PS-5th draft, looking for some harsh critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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restless
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Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:51 pm

PS-5th draft, looking for some harsh critique!

Postby restless » Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:14 am

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Last edited by restless on Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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MrSparkle
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Re: Would appreciate some harsh critique! 5th draft

Postby MrSparkle » Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:18 am

Overall it is OK. But I don't know how things transformed you. A cynic would read this as (sorry for putting it this way) your mom went to jail, your dad had to juggle mortgages, and you ran to Sweden. Then you interned somewhere. I'm not seeing your direct involvement with the issues you are bringing up. It's like the neon sign is lit but nobody's inside.

IMO The bit about your internship is a little forced in. The connection isn't quite clear, and seems unnatural and unnecessarily divides your story about your family hardship.

Note: I bolded stuff as a way to comment but it might be hard to see.



restless wrote:It is lonely in Victorville. On the drive to the correctional facility, a lone You already used "lonely" cactus sprouts up here and there, but otherwise the desert is uninhabited. Lifeless. We finally reach the compound and I step outside of the car. It is sweltering. The undulating lines of heat waves alter my visionpretty non-specific way to describe it. Make it more precise; instinctively, I raise my hand to shield my eyes from the sun. Gray concrete buildings stand silently and dully Redundant with "Gray"in front of me. The gravel beneath my feet crunches with each step as I lead the way towards the visiting center and open the door to an air-conditioned sterilized hallway. On the other side awaits a motley group of perjurers, drug addicts, and embezzlers<-- Since you say "embezzlement" in the next sentence, change this to something else.
In my freshman year of college, my mother was found guilty of embezzlement. She would remain incarcerated for thirty-three months in a correctional facility in Victorville, California. This meant that my family would learn to survive on one income for two and a half years—a difficult adjustment since my mother was the breadwinner. My father now had to juggle several mortgages. A lien was placed on all of our assets. Most importantly, having one of the most influential figures of my life taken away, albeit temporarily, shook the comfortable world that I knew. Is my father capable of managing our household alone? Will my brother still be able to go to college? Will we eventually be forced out of our home? I'm actually more curious as to how it shook your image of your mother as someone who is now labeled a criminal. It's not something you have to delve into but I'm sure the question will come up in others' minds. These questions circled around in my mind ad nauseam, to the point where they became all-consuming. As a result, my first two years in college were spent out of focus as I was too occupied with my family situation back home.
A turning point came when I received financial aid to study abroad in Lund, Sweden. I was initially apprehensive about being away from my family for four months; a part of me felt that I was selfishly abandoning them at such a crucial point in our lives. LuckilyIs it really "lucky?" Use a more accurate word, my parents ensured assured me that the experience would be an eye-opener. They were right. I realized that, for the past two years, I worried about issues beyond my control and yet ignored aspects of my life that were controllable. My negligence caused my grades and relationships to suffer, but I knew I still had time to turn things around. I immersed myself into in my studies with new vigor, shedding my apathy and growing re-interested in the world around me. Meanwhile, I befriended my Swedish roommates, who further broadened my perspective unpack this claim. My reality was no longer just my mother or my family’s financial troubles. It was being in Sweden, being a student, and being a self-reliant woman in a foreign environment. By the time December arrived, I transformed myself into a better and more focused individual.
The life lessons I acquired were not strictly limited to my time in Lund. My internship at Stark & D’Ambrosio—a small private firm in San Diego—is where I first learned and cultivated my interest in law. One particular trial remains ingrained in my memory, when a family-owned motocross business was salvaged after a crippling lawsuit. A bereaved mother sued the owners after her thirteen-year-old son fatally collided with another motocross rider. Our client’s desperation and helplessness were evident in the e-mails of correspondence I answered. This was a family who had experienced hardship, failure, and despite everything, tried their best to keep things afloat. Much like my own. Their situation motivated me to pursue my own career in law, one that would allow me to help others in marginalized positions and would challenge me on a day-to-day basis.
Clearly, law has played an influential role in my life for the past four years "Clearly?" Hmmm I don't like that word in an essay unless it's used for humorous effect, or it's really clear.... Although my mother’s incarceration briefly distracted me, adversity did not destroy my resilience. It was merely an obstacle, where it became harder for my potential to come to fruitionReally awkward clause, I don't quite understand what you mean. I learned not only about academics and the professional environment, but also about myself. Now I am confident that I have the determination and zeal that is necessary to succeed in your program. If accepted, I hope to be an exceptional contribution to your school and the legal community as a whole.

(Would prefer to keep the length. ~700)

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Would appreciate some harsh critique! 5th draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 11, 2011 10:12 am

The theme of personal growth & maturity is appropriate & convincing. The writing, however, needs revision. Your essay should be more succinct and comprised of crisp, clear sentences.

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restless
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:51 pm

Re: Would appreciate some harsh critique! 5th draft

Postby restless » Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:28 pm

Thanks for your input. I've received enough comments now (aside from you two) that I'm actually thinking about deleting the Sweden paragraph. Perhaps I can follow up the incarceration paragraph with something more about how I felt about it specifically? Or how I went from "unfocused" to "focused." What do you think?

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restless
Posts: 71
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Re: 5th draft--looking for some harsh critique!

Postby restless » Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:50 pm

one bump for impatience :lol:




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