HUGE overhaul on my essay. 6th draft. Help please!

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restless
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:51 pm

HUGE overhaul on my essay. 6th draft. Help please!

Postby restless » Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:41 pm

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Last edited by restless on Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LSATclincher
Posts: 476
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm

Re: HUGE overhaul on my essay. 6th draft. Help please!

Postby LSATclincher » Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:58 pm

There was not enough content about you. You can open up w/ that neat story about your mother, but keep it one para tops. Then you MUST begin talking about you. You can tone down the literary writing in the first para, as well. Avoid any slang, and avoid one word sentences. That's nice for a creative writing class, but it's inappropriate here. I would also lose the study abroad thing. I can't see how that would make you a better lawyer.

The legal profession is petty dry. You don't need to be a cultural phenom to succeed. Keep the PS simple. That's a nice situation you overcame. Just show how it built you into a stronger woman today. Those who succeed are mentally strong; and it seems you fit the fill, but unfortunately this PS does not let us know that.

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: HUGE overhaul on my essay. 6th draft. Help please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 11, 2011 9:01 pm

Terrible. Your earlier version was much better.

P.S. In your earlier version you wrote of heat waves altering your vision; that line made a memorable impact.

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restless
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Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:51 pm

Re: HUGE overhaul on my essay. 6th draft. Help please!

Postby restless » Tue Jan 11, 2011 10:46 pm

Alright. Thanks for being blunt. I'm glad I didn't save over previous drafts. I'll tweak up the previous one.




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