing work that I was immensely proud of. However, I ultimately decided that furthering my education was what was most important to me. I became part of the first generation of my family to go on to college. Luckily, my hard work paid off, and I received multiple scholarships, making my goal of attending college a fiscal reality. Majoring in Law and Society and completing an internship with the Family Law Division of Rockland County solidified my growing desire to further my education and attend law school.
I want to attend law school because I know it is where I can finally combine my varied interests, hard working attitude, and academic pursuits. I am interested in pursuing international law and labor law, and was immediately drawn to xyz Law due to its prestigious co-op program. I know gaining real world experience in addition to a classroom setting is the type of education that best suits me. I am also confident that I can contribute to xyz in a positive and meaningful way. I know that I will be able to utilize my unique experiences, determined attitude, and leadership skills, and become successful at your law school.

mikstew
Posts: 33
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:18 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby mikstew » Wed Jan 12, 2011 5:04 am

You definitely get a point in my books when you mentioned how you turned down the well-paid, prestigious job to further your education.

Tell us what hurling is (seriously, what is it)
Although I may have some clover-leaf blood in me, I have no clue what hurling is, which only underlines my recommendation to throw in some sort of description of the activity

You letter is a good example of how to use the [insert school here] as it is clear that you must only be applying to one, possibly two schools that fit your qualifying statements

Good luck!

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 12, 2011 5:56 am

ramapolaw11 wrote: At age fifteen, I started my first job back in New Jersey, bussing tables in a small Italian restaurant, moving up to a server and then an assistant manager.


At least take out the first two commas.

ramapolaw11 wrote:I want to attend law school because I know it is where I can finally combine my varied interests, hard working attitude, and academic pursuits. I am interested in pursuing international law and labor law, and was immediately drawn to xyz Law due to its prestigious co-op program. I know gaining real world experience in addition to a classroom setting is the type of education that best suits me. I am also confident that I can contribute to xyz in a positive and meaningful way. I know that I will be able to utilize my unique experiences, determined attitude, and leadership skills, and become successful at your law school.


Maybe its just me, but this feels a little too cheesy / forced, especially the underlined part. The info in this last paragraph is good, but I'd reconsider the style.

2011Law
Posts: 822
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby 2011Law » Wed Jan 12, 2011 5:59 am

mikstew wrote:Tell us what hurling is (seriously, what is it)
Although I may have some clover-leaf blood in me, I have no clue what hurling is, which only underlines my recommendation to throw in some sort of description of the activity


lol, I kinda want to say this too. I had no idea what it was and had to look it up. But if you don't, its not a big deal.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby LSATclincher » Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:45 pm

Your PS is a great example of a well-written, clear story which conveys your personality and passion. I only had an issue with a few things. Eliminate this para: "Moreover, I have found that my hard-working attitude could also translate into success academically. I pushed myself hard in high school, pursuing challenging elective classes such as business and law. I was fortunate enough to be presented with such opportunities, especially because it sparked an interest in law at an early age." I think as we progress in our academic careers, each level of school trumps the former. So, your high school achievements become irrelevant unless they are extremely unique.

Eliminate the last para entirely. Discuss your internship, what you did, what you learned, and the skills you developed. It's amazing how many applicants have zero legal experience before law school. You need to highlight this experience. And then conclude that from this experience, you believe you will thrive in a career in law. The law school stuff is unnecessary unless your creating a whole "why x law school" PS.

ramapolaw11
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:17 pm

Re: FINAL DRAFT!! ...maybe? let me know what you think.

Postby ramapolaw11 » Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:55 pm

hurling is only the best sport in the world!! seriously! but thanks for all your help guys i used the suggestions to make it a lot better




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